Giving Wing, Taking Flight : Exhilaration and anxiety go hand-in-hand when offspring strike out on their own. O.C.parents and kids say the change can be a fresh start for everyone.
In many households, the start of college this month has been the turning point. The point when, after going it together for nearly two decades, parent and child go it on their own.
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It is a point that probably both parties have spent years looking forward to and at the same time dreading. Even when the move comes at a time both agree upon--the beginning of college being a mutually acceptable timetable in many homes--a mixture of emotions, from loss to exhilaration come into play.
Less certain timetables--say, when the child feels he or she has saved enough money or the parents feel they’ve been giving support long enough--can be fraught with additional emotions such as frustration and anger.
Whatever the specific circumstances of the move, it is an event of importance in the lives of both parents and offspring.
“If it’s been a healthy parent-child relationship, parents will feel some sadness when a child moves away because the relationship is changing from a dependent one to an independent, coequal relationship,” says Tustin marriage, family and child counselor Patrick DeMarco.
When they leave the security of home and venture out to care for themselves, young people will also feel some sadness and anxiety about their move.
How well a young person makes the transition out into the world has a lot to do with the parenting that has occurred before the move, says DeMarco. “If the parents encouraged independence, yet at the same time were supportive and emotionally accessible, the young person is likely to leave confident and prepared.”
When the relationship has been positive, those going and those staying behind look forward to the move.
“Parents and young people themselves become excited about the future and what he or she will become involved with, in terms of career and relationships,” says DeMarco. “This change also gives parents a chance to focus on their marriage and any personal goals they may have put aside during parenting.”
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Although Cheryl Olivere of Anaheim Hills dreaded the move of her youngest daughter, Holly, to Cal State Chico, she has found that things are going more smoothly than she expected.
“Over the years I put a lot of thought and energy into my children, especially my youngest daughter, who was the last to leave and the only one at home for a few years. We were very close and shared a great deal,” says Olivere, the 45-year-old mother of two children and two stepchildren. “When Holly left, I expected to have a huge void in my life, but it hasn’t been that way.”
Olivere has found that she’s enjoying the time she now has. “It’s nice and peaceful in the house, and I’ve got a lot more time to focus on the small business I’ve just started with a friend.”
She is also savoring the alone time she now has with her husband, Jim. This is the first time since the couple married 13 years ago that they’ve been alone. The marriage was a second for both and involved combining families. He had two daughters ages 11 and 16 and she had Holly, then 5, and a son, 10.
“Now it’s like we’re in a honeymoon phase; I actually feel younger,” says Olivere. “We’re really enjoying our time together. There is a difference in the house knowing that no one will be running in and out. We truly have privacy now.”
Jim Olivere, 51, a furniture manufacturer, says he’s been looking forward to having all the kids out of the house for some time. “This has changed our lifestyle and is really the start of a new life for us,” he says. “I’m ready for the quiet and privacy, and for the kids to be off on their own lives. I think I’ll enjoy all the children more now when they come to visit. Absence does make the heart grow fonder.”
Since she moved out a few weeks ago and has settled in a dorm room at school, the Olivere’s daughter, Holly Bakarich, 18, has been surprised at how well her mother has adjusted to her leaving. “Mom was crying a lot before I left, and I thought she’d have a harder time adjusting, but she’s doing OK. I thought she’d be calling me all the time, but I call her more.”
Although Bakarich says she always planned on moving away to college and her parents taught her self-sufficiency by giving her a lot of freedom and responsibility to make her own decisions, she says she was “hit hard emotionally” the first week away from home.
“I’ve always been independent and done things like my own grocery shopping, but it’s been a little overwhelming to take care of myself,” she says. “Living on my own is harder than I thought it would be, and I miss my family.”
Now that she is adjusting to life away from home, though, Bakarich says she’s looking forward to getting involved in school programs. She plans on getting a teaching credential in math with a minor in art and says she likes the school’s art department.
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RoxAnn Johnson, 43, has mixed emotions about seeing her only son, Rick, move from their home in Orange to his new apartment in Westwood so that he can attend UCLA this fall as a finance and economics major.
“Because he skipped a grade when he was in elementary school, Rick is 17 and a year younger than most kids starting college. Although he is intelligent and responsible, a part of me still thinks of him as my baby boy,” she says. “Sometimes I look at him and get flashbacks of when he was a toddler, and I can’t believe he’s leaving for college.”
Johnson, an interior designer, said her biggest concern is that she’ll be losing the ability to know that Rick is OK on a daily basis. “Now I know when he comes in at night, and I can take care of him when he has the flu. When he moves up there, I won’t be able to do that.”
In addition to worrying about Rick living in Los Angeles and the enormity of the UCLA campus, Johnson has also thought about what will happen if there is a big earthquake. “If the earthquake is a bad one, chances are we won’t be able to talk on the phone, which really concerns me,” she says. “I looked into getting a CB radio, but it wouldn’t go that far.”
Although she worries about her son being harmed by circumstances beyond his control, Johnson says she has a lot of faith in his ability to care for himself.
“When Rick was 12, his father and I divorced, and as the child of a single working mom, Rick learned to take care of himself,” she says. “Since the age of 12, Rick has been expected to wash and put away his own clothing, and for the last four years or so he has cooked for himself when his schedule didn’t allow him to eat with the family.”
Rick will be moving into a one-bedroom apartment with a friend and says that he is grateful that his mom taught him to care for himself. “Knowing how to cook meals, do laundry and clean house will really help,” he says. “My friends, whose moms do everything for them, can’t believe I’m moving into an apartment on my own, but my mom really prepared me.”
Still, Rick is a little apprehensive about his move.
“I’m nervous about school, and it will also be strange to have to grocery shop and not be able to open up a stocked pantry all the time,” he says. “I’m also going to miss my parents.” Rick lives with his mother and younger sister, but spends one evening a week and part of each weekend with his father.
One person Rick is actually looking forward to leaving is his younger sister, Heather, 15. “I think me moving out will make us closer,” he says. “My older sister and I didn’t get along until she moved out, and now we’re very close and we get along great. I think that will happen with Heather, too.”
Heather agrees. “In a way, I’m glad my brother is leaving, because we haven’t gotten along that great. I think being apart will make us miss each other and appreciate each other more.”
To help relieve any homesickness he might feel, Rick is furnishing his new apartment with a lot of reminders from home, such as posters, sports trophies and pictures of his family.
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When Larry and Cathy Anderson of Santa Ana said goodby to their only daughter, Karen, 18, as she moved to the UC Berkeley campus a few weeks ago, they couldn’t help feeling some sadness.
“Although change is a part of life and we knew our daughter would be leaving, it’s hard to see your little girl go,” says Larry Anderson, 54, a pharmacist. “When our son moved out two years ago, it wasn’t as emotionally traumatic, because we still had our daughter at home and he just moved to USC. Karen is the last to go, and she’s moved far away.”
Cathy Anderson, 47, feels the same way. “Since her sophomore year in high school we knew that Karen wanted to move out and attend college, and we didn’t have any problem with that because she’s always been independent and capable. But we still weren’t completely prepared for her departure. When you’re raising kids, it’s almost a 24-hour job; even when they get older, a lot of mental activity goes into them. Then all of the sudden they move out and it’s over, at least on a day-to-day basis.”
Although they will miss her, the Andersons are also very excited for their daughter.
“College is a wonderful experience for Karen that will be a great springboard for later in life,” says Cathy, an elementary school substitute teacher and teacher’s aide.
Karen Anderson, 18, had always planned on going away to college, but says that she experienced mixed emotions when the time actually came to leave. “Part of me wanted to break away from the family and start my own life, while another part of me wanted to cling to my family and friends,” she says. “You make those attachments over 18 years and they’re hard to break.”
While Karen is concerned about her parents missing her and she misses them, she also feels that their having the house to themselves and being able to concentrate on each other is positive.
Cathy does say that she and her husband have enjoyed spending more time with one another. “It’s been nice not having to eat dinner around Karen’s volleyball games,” she says. “We also went on a trip to Carmel for a couple of days, which was a new experience for us because in the past we’ve gone on our vacations with the kids. I’m sure we’ll take advantage of this new freedom even more in the future.”
When Karen lived in the house, the Anderson’s social life revolved around school activities, so they know they’ll have to do some adjusting. “Because there won’t be any structured school activities to attend, we’ll have to make an effort to cultivate the friendships with other parents we’ve developed,” says Cathy.
Karen plans to come home in late September and at Thanksgiving and Christmas, but after that Cathy doesn’t think she’ll return until summer.
“She’s really weaning herself from home and that’s good,” she says. “We always told our two kids that they could find their own comfort level for when they wanted to come home. We felt that it would be easier for them to move away if they knew it is perfectly OK to come home anytime they want.”
After a few weeks at Berkeley, where she’s majoring in environmental sciences, Karen is enjoying herself. “The best thing about moving out is being responsible and your own person,” she says. “When I came up here, I wasn’t sure if I could do everything myself, but I’ve learned that I can function as an adult without my parents and that’s a good feeling.”
Karen feels this ability to take care of herself comes from the guidance her parents have given her. “They’ve been preparing me since I was little to be out on my own,” she says. “Over the years, they gradually gave me more freedom and responsibility. We have a relationship built on trust, which has ultimately worked very well.”
When your children move out, your role as a parent changes dramatically, says Cathy.
“Whereas before you could dole out advice more strongly, once they move out you have to take a deep breath, step back and let them do their own thing. Although you don’t have control over their lives anymore, if you’ve built up a trusting relationship, they will still come to you for advice and support when they need it.”
