The Relatives Are Coming! : ‘Having in-laws stay over is like an Olympic competition,’ says one hostess. ‘I wish I only had to endure this grueling event every four years.’
The call comes: Mom, Dad, Aunt Mildred and Uncle Joe are coming to visit.
“We’ll have so much fun, honey,” Mom says over the phone. “We can all go to Disneyland and the beach! Even Fido’s coming along so the kids will have someone to play with.”
Although you manage to say, “That’s great, Mom,” your head is already aching. Relatives, here, for a week. The house is a wreck, the kids are whining about being bored and you’ve got tons of work at the office.
Many guests are very welcome, but some are easier to accommodate than others. Even in the best of circumstances, having visitors in the house makes life more hectic.
For the parent of young children who is already busy with work and running a household, having guests can seem like one more responsibility; for the grandparent used to coming and going without taking into account a child’s needs, the tears, toys and general chaos that accompany children in the house can be nerve-racking; for the newlywed trying to get acquainted with the in-laws, having guests can feel a lot like being on trial.
Whatever your circumstances and whomever is visiting, how well you handle having visitors depends a lot on your personality.
“The more easygoing you are, the easier it is to have guests,” says Alexandra Rosenberg, a Newport Beach clinical social worker in private practice. “If you are, on the other hand, more perfectionistic and controlling, it’s harder to have your routine broken and your space invaded.”
Even if you’re a laid-back personality, there are some inherent stresses in visits from relatives. In some cases, relationships with in-laws create havoc. In others, individuals have problems with their own families, says Ron Hirz, a psychiatrist with offices in Tustin and Lake Forest who has been working with individuals and families for 20 years.
Wendy Vallier, an Anaheim property manager and student, is becoming experienced in having in-laws as guests. She and her husband are visited twice a year by his mother, now 73, who usually stays a week; her husband’s siblings also sometimes visit.
“Having in-laws stay over is like an Olympic competition,” she says. “A great deal of preparation is required to attempt to execute a flawless performance, and through it all you pray for good marks from the judges--your in-laws. I only I only had to endure this grueling event every four years.”
Vallier, who recently became a mother, said that her mother-in-law expects a lot of attention, which has become increasingly difficult to provide.
“My mother-in-law loves Chinese checkers and no one else will play them with her, so I indulge her,” Vallier says. “The problem is, she can sit for hours playing checkers, when I’ve really had enough after about 20 minutes. The last time she was here, she just kept on playing, and I couldn’t put my daughter to bed. I had to sit there and nurse the baby while we played.”
The hardest part for Vallier of having her in-laws visit, however, is not having the familiarity she has with her own family, including an understanding of the family code of behavior.
“There are ongoing family grievances that existed long before you came into the picture you may not know about,” she says. “For instance, I said something about my husband’s sister in front of my mother-in-law, and she looked at me as if I had lost my mind. I found out later that the rest of the family never tells his mother about the things his sister does.”
Many people find it especially difficult when in-laws visit because of how courteous they must be to the visitors.
Jeff McMillan, a college professor who lives in Santa Ana, has tried to avoid visits from his future in-laws but says his time is almost up.
“My girlfriend’s parents have threatened to visit and they probably will next summer,” he says. “Although I like her family, I’m not excited about their coming to stay. It’s hard to be on your best behavior for extended periods of time. We also come from completely different worlds, and once we get through the usual chitchat, I have no idea what we’ll talk about.”
Even if it’s your own family that’s staying, problems will no doubt arise.
“When our parents and siblings visit, we tend to revert to our childhood roles,” Rosenberg says. “Recently on a visit to my older sister’s, I turned into a 6-year-old and she became a 10-year-old when I asked to borrow her car and she refused. Underneath we’re all children, and situations with relatives can readily bring the kid in us out.”
Whether it’s your parents or your spouse’s family coming to visit, you can do many things to ensure that they and you have a good time.
Sharon Whatley, a writer in Tustin, has relatives from both sides of the family visit from out of state on a regular basis. After years of entertaining guests, she finally feels she has found the secret to everyone having a good time.
“The keys to a good visit are planning ahead and making things as simple as possible,” she says. “By spending time a few days before the guests come preparing the guest room, buying household supplies and cooking a few meals and snacks, you are likely to greet them with enthusiasm when they arrive, rather than almost falling over from exhaustion when you open the door because you were up all night preparing for their arrival.”
Whatley also has found that simplicity is best. “Once when my mother was coming to visit, I spent the whole morning making crab quiche and homemade rolls while my husband picked her up from the airport. When they arrived, my mother was delighted and said that lunch looked wonderful, but she added that she always made good plain food for guests. If I had made something simple, I could have gone to the airport with my husband.
“Instead of breaking your back trying to meet the standards you see in magazines, realize that the food doesn’t have to be exotic or the house devoid of dust balls. People are coming to see you.”
It also helps to realize that most guests don’t expect you to make every moment memorable.
“When people come to visit, you aren’t their tour director,” Whatley says. “You are there to enjoy them and make them comfortable. Although you can schedule activities, it’s not up to you to completely fill their time, and most people don’t expect or want you to.”
Free time during a visit is a healthy option for everyone, says Hirz, who suggests having a proposed schedule for the week that has four-hour blocks of free time. “This not only gives your guests a chance to get away or rest by themselves, it gives you a chance to unwind or get things done,” he says.
If no car is available for your visitors, arranging for a rental so they will be able to leave the house on their own can make for a much less stressful visit. During an extended stay, if you feel you need your home back for a night, you might help your guests plan a dinner and night out at a hotel.
To prevent hurt feelings during a visit, it’s important to be clear on everyone’s expectations about the stay, Hirz says.
Find out if the visitors want to eat out a lot or dine at home; where they’d like to visit and how much time they expect to spend with you and your children. Will you be taking time off work? All of these things are best dealt with up front so that no one ends up being disappointed.
Another secret to enjoying your guests is enjoying yourself. “Make this an opportunity to do something you’ve been wanting to do, but haven’t had the time for,” Hirz says.
When Whatley has guests, she asks them what they would like to do most and also plans an outing to share with them something she especially enjoys.
If activities will involve children, it’s also important to plan for their needs.
Michael Jarman, an attorney who lives in Mission Viejo, has two boys ages 6 and 10. “When guests are visiting, don’t set high expectations for your kids and you won’t be disappointed,” he says. “We always try to pick an activity that will be amusing for the kids so that everyone else will be guaranteed a good time. If you want to do things that young kids aren’t interested in or get bored with easily, then get a baby-sitter.”
Hiring outside help such as baby-sitters and even housecleaners is a good idea, agrees Hirz. “Having someone there to attend to the children and/or housework will free up your time to enjoy your guests. Getting help can also reward you for tolerating a visit that is less than enjoyable.”
If a visit is particularly stressful because you have a strained relationship with one of the visitors, chances are he or she is infringing on your boundaries, says Hirz. The person could be a parent or even an in-law who wants you to do what he or she says.
The best way to deal with this is to gently tell the person that you are an adult and can make your own decisions, Hirz says.
Once when Rosenberg’s parents were visiting, her father reprimanded her son. “A little later I pulled Dad aside and told him very nicely that I wanted him and my son to have a good relationship, but if he reprimanded him, (the boy would) probably be afraid of him. The message was clear: don’t reprimand my child, but I said it in a way that Dad understood and didn’t feel criticized.”
If talking directly to the person is not an option, elicit the support of someone else such as your spouse, an adolescent or the spouse of the difficult person, suggests Hirz.
No matter what you do, there are always some people who won’t respond to requests to leave your boundaries alone. With these people Rosenberg suggests grinning and bearing it.
“I turn difficult relatives who can’t stop talking or complaining about health problems into caricatures of themselves like the cartoon characters you see with bubbles next to their heads,” she says. “This gives me distance and makes it easier to be detached. It’s also very amusing.”
Another way to deal with a person who bothers you is to focus on a good trait. “If your mother-in-law is great with the children, take advantage of that and have her spend as much time with them as possible,” Rosenberg says.
When all else fails, remember, the visit won’t last forever.
“There is a part of us that enjoys company,” Rosenberg says. “Let that part come out and play and you’ll probably have a pretty good time.”