For Some, Holiday Is a Season of Stress : Abuse: Experts say family visits, drinking and financial pressures of gift-giving can lead to an increase in depression and violent behavior.

For 10 years, Sheila Femyer dreaded decorating the family Christmas tree, a ritual she says was frequently spoiled by one of her husband’s violent outbursts. Often, he would fling the colored lights across the room or hurl a stream of verbal abuse at her and her children.

That’s why Femyer had to force herself to buy a tree this year, even though her husband will never abuse her again. He shot himself to death in April, two weeks after Femyer left a shelter for battered women and moved into a friend’s home.

But the painful memories of their life together still haunt Sheila Femyer.

“During a time that’s supposed to be loving, giving and tearful, it’s depressing and tearful,” Femyer said.

For Femyer and other Orange County women recovering from domestic violence, or for those who still suffer attacks at home, the holiday season can bring anything but the peace and good will expected of the season. The approach of the holidays can trigger a depression that casts a pall over what is supposed to be a season of cheer.

“The holidays make people aware they are not living up to their expectations and hopes for the future,” said Mildred Daley Pagelow, a Cal State Fullerton professor who has written two books on domestic abuse.

Increased alcohol consumption at holiday parties, combined with visits from extended family members and the financial pressures of gift-giving, can lead to an increase in stress and violent behavior, Pagelow said.

“The abuser just feels like things aren’t in his control when he’s not able to provide the gifts, “ she said. “Or even if he is, he feels like unreasonable demands are being made on him.”

For those who grew up in violent households, the holidays are a time of emotional stress, said Shirley Gellatly, community education director for Human Optiojs, a county women’s shelter.

“Their memories of holiday times are of too much drinking and violence in the home,” she said.

Despite a continued stream of phone calls to abuse hot lines, the number of women seeking shelter and support in December actually declines as compared with other months, said Jan Tyler, program director of Human Options. It appears that more women seek help for domestic violence after the holidays are over, she said.

Data from shelters, police departments and courts indicate, however, that domestic violence is a year-round problem with no seasonal pattern.

Shelter volunteers say the effects of domestic violence may be more traumatic at holiday time, when women are trying to create a cheerful atmosphere for themselves or their children, Tyler said.

At Orange County’s three women’s shelters, the phones ring steadily with pleas for support from women trying to cope with abusive relationships, officials say.

“I’ve heard more stories about the tree being knocked over and presents thrown,” Tyler said.

Tyler recalls a story she heard two years ago, of a woman who had just finished making presents for her entire family and was getting ready to mail them when her husband cut each one to pieces with a scissor.

“She was devastated by that,” Tyler said. “It hurt more emotionally than physically.”

Despite the increased stress levels, women try very hard to hold their families together around the holidays, Gellatly said.

Femyer recalled that in past years she went overboard to create a holiday atmosphere to compensate for her husband’s violent outbursts. She baked Christmas cookies and went to every holiday function at her children’s school.

“I went real heavy on the decorations,” Femyer said. “I even had a Christmas shower curtain.”

This year, Femyer, a 30-year-old homemaker, has scaled down her holiday decorating. She bought a smaller tree and decorated it with simple ornaments her children made in school.

She has moved her four children, ages 3, 5, 7 and 8, to a new home. After spending Christmas with friends, they will drive to her family’s home in Phoenix to begin rebuilding ties that were severed during a 10-year marriage that isolated her from most of her relatives, she said.

“Let’s get rid of all the bad memories and make room for happy memories,” Femyer said she tells her children.

But for those who are still in abusive relationships, no amount of effort will stop violent outbreaks and assure a happy Christmas, shelter volunteers say.

“There is nothing you can do,” Gellatly said. “They can explode because you put something on the table in the wrong place.”

While there is no guaranteed way of halting an abusive partner’s violent outbursts, Pagelow recommended common-sense approaches to dealing with the holidays, such as reducing alcohol consumption and explaining to children that they can’t have all the toys they see advertised.

But these are just stopgap measures, Pagelow said. The real solution is to divide power more evenly between husband and wife.

Femyer’s advice to others in her position is to build a support network outside of their homes and leave abusive situations before it’s too late.

“Don’t ignore your inner voice. If your gut feeling is (that the situation is) wrong, don’t let anyone overrule that,” she said.