Same Time, Next Year : Every January, 2 Couples Bridge Miles and Months to Rekindle Longtime Friendship
“An actor friend of mine thinks about the passage to intimacy in theatrical terms. ‘People audition for closeness,’ he says. ‘A few get the part; most don’t.”’ --Author Letty Cottin Pogrebin,in her book “Among Friends: Who We Like, Why We Like Them, and What We Do With Them”
For six of the last seven Januarys, John and Maxine Humphrey have locked the door of their lakefront home in Harrisville, Mich., and embarked on what one of their daughters jokingly refers to as the “The John and Max National Tour.”
It’s a yearly getaway that allows them not only to escape the frigid northern Michigan winters, but to rekindle relationships with family and friends who are sprinkled across the country. Before the spring thaw, they’ll have visited the grandchildren in Atlanta, John’s brother in New Orleans, and spent two months with their youngest daughter and her husband in West Palm Beach, Fla.
But as they always do, the Humphreys began their annual odyssey this year with a four-day visit to the Mission Viejo home of longtime friends John and Phyllis Ensminger. “I tell ‘em we’re like a bad cold--you can count on having us once a year whether you want to or not,” says Humphrey, 71, who at 6-foot-4 and 280 pounds measures up to his nickname, “Big John.”
“Yeah, the only difference between the Humphreys and a cold is the Humphreys are harder to get rid of,” responds Ensminger, 80.
The good-natured jabs are just part of the party the two couples share every year for several days in January. Their reunions inevitably begin with a prime-rib dinner and involve a game or two of Scrabble, a couple of day trips to Laguna Beach or San Juan Capistrano, and, as Phyllis, 65, says, “lots of visiting.”
“We’ve been to Southern California many, many times, so we’ve done all the tourist stuff,” says Humphrey, who owned a successful bar in suburban Detroit before retiring 20 years ago to indulge his passion for travel. “The highlight these days is seeing our friends. When you reach our age, you really learn to live in the present. You think less about tomorrow and more about today.”
Though time and distance have changed the face of their friendship since the Ensminger’s moved to California seven years ago, both couples agree they feel as close today as they did when they lived in Detroit, where “the girls” met while working for New York Central Railroad back in 1964.
“I hired into the passenger auditing department, and Phyllis was one of the first people I met,” remembers Maxine, 70. “I’d spent the last 17 years at home raising four daughters, and going downtown to an office every day was very different for me. But Phyllis made me feel right at home. She was so lively and easy to get to know. I was very impressed with her.”
“Oh, we had a ball, didn’t we?” Phyllis, 65, says as she shakes her head and smiles.
“Phyllis still says we’re the reason the railroad went bankrupt,” whispers Maxine in a voice that suggests she thinks Phyllis just may be right. “We laughed all the time. Can you believe I actually looked forward to going to work in the morning? It was so good to get out of the house, especially going to a place where I had such a good time.”
The women worked together for 10 years.
“We both quit the railroad, but we never quit being friends,” says Phyllis. “I still keep in touch with four of the girls from work. I’ve met a lot of people since we moved to California, but all my friends--my true friends--are back there.”
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True friendship, the Humphreys and Ensmingers agree, is one that can withstand the tests of time and distance.
“You don’t need to talk with a true friend every day to know they’re there,” says Humphrey, who guesses he and “the other Johnny” exchange letters or phone calls about six to eight times a year.
“When we get together with John and Phyllis, it’s like we’ve never been apart,” he explains. “We just pick up right where we left off. We only see them once a year, but it feels like just the other day. Some of that may be because the time goes faster the older you get, but a lot of it is just the sense of connection you develop over time.”
“I’ve often said that if a guy can hold up his hand and count five true friends, he’s one lucky man,” adds Humphrey. “Most people can’t do it. Sure, we all make a lot of acquaintances as we move through life, but a true friend is a rare find.”
So what makes a friendship work?
“A real friend never asks, ‘Why?’ ” says Humphrey.
“That’s right,” agrees Maxine. “If you need a friend, they’re there for you, no questions asked.”
“Good friends are like family,” says Phyllis. “They’re people you really want to see happy. They’re people you go out of your way for. We have lots of friends who visit, and each of them has their little likes and dislikes. One of them only likes onion bagels. Another one only likes white soap--no pink. When they’re your friends, you remember all those things because you want them to feel at home.”
Friends, the Humphreys and Ensmingers say, are people who possess qualities you admire and respect. That, they agree, is ultimately more important than shared interests.
“I don’t think you necessarily have to be interested in the same things or share the same hobbies to have a good relationship,” says Humphrey. “What’s important is to appreciate the differences. For example, Johnny is a master model-ship builder. He builds model ships from scratch. One of his projects took him two years to finish, and it’s a magnificent piece of work. I don’t have the patience for that kind of thing. It’s not something I want to spend my time doing, but it truly impresses the hell out of me that he does it as well as he does.”
Ensminger knows exactly what Humphrey means.
“Big John has a sense of adventure that I really admire,” he says. “He’s been all over the world, visited 60-some countries. He’s crossed the Atlantic Ocean a dozen times and the Pacific six times. He and Maxine have gone places that don’t necessarily interest us, but I love the fact that they do it and that we always get a postcard. John’s planning a two-week trip to Alaska in June, and I know that next year, I’ll enjoy hearing him talk about that trip as much as if I’d gone myself.”
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Equally important to developing a lasting friendship, Phyllis Ensminger says, is a willingness to be open-minded and flexible.
“We talk about politics, religion, all sorts of things. But none of us ever tries to push our point. It’s one thing to enjoy a good discussion. It’s another to try to convince someone you’re right. In all the years we’ve known the Humphreys, I don’t remember having one disagreement, and we’ve been together plenty. John gets out of sorts when he loses at Scrabble, but that happens whether they’re here or not!”
Which raises the subject of humor. Both couples agree that the ability to laugh at life--and at themselves--is the anchor of their friendship.
“If you can’t laugh, what’s the point?” Phyllis wonders. “We just redecorated the guest bedroom. But instead of telling me how nice it looked, Big John gave me a hard time because we didn’t get him a king-size bed! When you’re open to life and don’t take yourself too seriously, there’s humor in everything.”
Even doughnuts. The other day, Ensminger decided he’d treat the Humphreys to homemade doughnuts.
“I told him Maxine wouldn’t eat them,” Phyllis recalls. “I remember 25 years ago when the snack cart would come through the office. Max would always say that doughnuts gave her indigestion. But John insisted his would be so good that she wouldn’t be able to resist. Turns out they were so horrible they’d have given the trash compactor indigestion, but Max sat there with a straight face and ate one just because she didn’t want to hurt his feelings.”
As they sit at the dining room table, lingering over coffee and a homemade custard pie that proved much more popular than the doughnuts, they rely on humor to puncture any hint of sentimentality as they prepare to say goodby.
The Humphreys are headed to Carlsbad to spend a couple of weeks with other longtime friends, Bob and Doris Sophe. They’ve known the Sophes even longer than the Ensmingers and are looking forward to a weekend getaway in Las Vegas. “We always hate to see them leave,” says Ensminger.
“But I’ll bet you get over it pretty damn fast,” snaps Humphrey.
“We always do,” Ensminger says with a wide grin. “By the time you drive through the gate, we’re looking at each other and thinking, ‘Who the hell were those people--I thought they’d never leave!’ ”
They all share a good belly-laugh. It’s one that will have to tide them over, until they meet again.