A new definition of “To Protect and...

A new definition of “To Protect and to Serve”: Joyce Foxworth was gridlocked on San Fernando Road, trying to make it back to her Lake Elizabeth home in north L.A. County, when a Los Angeles police car cruised up. Using a speaker, one officer asked: “Does anybody need to go to the bathroom? We will take you to the bathroom and we will return you to your car.” Foxworth said some grateful motorists agreed to be taken into temporary custody.

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More premonitions that escaped notice: We noted the other day that the “Jeopardy” desk calendar contains the answer, “All fall down,” for its Jan. 17 quiz question. Ricardo Ordonez sent us the page from the same day of “The Far Side” calendar, whose caption is “Henry never knew what hit him.”

Henry was hit by a UFO, which is one disaster L.A. hasn’t experienced--yet.

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More Nostradami: Jeff Bellam, meanwhile, received a U.S. Postal Service flier, which had a headline that said, “We’re all shook up . . . “ It was for the Elvis stamp.

And then there’s Pepsi’s pre-quake ad campaign, “Fill the Fridge--Because Nobody Wants to Run Out.”

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Poodle skirt panic: Lee Brubaker was dining at Ed Debevic’s, the 1950s-style diner in Beverly Hills, when one of the big aftershocks struck. A waitress, wearing period garb, yelled: “God, I don’t wanna die dressed this way!”

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Timely jolt: The pendulum clock on the wall of Mac McKean’s townhouse in Ventura stopped at 4:31 a.m. the other day (you know which one). “He didn’t try to reset it,” said his son, Patrick, because he knew there’d be more aftershocks.” He was correct, of course. And, following another tremor about 12 hours later, the clock started running again.

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Well it would be a sure-fire way to solve L.A.’s traffic congestion: Ken Brock said he heard more than one TV newsman mistakenly refer to L.A.’s “dawn to dusk” curfew.

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A new definition of taking a dip: Some Santa Claritans have been sharing their swimming pools with residents who don’t have such plunges. The neighbors were invited to dip in with trash cans and use the water to flush their toilets.

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We didn’t get the magnitude measure: Ted Rogers, who was the best man at the wedding of Tim Rutt and Ruth Stiver in Pasadena last weekend, got a call from the couple Monday night. “I know the earth is supposed to move on your honeymoon,” the new hubby apologized. “But I didn’t think it would do this much damage.”

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Especially if you don’t mind a little shaking: Maury Hannigan, the CHP commissioner, issued a post-quake press release that informed out-of-staters “when you consider the weather most of the country is experiencing, California sunshine can definitely be a great change of pace for those who are tired of ice and snow.”

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Florida is preparing for some jolts of its own--the daily doings of the Loni Anderson-Burt Reynolds divorce, which goes to court next week. Phil Bunton, editorial director of the Boca Raton-based tabloid Globe, enthused: “It’s as big as the earthquake for us.”