COMMITMENTS : A Case of Dueling Perceptions : CAN THIS MARRIAGE BE SAVED?
Kathy, 20, and Dave, 29, have been married just more than a year, but Kathy is distraught: Dave, a police officer, clearly cares more for his buddies on the force than he does for her.
“Why does he go drinking every night with the same guys he’s with all day?” she wants to know.
She’s especially upset that he wastes so much money buying rounds of drinks for everyone.
“Our dream of buying a home and raising a family is disappearing as fast as his paycheck,” she insists. Most of all, she’s terrified that her husband, although very different from her abusive, falling-down-drunk father, is nevertheless becoming an alcoholic.
“He doesn’t realize it, but he’s always the first one to get drunk at a party. And the last few parties we went to, he got so drunk he had a whopping hangover the next morning.”
Dave sees things very differently.
“Kathy wants a fairy tale,” he insists. “The house with the white picket fence and roses, the babies in the playpen--and the husband who runs behind her like a puppy.”
He deeply resents her efforts to mold him into the perfect spouse and is baffled by her inability to appreciate how important his friendships are. “These guys would die for me,” he says, “and I feel the same way about them.”
Most of all, Dave deplores her accusation that he is an alcoholic. Being a police officer is fraught with tension, he explains, and just because he has a few drinks to calm himself doesn’t mean a thing.
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“While this couple has several problems that need to be addressed, before they can be, Dave must realize and accept the fact that he is using drinking as a crutch,” says Carl P. Doeing, president of Consultants for Personal and Organizational Development in Albuquerque, N.M.
Dave is an episodic drinker, Doeing says. He uses drinking to cope with the high stress of his job and to deny some real problems in his life. Kathy, the child of an alcoholic parent, is understandably frightened and concerned about her husband’s drinking; she’s right to call his attention to it.
Like Dave, many people don’t know how to judge how much is too much. If you feel this way, consider these questions honestly:
* Do you think that every social event requires drinking--indeed, that the party isn’t much of a party unless you can get drunk?
* Are you drinking more now, and stronger drinks, than you used to?
* Do you feel sorry or guilty about your drinking?
* Does alcohol give you the boost of courage or energy you need to get going? Some people find themselves unable to do something they have to do unless they have a few drinks first.
* Have friends or family members ever spoken to you with concern about your drinking?
* Do you insist to everyone, including yourself, that you are in control of your drinking?
The hardest step in overcoming an addiction is breaking through your own denial or a partner’s. Once you can face the problem, you can reach out for help. You can talk to a clergyman, a doctor or a therapist who is specially trained and knowledgeable about substance abuse. Or you can join one of the many self-help programs, such as Alcoholics Anonymous, or investigate in-patient treatment programs at a hospital, which is what Dave ultimately did.
Kathy found help and support in Al-Anon, the group for family members of alcoholics. After spending a month in a hospital treatment program, Dave returned home, and he and Kathy believe that they have a new lease on their marriage. He is spending less time with his friends, more time with her, and they’re beginning to plan for the future.
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By the editors of Ladies’ Home Journal