Youth / OPINION : ‘Those Days When You’re Locked Up Are Lost Forever’

When I got locked up the last time, it was for armed robbery. When I went in, they told me if I got locked up one more time, they were going to send me to the California Youth Authority. And they said I wouldn’t come out for a long time.

That’s when I started thinking there were better things I could be doing with my life. You can’t make up those days when you were locked up. They’re gone; lost forever. I wasted all that time for nothing.

But I still wasn’t ready to change. Later, I got in a fight with another kid and they put me in solitary. When you’re in solitary, you don’t see daylight at all. All you see is a brick wall, a bed and the toilet. So before they put me in, I asked for a pencil and a piece of paper and I started writing.

I was in there for a couple of days, so I had a lot of time to think and to write. You know, the work camp is like a prison for little kids. When you are in there, it’s like that side of the wall is their world and this side is our world. And as soon as you are in “the system,” it is so hard to get out. The more you fight it, the more it pulls you in. The more you mess with it, the more it messes with you.

Sometimes I would go to bed and just think about how much I wanted to get out of there. People would get homesick and other people would cry. I cried too. At first, I wouldn’t let anyone see me, but after a while, I didn’t care.

So when I got in solitary, when I went into the lockdown, it made me think a lot about the past. I told myself, “I don’t want to live this way.” I don’t care what it took, but I wasn’t going to go on living like that.

For the rest of the time I was in the camp, I spent every day thinking about what I was going to do when I got out. Like I told myself I was going to get a job. I was going to play football. I was going to do a lot of things differently.

I asked one of the counselors for help and I had one teacher there who told me to just keep on going, that I could make it if I really wanted to. That right there helped me decide that I could. If they believed in me, I thought, then I should believe in me, too.

But then again, people were telling me that before, when I was 10 and 11. Then, I was much younger and I didn’t hear it. But this time when I came out, I figured I didn’t have much more time to mess around. I had to get my life straightened out. It’s time for me to grow up.

But it’s hard, very hard, to stay away from the gangs. I was 10 years old when I first joined a gang. I just wanted to try it out, and after a while, I started liking it. I don’t know why, I just did. I was bored, I guess. There’s nothing else to do. That’s one of the reasons most of us joined gangs. Now that I have my jobs, I’m always busy. I’m never home long enough to get bored.

Another reason I was in a gang was to let people know who I was; to let people know I “was down” with those guys. And they were there for me most of the time. But when I was locked up, they never came to see me. My homeboys didn’t write to me; they didn’t even call.

I used to be proud of my reputation, but not any more. I don’t want to be known like that any more. Sometimes I slip up, like when I’m talking to an adult or something I might use a gang expression. But I just have to correct myself.

People still don’t trust me sometimes because of who I was. That’s what I mean about my reputation. A lot of the teachers at my school didn’t want me to come back. They didn’t even want me on the campus last spring for football practice--and that was after school!

I was really upset about that. I don’t think it was fair, but if I were a teacher and a kid like me was around, I’d probably feel the same way.

You know, people never showed me how to live this kind of life. There were always plenty of people around to show me how to be in a gang, but no one ever showed me how to live outside one. My mom used to try to talk to me, but we’d always fight. But when I was locked up this last time, they gave me some counseling and showed me how to talk to my mom.

Of course, they did that the other times I was locked up, too. But this time I listened. You know, you can’t change unless you want to change. It has to start with you. It doesn’t do any good to blame someone else.

So now when my mom sits down and talks to me, I think about what she’s telling me. And when I have a problem, I go out and talk to my friends and they try to help me out. It’s better this way because now I have someone to give me feedback.

One of the things we talk about is work, because I feel pressure there. People still don’t trust me sometimes because of who I was. I feel like someone is always watching my back, always keeping an eye on me. Sometimes I don’t even want to go to work because of that.

As far as my gang is concerned, I still see those guys and stuff, but I tell them, “Hey, I did a lot of dumb stuff for you guys, so you guys just have to understand now. I need to start making my life better.” Some of them got mad, but I don’t care.

I have a plan now for what I’m going to do with my life. I have my jobs. I’m going to play football and I’m getting remedial reading help at school so I can graduate. And when I finish school, I want to go into the Army. You know why? Because I know I need that discipline. I mean, I was in a gang for six years. I still need help.

And 10 years from now, I hope to be in the fire department. I want to have a family, a house. I want to go to college. If I stayed with the gang, in 10 years I’d probably still be living with my mom. If I was still alive, that is.

I never had people helping me before. I never had people telling me to go for it. Now I do. Now I have a lot of support, a lot of people helping me. That’s why, if anyone asked me, I would try to help them. My first advice would be, think before you get into a gang because after a while you’ll regret it. It’s not a good life.

I feel proud when people say I’m doing good. I feel like I’m really making it. It’s hard work, but I’m going to make it.