Comment : ‘I Love You’ Is Not Just for Valentine’s Day

I was a child of the ‘60s. I wore flowers in my hair, flashed the peace sign to strangers, and believed, along with the Beatles, that all we needed to make our world a better place was love. I had no interest in social policies, reform of the judicial system, or responsibility of the media. I was 19 and certain that if everyone just hugged more and expressed their feelings of love to one another, everything would be “groovy.”

This truth seemed so self-evident to me and my contemporaries, and I felt sad for those “straight” adults, those members of the Establishment, who were so caught up in the system that they couldn’t see the light.

That was back in 1969. Now, 25 years later, I have become part of the Establishment I used to discount. I no longer see things with the black and white vision of youth but colored with shades of often confusing grays. And I have learned enough to know that there are many areas of our government and it’s programs that desperately need reform. Much about what I used to believe back in the ‘60s has changed, except for one thing: I still believe that what we need is more love.

As strange as it may sound, we have become a society that does not know how to love. We do not know how to love our ill or disadvantaged; we mourn the unfortunate deaths of strangers killed in a train wreck or natural disaster, yet ignore the tens of thousands who have been dying painfully and often alone of AIDS. We aren’t even sure how to love ourselves. There are times, however, when, for just a moment, we open our hearts and share the best of ourselves. Last year’s Midwest floods, the kidnaping of Polly Klass, the California fires, and, most recently, the earthquake--these tragedies witnessed tremendous acts of human kindness, compassion and courage. Three weeks ago I stood trembling outside my house. Neighbors in bathrobes offered one another food, comfort and extra batteries; it reminded me of Woodstock. For a few days, we of so many races and dialects in Los Angeles were one family. And then the intensity of the crisis was over. And the love went away.

Why does it take tragedy to bring us back to love? Why do we need nature’s close calls to make us realize how much we love our mates, our children, our friends? Why do we forget to love until it is too late? How much pain and destruction will it take for us to remember?

Each year on Feb. 14, Americans spend tens of millions of dollars on Valentine cards, candy and flowers in an attempt to show the feelings and say the words we should be expressing every day. It’s sad that more “I love you’s” are shared on that day than during any other day of the year. Each day should be a celebration of the love we are blessed to have in our life.

Loving more is not as difficult as we think. I have a simple “formula” that’s easy to remember. It’s called the Three A’s: Attention, Affection, Appreciation. Pay attention to the people you love; give them affection and express your appreciation.

Paying attention means spending even a few minutes a day with your partner or children when you aren’t focused on anything else but finding out what they need and giving it to them. It means asking “How are you?” and really listening to the answer. It means asking “How can I love you more?” and acting on what they tell you. Giving affection means more hugs and holding, not just for hellos and good-byes and Saturday nights when the kids are asleep, but for no other reason than to show your love. And expressing appreciation means telling your children and your employees what they did right, not just what they did wrong. It means telling your partner why you love her or him. It means saying “I need you,” and sharing why.

So on this Valentine’s Day, my wish is that we love more. I don’t believe, as I did in 1969, that all we need it love. Love may not be the only answer, but it’s a big part of it.