Wisconsin’s Coming, so Badgering Begins

Passionate Pasadena people are calling me and asking: “Mike, what the heck can we expect from Wisconsin?” They already know what to expect from Ohio people, Iowa people, Michigan people. They were even prepared to get acquainted with Pennsylvania people. But what about Wisconsin people? What are they like? What kind of food do they eat? Do they drink anything but dairy products?

“Let’s see, last time anyone from Wisconsin spent New Year’s Day in our town, the Tournament of Roses queen’s float was pulled by an Edsel,” observes Rose Bowl deputy parade chairman I.M. Florid.

“I’ve never met an actual Wisconsinian,” says Rose Queen fourth-runner-up April Showers.

“What do they look like, and what would I say to a Wisconsin person if I ran into one on Colorado Boulevard?” asks parade musical coordinator Jan N. Dean.

OK. Good questions.

Let me fill y’all in, now that those monsters of Madison, those boys who went from bratwurst to first, yes, those toothy little Wisconsin Badgers will be passing through Pasadena to be UCLA’s opponent for a little football game we like to call the Granddaddy of Them All.

I particularly want you guys on UCLA’s team to take a good look at the Badgers, because by the time Wisconsin gets to another Rose Bowl after this, you all could be granddaddies.

Ready?

Let’s begin.

First, let me assure everyone in Pasadena that it is absolutely true what they say in that famous song about Madison, Wis., that “If I can make it there, I’ll make it anywhere.” It truly is the city that never sleeps.

What are Wisconsin people like?

Well, try to remember, the typical Wisconsin person looks and sounds almost exactly like the typical California person, except for not saying “dude” as often and carrying jumper cables instead of surfboards.

Wisconsin people tend to be considerably more conservative and far less vulgar than we creatures of the West Coast, wearing T-shirts, for example, that mention only Beavis.

Wisconsin people have been very, very loyal to their university’s football program, spending many a weekend in Madison watching such illustrious football players as . . . such illustrious football players as . . . uh . . . uh . . . Wisconsin people have been very, very loyal to their university’s football program, spending many a weekend in Madison attending a really swinging party.

The average Wisconsin person consumes more than 100 pounds of cheese per day, bad news for heart physicians but great news for Wisconsin’s booming liposuction industry.

Wisconsin people are among the most knowledgeable fans in college football, having watched many wonderful Rose Bowls on TV all the way until the Orange Bowl came on.

Wisconsin football recruits are routinely dazzled by the neon lights and glitz of nearby Illinois.

Many a great Midwestern high school player has come to the beautiful Madison campus after several aborted attempts to find Purdue.

You can say a lot of things about Wisconsin football players, but I suppose the one thing everybody agrees on is that the Badgers are really, really difficult to defeat in Japan.

In an uncanny irony, Wisconsin’s most famous football hero is probably Pat Richter, after whom seismologists from Pasadena named our most famous scale.

Rose Bowl officials should be alerted to the fact that, in an inexplicable breach of Big Ten tradition, no Wisconsin coach in a bowl game has ever punched an opposing player, thrown his cap or gotten tangled in his headphone cords. This could be the year.

Also, UCLA fans should be conscious that after a football game, Wisconsin people tend to topple out of the stands.

The famous fight song, “On Wisconsin” (many people don’t know this) was originally written by folk-music composer Stephen Foster, who woke up one day and decided he was really sick of writing tunes about Alabammy.

“On Wisconsin,” for many seasons of college football, usually described the calling of a holding penalty.

The school’s mascot, Bucky Badger, is not, as many believe, a student inside a costume. It is an actual badger, six feet tall, which has been trained to walk on two legs by popular university veterinarian Knute (Eight Finger) Petts.

Although Wisconsin people do follow West Coast college football, many nevertheless falsely believe that Terry Donahue is that actor who used to make movies with Sandra Dee and Connie Stevens.

I am happy to report that even as we speak, Pasadena’s top chefs are creating some thrilling new cuisine and printing new menus to coincide with the Wisconsin team’s arrival, including a tantalizing new salmon-and-cheddar dish, some delicious de-caf homogenized milk, grilled cottage-cheese sandwiches and Wolfgang Puck’s new badger-sausage pizza.

Welcome, Wisconsin!

I am a big, big fan of this fine school from the Mid-Coast, and am delighted to have the Badgers representing the Big Ten with their richly deserving football team, the best team ever produced by the state of Wisconsin not coached by a Lombardi. I can’t wait for these guys to visit Disneyland and teach that large mouse a thing or two about cheese.

Like so many others here in California, I have been longing for someone new to invade Pasadena for our happy New Year party. Wisconsin is living proof--the impossible can happen.

I’m not even that amazed.

It’s not like it’s, you know, Minnesota.