Multicultural Manners : Use Formal Name to Show Respect

A delightful encounter takes place in an ethnic food shop when Sandy, an American in her 20s, meets an older couple from India, Mr. and Mrs. Rao. They have such a good time that the Raos invite Sandy to their home for supper. Soon after her arrival, Sandy goes into the kitchen to chat with her hostess as Mrs. Rao puts the finishing touches on the food. The mood is relaxed and congenial so Sandy asks, “By the way, what’s your name, Mrs. Rao?”

Coolly, the hostess answers, “Mrs. Rao.”

The tone and response stun Sandy. She falls silent, feeling rebuffed. She can hardly wait for the visit to end.

What went wrong?

Americans pride themselves on their friendliness and informality, but people from Asia and most other places in the world do not see this as a virtue. Instead, informality often equals disrespect. Mrs. Rao believed that Sandy was impertinent. Because Sandy was younger, she should not have taken liberties by wanting to call the older woman by her first name. Even when they are well acquainted, young people must show their respect by addressing older persons as “aunt” or “uncle.” This tradition is popular in Europe, Asia, the Middle East, West Africa and is still observed by many African Americans.

Rule: People from most other cultures believe it is disrespectful to address older persons by their first names.