The Perils of Pumping : Jogging is out for fear of dogs, Jazzercise for fear of perkiness, a personal trainer for fear of poverty. What to do?

January. The feasting is over. Time to return to the gym. Recently, there have been stories in the news that made me think I needn’t go to my aerobics class, but I soon saw the errors in my reasoning.

In October, a UCLA researcher reported that a special skin cream seemed to reduce the size of women’s thighs--in only five weeks. At first I thought, why exercise any more? I’ll just munch caramel corn and wait for the product to be available. But then I realized if there were a fat-dissolving cream that worked, every woman would use it. All women’s thighs would shrink proportionally, and I would be no better off than before. There would simply be a new, stricter, standard of thigh size.

In November, the tabloids ran secretly snapped photos of Princess Diana working out at a London fitness club. Though she looked pretty good, the postures Her Royal Thighness was caught in were not designed to accentuate a woman’s best features. Here was another reason to avoid the gym. Someone might take sneak shots of my grubby sneakers, crop shots of my cropped top. Unlike Di, I do not pump iron in full makeup with perfectly arranged hair and sporting Gilda Marx’s latest creation. I went to class, but I was wary and didn’t wear my thong leotard. As we lay on our mats doing abdominal lifts, I anxiously searched the ceiling for hidden cameras. For a moment I thought I spied a lens; it turned out to be a cola can a kid had tossed into the rafters. One more excuse gone.

Finally, in December, studies published in medical journals confirmed that sudden vigorous exercise can be dangerous to inactive people. According to one study, exercising less often than once a week means you’re 107 times more likely to have a heart attack during exertion than at rest. If you exercise five or more times a week, you’re only twice as likely to suffer an attack during strenuous activity. Statistics such as these make some people frightened of getting physical. How do you collect your courage to go to the gym for the first time so that you can work up to the still perilous five times a week? What these articles don’t emphasize enough is that even with its risks, exercise reduces your overall chance of cardiovascular disease.

Forget the dream cream. Forget Thigh-Di. Don’t dwell on alarming reports about risk. Seek out a regimen you like and start slowly.

It took me awhile to find the right program. Jogging was out because I’m afraid of dogs. Jazzercise was out because I’m afraid of perkiness. A personal trainer was out because I’m afraid of poverty. I discovered that I didn’t like exercise machines when I had no success with devices hawked on TV by Hollywood hard-bodies. Dust is collecting on Suzanne Somers’ Thighmaster ($19.95), Cheryl Ladd’s Body Slide ($49.95) and Vanna White’s Easy Glider ($59.95, unassembled). I won’t be rushing out to purchase the Cybex Leg Press ($6,999.95) used by the princess.

Since I’m no good with gadgets, I don’t own a VCR and thus couldn’t sample any exercise videos. I did take a crack at several workout plans I tore out of magazines but was confused by the directions: “Make sure your thighs don’t pass below your knees which shouldn’t go out farther than your feet to the side.” Makes the Kama Sutra sound simple.

After my home attempts failed, I decided on classes. I figured the routines would be easy and wouldn’t require special knowledge. But at one health spa, the teacher yelled, “Let’s do the linebacker shuffle . . . let’s try 50 slam-dunk squats.” Heck, if I knew how to play baseball, I wouldn’t need to take the class.

I eventually found the perfect program for me at my local YMCA. The class meets every weekday morning for an hour or so. There are no mirrors. The instructors are inspiring and their workouts are safe, thorough, effective and varied. One day we do low-impact aerobics, the next day a step routine. Sometimes we use weights or resistance bands. Occasionally we go for a walk. Now and then we have breakfast together and consume more calories than we’ve just burned. But we stick with it, making up in consistency what we lack in intensity. We work at different paces but we all work, and our joint efforts have created new friendships. Both the suffering and the laughter forge a sense of community.

It’s not easy to find an enjoyable fitness program that’s right for your age, your body, your personality. But it’s worth the effort for a healthier, happier 1994.