PERSPECTIVE ON SELF-RESPECT : Rejection Is the Servant of AIDS : For young gays, family and community support can make the difference between life and death.

I want to tell everybody who has young people in their lives--parents, aunts and uncles, neighbors or just members of the community--that some of these young people are gay, and some are struggling, alone, to come to terms with their sexual orientation. I want everybody to know that they can help to create a climate of tolerance, acceptance, love and support for these kids, so that they care enough about themselves, think highly enough of themselves, to want to stay healthy and live fulfilling, responsible lives.

I want to tell what it was like for me growing up, coming to terms with being gay, and how HIV entered and influenced my life. I think the difficulties I had in developing a positive self-concept are still problems for many young gay people. And I think it is these problems that cause many young gay men to behave in ways that put them at high risk for becoming infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS.

Ever since early childhood I knew there was something different about me, but it had never been clear to me how I was different.

About the age of 15, in 1962, when I was in 10th grade, I began to be aware that I was sexually attracted to other males. No one “recruited” me, no one abused me. These feelings came from deep inside me.

I come from a good family, went to good schools and lived in good neighborhoods. I was popular in school, made good grades and was active in the church. I wanted to become a Presbyterian minister.

In spite of all these advantages and connections, as I began to be aware of my sexual orientation, I was completely alone. I had no role models, no positive images of gay men, no social support as a gay male, no one to turn to. I couldn’t tell my family--it was just too horrible, too unacceptable, unspeakable. I couldn’t tell my friends--the worst thing you could possibly be was queer. I couldn’t tell my teachers or my pastor. The only place I saw to turn to was medicine. I read in a church guidance counselor’s office that homosexuality could be cured, like a disease.

I spent the next 12 years in and out of therapy, trying to erase, to hide this important part of myself from others and, most of all, from myself.

The climate of prejudice and ignorance about gay people that I grew up in interfered with my life and slowed my development as a self-respecting, responsible, contributing member of society. It caused me to grow up doubting myself, feeling ashamed and frightened of my deepest feelings. How was I to find my calling in life--my career, work to give my heart and soul to, a direction for my life--how was I to find what really mattered to me when there was such a deep and significant part of me that I was trying to ignore, to deny, to hide, to kill?

Accepting my sexual orientation at the age of 27 was a great awakening, like being born--finally accepting my feelings, my self, turning a light on inside and no longer running away from what I saw there. It took many more years for me to overcome the self-hatred and self-doubt I had learned and to develop a healthy sense of who I was and what I wanted to do with my life.

During those early years of my gay life, sex was for me a means of validation, of endorsement. I needed frequent assurance that people liked me and valued me, because I had so little self-esteem, so little self-respect. It took me a long time to understand my insecurity, to overcome it and to establish a committed monogamous relationship based on mutual understanding, respect and affection.

But by that time, I had become infected with HIV.

I hope that by talking and writing about my experience with HIV, I can help young gay people learn the things that took me so long to learn; I want them to learn these things earlier than I did--in time to protect them from HIV. I don’t want them to waste their time and energy hiding from themselves; I want them to come to terms with their lives earlier than I did, to develop a healthy sense of self-respect and a sense of responsibility to themselves and to the community. I want them to find work that they are passionate about, that they are able to respond to with all their resources.

Our youth need positive images--images of gay people who are in committed relationships, who are responsible members of the community, images that promote healthy and responsible choices by gay youth. The period when they are beginning to become aware of their sexual orientation is when they are most vulnerable, most in danger of falling prey to the climate of intolerance toward gay people, most in danger of becoming isolated, most in danger of developing low self-esteem, which leads to self-destructive behaviors--alcohol and drug abuse and suicide. And to unsafe sex, which puts them at risk for all sexually transmitted diseases and particularly HIV.

We need to tell all our young people, gay or not, that they should wait to have sex until they really know who they are and have a healthy sense of self-respect, to wait until they are ready to commit to someone they really know, care about and respect--someone who really knows them, respects and cares about them.

If you have created a negative attitude toward homosexuality as a parent, relative, friend, teacher, pastor or neighbor, it may be too late to change that by the time you find out that your child is gay or lesbian. By then you may have done that child great harm. We must let children know at an early age that their sexuality is a beautiful part of their lives and that it is to be valued and protected and respected. We must let them know that if they turn out to be gay or lesbian, they will still have our love and respect and we will still be there for them, and that we want them to feel a part of the family and the community. I think the way we do this is to let young people know by our behavior and our attitudes that there are gays and lesbians who are respectable members of the community. We have to show young people by our behavior toward gays and lesbians in general that whether a person is good or bad, responsible or irresponsible does not depend on his or her sexual orientation any more than it does on his or her race, religion or gender.