10 LISTS OF TEN FOR THANKSGIVING : 10 Things to Do If You Are Alone

Call it Nothanksgiving Day--a kind of anti-Thanksgiving for those who wind up alone. What to do? How to celebrate? A few suggestions:

1. Count your blessings. Rejoice! You do not have to spend the day with acrimonious family members feigning good cheer; acrimonious family members not feigning good cheer; well-intentioned friends who embarrassingly take pity on you; well-intentioned strangers who embarrassingly take pity on you; people of any sort politely forcing conversation you would not indulge under any other circumstances (i.e. real estate prices, car attributes, bargain-hunting tales); strangers who, judging by their nervous facial expressions, consider your attempts to make sincere and interesting conversation to be peculiar.

2. Escape. Go to the Los Angeles State and County Arboretum in Arcadia (open 9 a.m.-4:30 p.m.) and spend a few quiet hours noticing flora and fauna, and life in general. Make a special point of feeding all fowl on the premises. Go to E. J. “Lucky” Baldwin’s preserved cottage (you know, the one you always saw on “Fantasy Island”), peek in the windows, and imagine how beautiful and pastoral life in Arcadia was 100 years ago. Say a little prayer for the late Herve Villechaize, who yelled “the plane!” in the cottage’s front yard. Yell “the plane!” yourself.

3 Offer sanctuary. Call friends who have nowhere to go on Thanksgiving (or who might want to elude their own Thanksgiving obligations), invite them over, play poker, watch the “Twilight Zone Marathon” on KTLA. Order Chinese dinner and smoke cigars. Exchange ribald stories.

4 Offer comfort. Go to a children’s hospital and bestow good cheer on ailing tykes. Go to a fire station and give firefighters some fresh-baked cookies. Give a dollar to any lost soul who does not ask for money.

5 Avoid. If possible, go to the office. Trade shifts with anyone who might want the day off. There is a pleasing camaraderie among those who work on holidays--often preferable to strained at-home gatherings encumbered by expectations of good cheer. When friends express sorrow because you “must” work on Thanksgiving, sigh forlornly, then chuckle triumphantly when alone.

6 Mourn. Pity the millions of animals slaughtered to facilitate an indulgent, if not somewhat decadent, human ceremony. Pray for the souls of turkeys, pigs, cows and sheep as they ascend heavenward. Pray that they return in more fortunate form in the next life--say, as lawyers or Texas billionaires. Buy Linda McCartney’s cookbook and bake a soy-based simulated turkey.

7 Appreciate. If you insist on carving up a hen or tom turkey solo, make a proper ceremony of it. Spend some time getting acquainted with this fabulous animal as an act of appreciation and respect--a kind of symbolic equivalent of thanking the creature for sacrificing its life, as some aboriginal people do before killing prey. Investigate the turkey’s rich history; research the veracity of its alleged transplantation to the Americas in 1555 from Turkey.

8 Make a statement. When asked what you are doing for Thanksgiving, explain in detail why you think the holiday is inappropriate. Something along the lines of: “Humanity is a hopeless absurdity, and life is stupendously futile. To participate in a traditional demonstration of gratitude for something that is happenstantial, usually ridiculous, heavy on suffering, and of highly questionable worth is not something for which I can muster enthusiasm. Remember, after all, what happened to the dinosaurs.” Then elbow the author of the inquiry, add “just kidding!” and laugh like hell.

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9 Go with your feelings. Fully engage you misanthropy, but do it decoratively. Steer clear of cliched maudlin demonstrations involving tears and alcohol. Be perverse! Go out and, say, rent all 17 episodes of the brilliant television series, “The Prisoner,” with Patrick McGoohan, and watch them in succession. Or read “Robinson Crusoe” or “Papillon.” Listen to solo piano music. Go out and purchase a caged parrot. Take a dinner break at your neighborhood coffee shop, sit at the counter with all the other solo diners, avoid conversation. Develop crush on waitress (or waiter, depending on your taste) or lone diner, then flagellate yourself with the knowledge that you’ll probably never meet the person, or see her (or him) again.

10 Be dramatic. Select any restaurant you like, within budget. Order yourself a satisfying repast, have a belt of high-quality juice, then tap your glass until you command the attention of all around you. Stand up, raise your glass and declare: “To the greattesht damned coundry on earf! Habby Thangsgiving!” Then ask someone to drive you home.