One Couple Takes the Time to Trust

They’d both been burned by deceit in previous relationships, so they approached each other cautiously, with their eyes wide open and their guard up.

Christine and Tom, who asked for anonymity, first met by phone, after she responded to the personals ad he had placed in a newspaper. As they got acquainted, each searched for signs that the stranger on the other end of the line was someone they could learn to trust.

Tom made points when, in a voice Christine describes as “warm, calm and centered,” he told her that nothing was more important to a relationship than honesty. And Christine impressed him with her openness; unlike the many other women who’d responded to his ad, she didn’t squirm or change the subject when he tried to get below surfaces.

The calculated assessment that went on during this phone conversation--and continued as Christine and Tom gradually developed what is now a very intimate relationship--is a reflection of how difficult it is to build trust in today’s high-risk dating scene.

Singles who are in the market for a new relationship are dealing with some sobering facts of life, including the following:

* The specter of AIDS makes it more vital than ever to exercise good judgment in deciding whom to trust.

* The ability to determine whether someone can be trusted is especially important to the many people who go out with strangers they’ve met at singles bars or through dating services and ads.

* The prevalence of divorce casualties in the singles ranks makes it harder than ever to find people who are emotionally ready for a new relationship. Those who are not may be afraid to trust--or they may be so needy that they trust too quickly.

* No matter how careful you are or how good your judgment is, trust is always a risk.

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No one knows that better than Anaheim banker Ronald Askew, who sued his ex-wife for fraud after she admitted that she had never been sexually attracted to him. A Superior Court jury recently ordered Bonnette Askew to pay her ex-husband $242,000 in damages. Ronald told the jury he felt deceived, because he’d asked Bonnette before their marriage to be honest and reveal any important secrets.

She acknowledged in court that she hid her lack of sexual desire for her husband during their 11-year marriage because she “didn’t want to hurt his male ego.”

The Askew case raises a tough question for couples who are in the process of building a relationship: How can you trust that the person you’ve fallen for is showing you his or her real self and expressing feelings honestly?

One way to make sure that what you see is what you get is by allowing time for friendship to develop before romance, observes Huntington Beach resident Lexie Bauer, who is 39 and single. She admits she used to be too quick to trust. “I used to rush into relationships. A lot of women do that because they get lonesome,” she explains.

However, she adds, she didn’t make the mistake of moving too fast with the man she is now seeing, “and we’re doing wonderfully.”

Marti Monroe, a marriage, family and child therapist who practices in Santa Ana and Huntington Beach, says that, in spite of the threat of AIDS, many of today’s singles allow sex to enter a relationship before trust.

“We’re in all kinds of trouble because people are touching each other too soon. It’s not uncommon to have sex on the first or second date,” she says. “Once you become physically involved with some one, your objectivity is out the window. You see them through a filter that says, ‘I’m attached, so they must be OK.’ And then it’s easy to overlook some very vivid danger signals.”

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One of the danger signs Monroe looks for when she’s getting to know a man is evidence that he is hiding from his emotions. Often, this shows up through addictive behavior, which includes workaholism as well as alcoholism and drug abuse.

“People can only be as honest with others as they are with themselves,” says Monroe, who is 51 and divorced.

When she’s evaluating whether a man is “living consciously,” she asks such simple questions as: Does he rest when he’s tired and eat when he’s hungry? Does he know when he’s overstressed? When he gets angry, does he have good cause?

Monroe figures that if the answer to these questions is “no,” she should proceed with caution, because anyone who lacks self-awareness in these basic areas isn’t likely to be in touch with his true feelings about others.

Self-awareness is one of many measures Monroe uses to determine whether men are trustworthy. She also evaluates their listening habits. (Do they show genuine interest or do they keep bringing the conversation back to themselves?) And she watches them around their closest friends, looking for signs that they have a reputation for honesty among others. She even assesses the way they drive and how they treat service people.

“Trusting people is about getting clear what you want and then deciding if that’s what they are and testing it,” she says.

Debbi Elliott, a member of the Balboa Psychotherapy Group in Corona del Mar, says one test of trustworthiness should be whether the person you’re dating wants you to succeed. Anyone who isn’t elated when you get promoted or doesn’t encourage you to pursue new opportunities can’t be trusted to be a nurturing partner, she says.

“In unhealthy relationships, people aren’t being encouraged to be the most they can be because the other person feels, ‘I wish it were me.’ You don’t want to have to compete with this person. If the other person pushes you down so they can feel better about themselves, who wants to be in that relationship?”

Barbara Lee, a Newport Beach psychotherapist, sees a lot of people making the same mistakes in one relationship after another, because they haven’t done enough soul-searching or given themselves time to figure out why they trusted the wrong person before. She says many people who have been hurt immerse themselves in work in order to avoid the pain that can come from self-examination.

“They become very busy. Then loneliness will overcome them, and someone will come into their life. If they’re real vulnerable, they’ll jump into the relationship much too quickly.” And later, when their loneliness has been eased, many discover that they’ve become involved with someone just like the last person they broke up with, Lee says.

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Both Christine and Tom were determined to avoid making that mistake when they began seeing each other last October. Christine is a 42-year-old entrepreneur who married at 19 and divorced about 13 years later. Tom, a 41-year-old engineer, has never been married, but he was engaged when his last relationship ended about a year ago.

Both had been through therapy before they met and, having analyzed the mistakes they’d made in the past, felt ready for a serious relationship. Still, they agreed to move slowly.

Christine admits that, after going through a divorce and several long-term relationships that didn’t work out, she doesn’t trust easily. When she first started seeing Tom, she asked for his business card because one man she dated lied to her about where he worked in an effort to impress her. (He told her he’d been promoted, and she caught him in the lie when she sent flowers to the company where he claimed he was employed.)

She says Tom has been refreshingly honest--and consistent--since the start of their relationship. And he has demonstrated his sincerity through actions as well as words.

Just a month after they met, Christine went through a difficult jaw surgery. She didn’t want Tom to see her when she wasn’t at her best, so she asked her sister to call him and warn him about how “gross” she looked. Tom showed up anyway, presented a bouquet of flowers to Christine and said, “You’re such a beautiful person, how could I think you’re ugly? I like the way you look no matter what.”

After that, Christine, who was worried about the outcome of the surgery, found herself letting down her guard and crying in his arms. “I was amazed that I was able to admit I was scared.”

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Tom also won Christine’s trust by never pushing her to be more physical with him than she wanted to be. She put him to the ultimate test last Christmas Eve, when she told him she wasn’t ready for sex but wanted him to spend the night with her so they would wake up together Christmas morning.

“I knew if he couldn’t do it, he’d tell me,” Christine says. She gave Tom some pajamas for Christmas, and he was wearing them when he came to bed after she had fallen asleep. He managed to get through the night without making any advances.

A week later, on New Year’s Eve, they had sex for the first time. But it wasn’t a spontaneous act.

Early in their relationship, Tom had asked Christine if she was willing to have an HIV test, and she had agreed. They had just been to a health clinic together and were still waiting for the test results when New Year’s Eve arrived. By then, Tom says, “we knew each other very well. I’m sure she’d told me things she’d never told anyone else.” They trusted each other enough that they felt they could safely have sex without waiting for the test results. (However, Christine points out, they did use a condom.) The following week they returned to the clinic together and received the good news--both tested negative.

Although they seem to be growing closer every day, Christine and Tom are still determined not to rush their relationship.

They recently talked about the fact that, emotionally, they are moving at different paces. Tom has told Christine that he loves her, but she hasn’t been able to get the words out. That concerned her until she told Tom she was pushing herself to keep up with him, and he reassured her that there was no hurry; he would wait.

He’s made a conscious effort to avoid overwhelming Christine with words of love because “I don’t want her to feel pressured. If she’s going to get there, she will when she’s ready.”

Tom will soon be leaving on a business trip to Asia that will take him away from Christine for three months. Both say they have developed enough trust to feel secure about their relationship surviving a long separation.

With honesty, sensitivity and patience, they’re building a “very solid foundation” for whatever lies ahead, Christine says.