COMMITMENTS : ‘We Have Nothing in Common Anymore’

“Everyone told me I was crazy to get involved with Greg,” says Donna, 25, who works in a real estate office. She can’t believe her marriage of three years to Greg, 29, a photographer, might be over.

The two met and fell in love in college. “I fell head over heels for this sexy, exciting man who seemed to have a vision of what he wanted out of life,” Donna says. “Even though my friends warned me about him, I guess I overlooked a lot of things because we had so much in common.”

But now there are just too many things to overlook--the fact that he works late at his studio and never calls, that he still hangs out with a wild crowd of friends Donna feels uncomfortable around, but, most importantly, that he never seems to want to talk about putting down roots. “Anytime I talk about saving money or having a family, his face goes blank and he tunes me out,” Donna says.

They’ve been fighting constantly, and the fights get ugly. “How dare he say he can’t live with me anymore! He’s the one who’s so irresponsible,” Donna says. “Still, I know that deep down he must love me. I want to try to work this out.”

Greg isn’t so optimistic. He’s tired of defending himself, his work schedule and his friends. “I think we’re just very different types of people,” Greg says. “I fell in love with a long-haired, free-spirited co-ed.”

But now, he says, Donna has become conservative to the point of being rigid, stubborn and, even worse, a nag. Worried about his work--he recently began free-lancing--Greg says he often thinks about calling home, “but even when I call, I get the standard lecture. She treats me like a 2-year-old.”

Greg recoils at Donna’s tongue-lashings--it reminds him too much of the way his mother talked to him. “How can she think about starting a family,” he wonders, “when we have nothing in common anymore?”

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“Like many young couples who fell in love as students and married soon after, Donna and Greg continued to relate to each other as they did when they were younger,” says Rita Meed, a licensed clinical psychologist and marriage counselor in New York City. Under the misguided notion that since they were in love, nothing else mattered, they had never articulated their personal goals or learned to negotiate areas of disagreement without being hurtful, as Donna was, or tuning the other out, as Greg did.

It’s never too late for couples to renew their commitment to marriage. If you and your spouse have forgotten what attracted you to each other in the first place, or if your early feelings of connectedness have been buried beneath years of arguments, this three-part exercise will help you reconnect.

First, on separate sheets of paper, write down three things that initially attracted you to your mate. Share your lists and then refer to them frequently.

Now, make a second list of your short- and long-term goals for your marriage. Donna’s short-term goal might be for Greg to call her if he will be late; Greg might note that he wishes Donna would stop haranguing him. Most likely you will find that your long-term goals are similar. Use this as the basis for your new marriage contract.

Finally, on a third sheet of paper, write down your commitment to make your marriage a priority. Both of you should sign this and put it away. Now, you can redirect your energies to other problems, safe in the knowledge that you are loved and your marriage is strong.