Looking for True Brit

Things to do today:

1. Wash the dog.

2. Get charcoal for barbecue.

3. Develop a British accent.

We figure you can handle numbers 1 and 2 on your own, but allow us to help you with that third item. Read this next sentence aloud, in your best imitation of an upper-class Brit: “Good Lord, whatever prompted this?”

That’s beautiful. It could use a little work, but you’ve got all day. And for playing along, we’ll answer your question: The hot footlights, the roar of the crowd, are calling your name. Yep, the Long Beach Playhouse is holding auditions this week for Alan Ayckbourn’s comedy “Bedroom Farce.”

Before you say, “No way,” to the stage, consider. Consider having a little fun. Consider finding a skill you didn’t know you had. This could be a whole new career, and in an unstable economy, it’s good to have something to fall back on. But you have to work a little for this. Let’s face it, you are not likely to be discovered at a soda fountain. You don’t even know where a soda fountain is, and studio talent scouts don’t hang out there anymore anyway. So think about starting with this play.

“Bedroom Farce” revolves around four couples and three on-stage bedrooms. Three couples are constantly interrupted during one long night of hilarity by an utterly self-absorbed and distraught fourth couple who are having marital problems. (If this happened to you just last week, then you’ve got your motivation down cold.)

So let’s look at the eight challenging roles available for “Bedroom Farce,” keeping in mind that any one of these could be yours.

First, there are Ernest and Delia. They are 45 to 60 years old and described as detached, pretentious and selfish.

Nick and Jan are 25 to 35, trendy, upscale, attractive and, you guessed it, selfish.

Malcolm and Kate are in the same age range as Nick and Jan, but are described as innocent, cute, pleasant and childish.

Finally, Trevor and Susannah another 25 to 35 pair, are attractive, nerve-racked, suffering and selfish. These are the poor souls without an on-stage bedroom of their own.

Basically, you need to act childish or selfish, pretentious or cute, and do it all in a British accent. You can do this.

You may be asked to read cold from the script. Bring a recent photograph (of yourself, please) and a resume and be prepared to do a one-minute monologue from a contemporary British play. No union card required. Better to practice over a nice cup of tea.

Auditions will be Monday and Tuesday from 6:30 to 10 p.m. at the Long Beach Playhouse, 5021 E. Anaheim St. The play will run from Aug. 13 through Sept. 18. Rehearsals will be held evenings and weekends.

Information: 494-1616.