Why the Silence About God? : Religion: Parents strive to do their best for their children but often neglect to nurture the soul.

Speaking to a group of 600 children in Dallas last year, I asked, “What would your mother say if you asked her what she thought about God?” A girl in the first row jumped up and waved her hand. Her answer was brief and memorable: “She would say, ‘Ask your father!’ ”

Parents take great pride in being open in discussing the most intimate issues with their children. But when our children broach the most important questions in life--is there a God? Are we alone in the universe? Where do moral rules come from?--we are silent. So many of us left our churches and synagogues long ago with such a sense of dismissiveness that reopening the subject seems impossible. Soon our children learn not to ask.

Yet our excuses are weak. “Everyone has his or her own idea about God,” I am often told--as if that were not true of politics and sex and all the other things we so eagerly discuss with our children. “No one knows for sure” is another favorite dodge. But if parents only talked about what they truly knew, the dinner table would be a quiet place indeed.

Part of the process of influencing children is recovering God as a legitimate subject of adult discussion. An old saying has it that there are three things that we should not discuss in polite company: sex, politics and religion. We certainly don’t follow that advice when it comes to sex and politics. Together, they make up most of our conversation--the politics of the office as well as of the nation. Sexuality, especially in the larger context of relationships, is a constant topic of conversation. The third theme alone is missing.

Studies show that children develop their own ideas of God at an early age. Even if their parents are completely removed from religious life, the imagination of children will not be stayed. The question is not whether our children will think of God, but what they will think--and if we will influence their ideas.

When we communicate embarrassment or distaste to our children, we leave them adrift. Yet there is so much that a simple discussion could give them:

* In a culture acknowledging the importance of self-esteem, why do we not teach our children that they are created in God’s image? Surely nothing could be a greater boon to self-esteem. After all, if one is in the image of God in good times and bad, when we fail as well as when we succeed, then we are always valuable.

* For children who feel alone or frightened or bereft, can there be a greater source of consolation than the thought that the creator of the universe knows you and cares about you?

* For children unsure how to feel about different kinds of people, is there a more stirring assurance than the idea that we are all children of the same eternal parent?

A spiritual connection to God can change a child’s life. We do not have to persuade our children, or ourselves; but parents should not forgo the possibility of raising the central issues of life with children whose eyes and hearts are bursting with amazement at the workings of this world.

Finally, children can awaken our own sense of spirituality. An old Jewish parable tells of father who traveled with his son for many miles. Each time they reached an obstacle, such as a river or mountain, the father lifted his son on his shoulders and carried him through the difficult terrain. Finally they came to their destination--a walled castle. But the gate of the castle was shut and there were only narrow windows on the sides of the wall. The father said to his son: “My son, up until now I have carried you. Now the only way we can reach our destination is if you will climb through the windows and open the gate for me from within.”

So it is with parents and children and God. Parents take care of their children, feed and clothe them, and see them through all sorts of obstacles. Yet parents, who have so many strengths, often find the gate to God closed. But children can climb to places their parents cannot reach. Children can fling open the gates of heaven from within so that they and their parents can reach God together.

While we are ensuring that our children receive the best we can give them in sports and academics, we should not neglect their souls. For their sakes, and for our own, we should reopen the question of God in our family lives.