Safety in Numbers : O.C. Teens Are Among Those Finding It Easier and Less Stressful to Make the Dating Game a Team Sport by Going Out in Groups
There used to be only one way to go out with Peggy Sue. You’d pump up your courage and ask for a date.
The risks were considerable. She might say no. Worse, she might say no and laugh. Worse yet, she might say yes, and then you’d have to pick her up and spend hours being debonair with a virtual stranger.
But nowadays, the pressure’s off--well, eased--because dating in groups is on the rise. This is more than old-fashioned double-dating. It’s double-dating times five or 10. High-schoolers have discovered that in large groups, you can still go out with a boyfriend or girlfriend--or a prospective one--and have more fun than jitters.
“If you’re just starting to date someone or you don’t know how you feel about them or you just want to see what they’re like, you definitely go with a group,” says Kent Jancarik, a senior at Mission Viejo High School. “If most of your friends are there, it eases the tension. It’s kind of a happy family. There definitely has been a pick up of that activity (in) the last couple of years.”
“It’s kind of like a foundation,” says Loren Colin, a junior at Laguna Hills High School. “If you want to get close to someone, you ask her, ‘Join us, join us.’ Maybe afterward you can work it out.”
“You definitely feel more powerful (in a group),” says 15-year-old Alexandra Ruan, a 10th-grader at Carson High School. “And with lots of people, you’re free to act any way you want, so you can have fun and be safe.”
Groups of couples, groups of friends, groups of couples and friends. Many teen-agers in search of romance say they prefer to start out in a crowd. They don’t have to worry about holding up a conversation (in a group, if your romantic interest turns out to be a dud, there’s almost always someone else to talk to), who’s going to foot the bill (most pay for themselves) and what to do (the one with the car usually decides and makes arrangements). And with friends eager to play match-makers, teen-agers say it’s easier to pursue a crush.
“Group dating is definitely in,” and more teen-agers are hanging out in crowds, says Irma Zandl, president of Zandl Group, a New York-based youth market consulting and research firm. The company recently conducted focus groups with 2,600 teen-agers nationwide and found more than half preferred group dating because it’s cheaper, safer and easier in terms of meeting people and transportation.
“Drinking and sexuality and use of drugs have changed a great deal,” says Dr. Justin D. Call, chief of child and adolescent psychiatry at the UC Irvine College of Medicine. “There is much more activity among boys and girls. . . . The groups are, in one sense , a psychological safety net for kids who aren’t really ready for a one-on-one relationship. One-on-one can impose higher demands.”
Add to that the fear of AIDS, sexual assault and random violence and the conclusion is inescapable that “it’s a more stressful time to grow up than five or 10 years ago,” says John W. Bakaly, a psychologist who also teaches human sexuality at Polytechnic School in Pasadena.
Little wonder some teens feel safer in groups.
Robin Pike, a Venice High School senior, recalls how he wanted to ask out a classmate, Emily Chow, but felt nervous about being alone with her on their first few dates. “I was worried that some panhandler or someone might harass us,” says Robin, 17. “I wanted us to be safe, not scared.”
So he made it a point to mingle, eat lunch, watch movies and hang out with a group of their mutual friends. “Group dating also gave us more choices of things to do, especially since neither one of us drives. And if we’re having fun, it’s easier to get to know and like the other person.”
For Emily, also 17, more people meant less pressure. “Sometimes I’m shy, so I don’t think I would have done anything except like Robin,” Emily says. “But I was able to tell a friend about him. And that helped get things going.”
A year later, the couple say they still go out with friends. But, Robin says, “at times, we go out just the two of us.”
Emily and Robin fit the new dating pattern. Experts say that after couples get to know each other in the safety of a group, they can schedule an occasional private outing. Some teen-agers actually feel they are sneaking a date.
“They like to reserve one night a weekend for friends and the other for a boyfriend or girlfriend,” says Peter Zollo, president of Teenage Research Unlimited, a marketing consulting firm in Northbrook, Ill.
“Even within group dating, girls usually have more so-called dates than boys,” Zollo says. “That’s usually because young teen-age girls are more social and interested in dating than boys.”
And they are also more likely to go out with an older crowd, says Donald Dear, who teaches history at Stephen M. White Middle School in Carson. “It’s still cool for girls to go out with older boys and not cool for boys to go out with older girls,” Dear says. “Most 13- or 14-year-old boys are more interested in sports than dating. Not so for the girls.”
Thirteen-year-old Roberta, who attends Mark Twain Junior High in Mar Vista, calls boys her age immature and “dorky.” On weekends, she prowls the malls and Venice Beach with three girls her age and four boys between 15 to 17. (Her parents will allow her only to go out in a group.)
“I think going out in groups is funner and makes things easier,” Roberta says.
Eighteen-year-old Clifford of Arcadia, a gay teen-ager, says going out with a group is the best way he knows to find a companion. Friends can help introduce him to other gay males.
“People assume everyone is heterosexual,” says Clifford, who did not want his real name used. “I’m practically asking for rejection if I go up to a male and start talking to him in a way that shows I’m interested in a relationship. So I need friends who know I’m gay to help me out.”
Going out in a group does not have universal appeal.
It’s all a matter of what you want, says Brian Singer, a junior at Fullerton High School. “If you want to be closer, then you go out one-and-one. If you want to have, like, a friendly time, you go out in a group.”
Stacy Holmes, 17, says sometimes she wishes she and her 22-year-old boyfriend spent more time alone. “I sometimes have to boost his ego around his friends, and that can get tiring,” says the 12th-grader at Los Angeles High School.
“He acts macho and says to me, ‘Come here, girl.’ I let him take control cause he’d get embarrassed if I dogged him in front of his friends. But when we’re alone, I’m like, ‘Excuuuse me.’ ”
Karen Holmes, Stacy’s 43-year-old mother, says she can’t understand why most teen-agers reject traditional dating. She remembers a former boyfriend who met her parents and then courted her on the family room sofa during her first date at age 18. The first kiss came on date No. 7.
“It was simpler when boys would pursue girls,” Karen Holmes says, sighing. “I don’t understand groups being (called) a date. I’m trying to understand teen-agers and the changing times.”
But Steve Eastmond, whose son, Dan, is a junior at Newport Harbor High School, says he thinks group dates might be a good idea. “It’s probably safer for things that might happen as far as getting pregnant. It retains the friendship aspects longer. One kid we know of got so emotionally attached that when the breakup came, it was shattering. With everything else going on in high school, avoiding that saves a lot of emotional energy.
“My guess is the more academically involved kids are more into the group dating,” Eastmond says. “Those who have more of a need for some kind of a support person need that steady, single date.”
Some teen-agers say they’d like more time alone to be affectionate. Fifteen-year-old Bell, who attends Carson High School, says she and her boyfriend haven’t had sex because it’s hard to find time to be alone.
“Our group does everything together,” she says. “We make out and stuff in front of them, but we would never (have sex) in front of them. I’d like more privacy sometimes.”
But lack of privacy doesn’t bother Sal, 16, and Jen, 14, who attend Venice High. They admit they kiss and hug a lot--in school halls and malls, bus stops, hamburger joints and movie theaters.
“We really like each other, and we want everyone to know it,” says Sal, who lives in Redondo Beach. “We go out with our friends who are couples and (the couples) will all make out at a movie or something. The only place we don’t feel comfortable making out is at one of our houses, ‘cause that would get us in trouble.”
Kathryn Bourn, 17, says dating in groups diminishes the desire to kiss. “Having lots of people around takes the pressure off because there is less sexual tension and temptation,” explains the 12th-grader at Gateway Christian School in Harbor City.
Group dating may make it easier for teen-agers to “hook up,” but it does nothing to diminish the pain of breaking up. Diane Ventura, a Spanish teacher at Fleming Junior High School in Lomita, says teen-agers involved in a breakup may wind up more heartbroken if they share the same circle of friends.
“Everyone knows about it, and that makes it more difficult,” Ventura says. “Once there was this little seventh-grader in tears because she just broke up with her boyfriend. All of their friends were buzzing about it during class. It made the girl feel really bad, and it just disrupted the day’s lesson.”
A similar incident happened to Bell. About a year ago, her boyfriend of three weeks “dumped” her in front of their crowd of friends. “I had to find new people to hang with ‘cause I was so embarrassed,” she says. “I just felt like screaming. That’s the bad thing about doing things in groups. It’s OK now. I got a new group to go out with.”
Sixteen-year-old Matt Laurin, a 10th-grader at Peninsula High School in Palos Verdes, says knowing a person as a friend before becoming romantic reduces the chance of a breakup.
“That’s why first going out in groups is smart,” he says. “You rush into a relationship, and things can get pretty bad. But if you’re in a group, you can always turn to your friends.”
