LAUGH LINES

Jay Leno on why the woman who says she will sue President Clinton for sex harassment while he was governor in 1991 didn’t come forward sooner:

The woman said: “Well, the line was so long.”

Leno on the announcement that the Rolling Stones are going back on tour:

“I don’t know if they are getting old, but . . . their opening act is Victor Borge.”

*

After Burt Reynolds collapsed on the set of “Evening Shade,” tests showed nothing conclusive. The Gags Gang at Funny Stuff newsletter reports that doctors did find that his blood count and net worth were both dangerously low. Loni Anderson rushed to the hospital to comfort Burt . . . and to make sure that his wallet was on life-support systems.

*

Overheard: Asked by Mark and Brian (KLOS) what he’s been up to, comic Wil Shriner replied:

“I’ve been busier than a Jackson Family attorney. . . . I’m working hard on a documentary, ‘Dick Cavett: The Turtleneck Years.’ ”

*

Will Dan Quayle hype his book, “Standing Firm,” on the late-night shows that frequently ridiculed his gaffes? Comedy writer Tony Peyser guesses that Quayle won’t do Letermen, but may do Lenoe.

Late bulletin: Peyser reports that the government will make any reviewer panning “Getting Gotti,” the TV movie about Mafia chieftain John Gotti, eligible for placement in the Critic Relocation Program.

*

Believe it or not!

* The expression, “Don’t ever embarrass me in public like that again,” appears three times in the Bible.

* If the inventor of the wheel had patented it, he would today be worth more than $960 billion.

--Mark Miller

*

Cigarette companies believe that smoking is not addictive. They also believe that women really do want to hear all about your job on the first date.

--Comedy Central

*

Amy Omlor of Rancho Cucamonga says her family recently hosted a teen-age foreign exchange student for a year. Wanting him to feel like one of the family and to fully experience life in America, they assigned him a share of the household chores.

“One day I asked him to sweep off the driveway, and he told me that he was too tired from his schoolwork. So I asked him, ‘What are you going to do when you have a job and a house to keep up?’

“He replied: ‘I’m going to get me a foreign exchange student.’ ”

*

Coming Monday: LL readers’ tribute to Dave!