The Diet Duet Has Two Sizable Roles : Togetherness can have a profound impact on weight. And ‘help’ from a partner does not always have positive results.
Jack Sprat could eat no fat,
His wife could eat no lean:
And so betwixt them both, you see,
They licked the platter clean Couples have long been waxing and waning on the issue of weight. Some have found a comfortable balance--a state epitomized in the Jack Sprat nursery rhyme--but many others have struggled mightily.
When Marion, a 47-year-old Santa Ana office administrator, started a weight reduction program, her husband praised her--initially. “For the first three months he encouraged me,” she says.
Then things changed.
“After a few months, he began to criticize me if I gained a pound or stayed the same. His nagging hurt my feelings, so I told him I no longer wanted to share my progress with him--only with positive people. He got angry, but my decision turned out for the best.”
She succeeded in losing 25 pounds.
Though how much we weigh should be our own individual business, once we unite with someone else, our weight suddenly becomes a couple issue, says Amy Stark, a clinical psychologist in Santa Ana who provides family and individual therapy and often counsels people trying to lose weight. “People have definite ideas about how their partner should look.”
With these expectations often come instructions on how best to lose weight and scolding when the inches don’t melt away.
Thanks to all this “expert” advice, many spouses and significant others affect a person’s weight loss attempts, says Newport Beach registered dietitian Michelle Pawlak, who does private and corporate nutritional counseling, often working with couples and families regarding weight loss and healthy eating plans.
“Food is an integral part of our lives; eating is something we do several times a day, often with our spouses,” she says. “There is a lot of emotional significance attached to eating that can affect what we eat and how much.”
Marriage and togetherness can have a profound affect on a person’s weight.
“Some married people who have weight trouble feel safe in the relationship, so when they tire of fighting the weight, they just let themselves go,” Stark says.
“In other situations, the person without a weight problem may belittle the overweight person with nasty ‘fat’ labels. The more the overweight person is criticized, the higher his or her weight goes in an attempt to insulate himself or herself from the emotional abuse,” she says.
Many with weight problems turn to food for comfort because they aren’t getting the nurturing they need in their relationship, Stark says. That is often why women eat more than they need to, she says. While men can also overeat to compensate for a lack of nurturing, they are more likely to turn to food for comfort when they are depressed.
In relationships in which both partners have a tendency to be overweight, they sometimes simply get carried away cooking and eating together. In some instances, people even gain weight because their spouse is trying to love them with food. “Many women adhere to the old adage, ‘The way to a man’s heart is through his stomach,’ ” Stark says.
However, Stark says, sometimes individuals who are obese have underlying serious personal or marital problems that have not been addressed.
“I recently counseled one couple (where) the wife began to lose weight and feel good about herself, but the husband is still overweight and not trying to help himself. That marriage is headed for disaster,” Stark says.
Because being overweight in our society is so socially unacceptable, partners often make the mistake of trying to make the other person’s weight their business.
“The truth is, if your spouse is overweight, it has to be his or her decision to lose the weight,” Stark says.
“Slim spouses will sometimes announce to the overweight person: ‘If you really loved me, you’d lose weight,’ ” she says. “It’s not about an overweight person loving his or her spouse. It’s about the person loving himself or herself enough to lose weight. A slim person can lovingly express concern and offer to help, but the decision is ultimately the overweight person’s. Nagging, pleading, begging, provoking and threatening won’t help and may very well hinder, causing a person to gain even more weight.”
Because an overweight person’s spouse is a powerful influence, what he or she does and doesn’t do is very important. To help a loved one lose unwanted pounds, keep the following in mind.
* Have compassion. “For people who have a tendency to be overweight, losing weight is no easy task, Stark says. “Unfortunately, some naturally slim spouses have a hard time understanding this. They may think their spouse has no willpower, while the truth is he or she probably has a much slower metabolism.” Marion, the woman who lost 25 pounds, says that her husband is thin and has to eat double helpings just to keep on weight. “Don’t tell a dieter how easy it is to lose weight, if you don’t have a weight problem yourself. You have no idea how difficult it can be,” she advises. * Don’t be parental. When a person is trying to lose weight, many spouses are tempted to play calorie police. “Unless he or she asks you to, don’t monitor what your spouse eats,” Stark says. “And never badger the person by asking how much weight has been gained or lost. In the same respect, don’t try to shame your spouse into losing weight by saying things like, ‘Gee, if you eat any more, you won’t be able to get out from behind the table!’ ”
* Communicate. Your spouse may want and need your help. “Sit down and discuss how much intervention the person wants,” Pawlak says. “Some people need encouragement and supervision, while others like to be more independent.”
According to Marion, when in doubt, keep your mouth shut. “If a person doesn’t ask for any help or encouragement, silence is often best,” she says.
* Beware of sabotage. Sometimes spouses will knowingly or unknowingly put the dieter in a bad position by bringing home fattening foods that are irresistible to the overweight person.
“In such cases, you may be trying to show affection by bringing home your spouse’s favorite treat, but it’s not a good idea,” Pawlak says. “Don’t bring home snacks, even for yourself, that he or she will have trouble resisting.”
* Eat the same foods. “A healthy diet to lose weight should be no different than a diet to maintain a desirable weight,” Pawlak says.
“There’s no need for the slim person to eat a different diet than the person who’s watching his or her weight. Eat a healthy diet of 55% carbohydrates, less than 30% fat and about 15% protein and your spouse will not only lose weight, but you’ll both become healthier. There are many positives that come from eating better, including a higher energy level and a reduction in the risk of contracting heart disease and various cancers.”
By eating smaller portions of meat and using low-fat cooking methods such as baking, broiling, grilling, roasting, boiling and poaching and substituting with the many low-fat and nonfat products on the market, it’s possible to make revised versions of favorite meals that everyone can enjoy, Pawlak says. Round meals out with plenty of fruits and vegetables and whole grains and cereals.
Sharing the same meals saves the cook from double work and prevents the dieter from feeling deprived and as if he or she is on a temporary program. “Eating well should be a lifelong commitment,” Pawlak says.
The person who wants to shed pounds can benefit by keeping these things in mind:
* Tell your partner how and why you want to lose weight. “Sit down with your spouse and explain to him or her why losing weight is important and what your goals are,” Pawlak says. “Then discuss how he or she can help you.”
* Remain focused. “Life gets hectic, and it’s easy to forget our goals, so it’s important to remind yourself of what you’re doing and why,” Pawlak says. “Visualizing what you want to look like and what you want to be doing at your new weight is also helpful.”
* Gauge results. Regularly checking on your progress will encourage you as you come closer to your goal. Depending on what you’re trying to achieve, this could mean measuring how many inches you’ve lost, getting cholesterol or blood sugar tests or having your blood pressure checked.
* Losing together. Overweight couples who decide to lose weight together can work as a team by encouraging each other, sharing in the planning of nutritious low-fat meals and by getting involved in activities--such as walking--that don’t involve food.
