Money Talks, but Since It Can’t Whisper Sweet Nothings, Who Cares?
What’s Topic B among men and women (if you’re not sure what Topic A is, you’re behind on your soaps)? Yes, it’s ...
Money. The lean green. If money isn’t necessarily the conductor of the Mating Dance Orchestra, it’s at least calling a few of the tunes.
But there’s a larger dynamic at work here than simply how the bills get paid. It’s who’s doing the paying, through the nose and otherwise. Is money an aphrodisiac, a badge of power, a bargaining chip for respect--even intimacy--or is it simply filthy lucre?
HE: Trust me--a lot of guys reading this have started to scowl already. Because nearly all of them, at one point or another in their lives, have been struck by that big blue carbon arc light of Truth, and in that light is the sickening realization that (these words are verbatim, by the way) “She didn’t give a damn about me. She was only in it for the money.” If you like, you can substitute “expensive vacations/dinners/gifts/clothes/evenings on the town” for the word “money.”
Many women find this observation rife with oppression. Most men merely nod.
Having said that, let me add that such women are--thank God!--usually the exception rather than the rule. Still, there’s always that unsettling feeling among a lot of, say, six-figure business types that their sweetie would bolt at Mach 10 if they decided to give it up to pursue a career as a painter.
SHE: Dear Reader, we decided to do this column when Pat and I were having lunch at Planet Hollywood last week and Priscilla Presley cruised by, took a long look at Pat and whispered something like, “hope you like the food.”
I said to Pat: “Wow! She picked you to talk to out of this whole crowd. She thinks you’re cute.”
And he said . . .
HE: Something like, “I’d start to get a lot less cute the second I opened my wallet.”
You thought this was a bitter observation, but most guys have come to recognize it as a regrettable fact of life: Some women wouldn’t give a decent but impoverished man the time of day, but they’d shoot each other dead in the street over a miserable, evil weasel who has a glittering stock portfolio.
Warren Farrell, who wrote “Why Men Are the Way They Are”--a book that ought to be required reading for both sexes--nailed this point forever when he said that opportunistic women trade on their sex appeal and opportunistic men trade on their ability to make money. She’s therefore a sex object and he’s what Farrell refers to as a “success object.” Both are dehumanized.
SHE: If Priscilla was only looking for money, she would have passed by without saying a word. There was no solid gold Rolex on your wrist, no Armani on your back, no Rolls-Royce key ring on the table to tell her you were Daddy Warbucks.
We’re not talking opportunism here. She saw in you a quality she liked and made a friendly move.
Most women understand that mature love is what really makes them happy, not a fistful of $10,000 bills. In fact, in her book, “Couples and Money,” Victoria Felton-Collins of Laguna Beach says, “things don’t necessarily get easier as you get richer. Usually the stakes get higher and the problems more baffling.”
HE: Yeah, Freddie Couples is starting to learn that in spades. Fred’s one of the two or three best golfers in the world right now, and he’s making a pile of money in prizes and endorsements. It wasn’t always so.
For years he was perfectly happy and content to finish, say, 10th and bring home a $35,000 paycheck every couple of weeks. His wife contented herself with living well off those winnings and playing polo. Then, a couple of years ago, Fred caught fire and started winning everything.
Now he’s about to be single again. His soon-to-be ex-wife wants not only a divorce, but--get this--$52,000 a month in alimony. That’s just slightly less than his second-place money from the L.A. Open a few days ago. That sends a pretty powerful message.
SHE: I get the feeling that, in general, men feel impotent without money. For them, money is power--CONTROL.
What’s important to me is not how much a man has to spend, but how he spends. I’ve seen rich men gripe about spending 10 bucks and I’ve seen not-so-rich men give a woman the world. Show me a man who can spend $10 freely and I’ll show you a man who can love freely. That’s the combination women long for.
HE: But, today more than ever, I think men are wondering why money is in that equation at all. We talk to our bankers about money. We want to talk to our sweethearts and wives about love.
SHE: Not when sweethearts and wives are out there pounding the pavement to help make ends meet.
“Many couples today are navigating life with two careers,” Felton-Collins says, “or are attempting to reconcile traditional husband and wife roles in these non-traditional post-feminist times . . .
“When you hold your relationship as the framework, money becomes only one component of the picture--granted, an important one.
“All financial choices fall into proper perspective when primary attention is given to the more important subject of love.”
Amen.
