Shop! In the Name of Love! And Preferably Before Feb. 14
I s there a holiday freighted with more possibility for shining success or crashing failure than Valentine’s Day? Do it right--that is, read your honey’s mind and engineer the perfect romantic tableau for the day--and she/he will light candles for you in church. Blow it and die.
Herewith are a few observations on the day of love and romance and a few tips on how to stay out of the doghouse.
HE: Let’s begin with an apparent incongruity: Men like flowers. They also like really fast Italian sports cars and pizza, but for Valentine’s Day, flowers are a good bet.
I used to think this sounded pretty silly until a women I was seeing brought me flowers one night. I thought it was a real delight. They looked great in the house, and they were a constant reminder of her, which I didn’t mind a bit. When I compared notes with my male friends, they all concurred: Flowers showed thoughtfulness, affection and an eye for beauty. And if they came with a pizza they might even fetch a proposal of marriage.
SHE: On Valentine’s Day, most women welcome lacy, hearts-and-flowers kinds of cards (no Garfield please)--the bigger the better. Give her the perfect card the perfect way--tucked under her pillowcase, propped next to a glass of bubbly--and she’ll be your valentine forever.
For women, nothing quite matches the thrill of receiving a love letter. They let us rediscover the way you feel. And they help us forget the Valentines we ached to receive--and didn’t--when we were young.
Flowers are fabulous, of course, but sincere valentines are for keeps.
HE: That’ll be terrific news for the suitor on a budget.
Having said that, I’d like to know what women think of the grand gesture, the Valentine’s Day ploy that goes beyond mere beau geste and becomes (to my way of thinking, anyway) kind of sappy or dopey. Renting space on a billboard on Sunset Boulevard or hiring skywriters in order to profess their devotion to their sweetie. Singing telegrams. Clear-cutting a swath through a rain forest in the shape of intertwined hearts and arrows. That sort of thing. Do intelligent women actually go all goopy for that foolishness?
SHE: Of course! But all of the skywriting in the world isn’t going to change a woman’s feelings about a man. So, he’d better not spend a bundle to impress her unless he’s already sure of her affection.
What’s awful on Valentine’s Day are cheap chocolates and tired roses bought from a hawker on a freeway off-ramp. It’s the tasteful thought that counts.
HE: There’s a loaded word. Quite a lot of guys will read: expensive. And, by the by, why would he spend a bundle to impress someone of whose feelings he was sure?
SHE: Taste isn’t about money. It’s about being discriminating. A woman doesn’t want Pic n’ Save chocolates on Valentine’s Day. If you can’t afford decent candy, make her some fudge. And if you can’t send her a dozen American Beauty roses, a single one, tied with ribbon, will do.
Why would a man spend a bundle to impress a woman he has already landed? Because he loves her, I hope.
HE: I just noticed something. With the exception of my initial mention of flowers, there hasn’t been any female-to-male reciprocity here. Or is it simply assumed that Valentine’s Day is one of those do-or-die, guy-only efforts?
SHE: Women love giving gifts on Valentine’s Day. We spend hours cruising the card racks (the message has to be perfect), selecting boxer shorts splashed with hearts and cupids, picking the perfect picture of “us” to frame. Gift-giving on Valentine’s Day is definitely a he/she affair.
HE: Yeah, I’ll remember that next time I’m cruising the card rack, looking for the perfect Valentine’s Day card to give. If I didn’t follow that card up with a nice, elegant, pricey dinner at Chez Insolvent, the only thing I’d have a say in ever again would be the manner of my own slow, painful death. Which, interestingly, is the way St. Valentine himself--who originated the valentine greeting card--went out. He was beaten with clubs and beheaded.
SHE: Have you forgotten you’re a gourmet cook? Here’s a sure-fire recipe for a successful Valentine’s Day: Invite your girlfriend to be your Valentine’s Day dinner guest at your house. Two days before, clean the condo. The day before, clean it again. Ditto the day of the dinner.
Set the table with fresh flowers--a nosegay of forget-me-nots is ideal. Serve a simple, delicious meal--grilled chicken, a light fish--with a rose wine.
Give her your sincere greeting card during dessert. Turn on the music. Ask her to dance. And ask her to be your valentine.
If that ain’t enough, you’ve got the wrong girl.
