Davy Crockett Could Have Used Judges Like These

I’ve already got a name for the next Chavez-Whitaker fight:

“Remember the Alamodome.”

Julio Cesar Chavez is becoming the most beaten unbeaten boxer in boxing.

Pound for pound, that Julio really takes a pounding.

Meldrick Taylor made mincemeat of him, but a handy referee rescued Chavez with two seconds to go. Saved before the bell.

Then, Friday night in San Antonio, Whitaker did everything to Chavez but dial 911. He turned his face into Julio Cesar salad.

And for what?

A “majority-decision draw.”

Man, who scored this fight--Don King and his twin brothers, Ron King and Lon King?

Here’s a song, so sing along:

(To the tune of “Three Blind Mice.”)

Three blind judges;

Three blind judges.

See how they vote;

See how they vote.

They scored the Whitaker-Chavez fight;

They saw Pernell punch Julio’s nose all night;

Did you ever see such a robbery in your life?

Three blind judges.

J.C. Superstar, you have been a great champion. But get out before Terry Norris turns you horizontal.

*

I have this cool idea what we can do next to our good friends in New York.

Take their U.S. Open tennis away.

The L.A.-N.Y. rivalry has never been nastier.

We have Leno. They have Letterman. We have Heidi. They have Woody. We have riots. They have the World Trade Center. We have quakes. They have blizzards. We took Darryl Strawberry. They took Pat Riley. We took Jeff Hostetler. They took Jim Abbott. I forget who’s got the Grammys and who’s got the Emmys.

Anyway, I still don’t think they’ve gotten over the Dodgers leaving.

So, let’s de-tennis them.

Let’s build a new national tennis center--say, in the San Fernando Valley. Or else in Orange County. Or, hey, there’s always Irwindale.

Anywhere, as long as it’s out of an airport flight pattern.

Playing tennis in Flushing Meadow is like playing chess in Bosnia. Nice place, but a little too much activity around you.

Tennis players don’t (HEART) N.Y.

They hate New York in September; how about you? They hate the racket. Hate the hubbub. Hate the locker rooms. Hate the grub.

Did you catch Andrei Medvedev’s complaints? Funny stuff. New York didn’t much impress the Bob Uecker of Ukraine. He called the food “poison.” Called the U.S. Open the “worst Grand Slam.” More or less said the locker rooms reminded him of downtown Chernobyl.

Boris Becker growled something like: “Vill zis noise never schtop?!”

New York is a nice place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to serve there. Not with those New York jets passing overhead. And New Yorkers are the only tennis fans on the tour who make more noise than Monica Seles.

Let’s snatch their Open away.

We can trade them Michael Jackson and a scandal to be named later.

*

Speaking of tennis, here was last week’s stop-the-presses, front-page story: Tom Gorman Out as Davis Cup Coach!!!

Talk about excitement.

Next week, a big synchronized-swimming announcement.

*

Headline: Strawberry’s girlfriend drops charges.

Reminder: In this country, a hitter is innocent until designated.

*

I’ve been thinking about the Dodgers being in the same division with San Francisco, San Diego and Colorado.

Know what I’m thinking?

I’m thinking San Diego or Colorado could become the worst third-place team of all time.

*

Just think, if the Giants change their minds again and move to St. Petersburg, the Dodgers are in, babe.

*

Last week, Seattle did not give up a touchdown to a San Diego football team with a backfield of Marion Butts, Eric Biemieny, Ronnie Harmon and Natrone Means.

Makes me wonder how a Raider backfield of Steve Smith, Greg Robinson and Tyrone Montgomery will do.

Throw, Mr. Hostetler. Throw.

*

The Rams have a big game today against the tough Pittsburgh Steelers, who have a fine running back in Barry Foster and, of course, our old friend Kevin Greene at linebacker.

Here’s today’s bonus question:

Name another Pittsburgh Steeler.