DEFINING MOMS

Five years ago, Diane Venora had just won a New York Film Critics award for her role in Clint Eastwood’s “Bird.” Then her young daughter told her she was tired of the nomadic life and single mom Venora called it quits.

Early this year she won the role of Ed Asner’s daughter on ABC’s hit new series “Thunder Alley.” The character is a single mother, so small wonder Venora plays her so convincingly.

It’s not that you have to be a mom to play one on TV, but the personal experience helps bring some reality into an arena that favors exposing problems--and solving them--in 22 minutes. And reality seems to be what today’s television mothers are seeking to portray.

In contrast, one looks back at Harriet and Donna and their compatriots with genuine warmth. The cozy picture of motherhood they painted probably never really existed, except on television. We grew up with role models whose idea of juggling was carrying the apple pie and the hot chocolate at the same time.

But as we hit Mother’s Day ‘94, we have Grace and Roseanne and Thea and their compatriots, who are not merely the supporters but the life supports of many a TV family. Even those who are mainly there to bolster the leading man (“Home Improvement,” “Dave’s World,” “The Commish,” “Evening Shade”) are usually their own women, often working outside the home, talking back to their husbands and scolding the kids in a way those ‘50s and ‘60s moms would not have dared.

“We were certainly hemmed in by constraints of the times,” says Florence Henderson, who played the mother on “The Brady Bunch” and is now the grandmother on CBS’ “Dave’s World.” “But you know, at the core, I think the mothers were not all that different. Nowadays they’re just able to say more wisecracks. I feel even mothers like Roseanne love and care about their children as much as Carol Brady did.”

While Henderson admits that even she wondered what Mrs. Brady did all day, she says there was little doubt she was the glue that held the family together. It’s a thought echoed by June Lockhart, who played the mother on “Lassie.” “Sure, moms are different today on TV,” she says, “but Lassie’s mother also had a good spine. She really ran that farm. She was driving the truck and getting the kids to school. The father couldn’t make a bean crop come in.”

While the shows on which they appeared were hardly the stuff of real life, almost all the current TV moms see their roles as more than just reel stuff.

“Diane is a woman of the ‘90s and what makes her funny is that she is real,” says Judith Light of the single mom of three kids whom she portrays on ABC’s “Phenom.” “She’s trying to find out how to mother and father, make ends meet, and keep a job.”

Tina Lifford, who portrays single mother Joan Mosely on Fox’s “South Central,” acknowledges that hers is a mother many can identify with. Her portrayal is getting some controversial reactions--that it’s too real, a cliche, in fact--but she also hears from many women grateful to see their reflection on television.

To Lifford, what makes her character tick is not unique to the show’s locale. “The heart of a South Central mom is like any other mother’s heart,” says the actress. “It is filled with endless joy and sadness, courage and fear. And it’s bound with hope for a better tomorrow for her kids.”

Light, who has no children of her own, compares her “Phenom” mother not only to the ‘50s counterparts but also to the parent she played on the ‘80s series “Who’s the Boss?” “That was about fantasy, about a woman who had everything, including a man to fill in the gaps on things she didn’t do well,” she says. “The role reversal made it funny. But this one is about a woman finding her way.”

Theresa Saldana (the mother of a young daughter) plays the wife of “The Commish” on the ABC drama series and the mother of a teen-age son and baby daughter. “Even in the cop format, they repeatedly go back to the domestic front where Rachel is facing a lot of issues women today face,” she says. When the character gave birth last year, the producers kept her home with the baby (she’d been a teacher) until both actress and character screamed out. “I didn’t feel fulfilled as an actress,” Saldana says, “and Rachel wasn’t feeling very excited about her life either.” She’s back on the job now.

Venora is fighting to sneak some of the reality into “Thunder Alley” that she has known on her homefront. “Bobbie is working hard to make a home for the kids while trying to understand her relationship with her own father,” says the actress. “This show doesn’t want to gloss things over.”

Kathy Baker’s mother-wife-doctor on CBS’ “Picket Fences” manages to be compellingly true to life even amid some often surreal goings-on. And one of the most honest shows on the air, NBC’s “Sisters,” has dealt with just about all facets of motherhood. A recent story line dealt with “perfect sister and mom” Georgie ending up close to suicide when her son is taken from home for some tough love.

“We’ve tried to show that you don’t have to be a bad mother to have a troubled kid,” says Ronald Cowen, one of the show’s creators. “Sisters” has featured surrogate mothers, immature mothers and yuppie mothers who felt trapped with baby at home.

What today’s TV moms like best of all is being allowed to show the inner turmoil that comes with trying to hold it all together. The result, ultimately, is creating characters that are more sympathetic and easy to relate to. “I love playing motherhood not as a namby-pamby but how it really is: the push and pull, the stresses and strains,” Saldana says. “I get incredible responses from mothers who say they love that Rachel is strong but not picture-perfect.”

Even “Murphy Brown” has become a much-less-than-model mom, though audiences clearly prefer seeing her in the workplace. One mother whom audiences seem to like a lot is is Beth on “Dave’s World,” a mostly Angst -free mother, wife and teacher.

“Beth just understands you’re not going to get it right 100% of the time,” says DeLane Matthews, the actress who plays her. I think she’s a good role model and I’d surely like to emulate her.” (Matthews herself is not a mom.)

If she has one complaint, the actress says, she wishes her producers didn’t make her quite so easy to relate to. “Well, I would like to see her wear better clothes,” she says laughing, “but my employers are very careful about making you aware of what Beth is saying rather than how she looks saying it.”

While one would hardly call Marge Simpson a role model, even she strikes a chord with many viewers. “We show a very imperfect mother in Marge,” says “The Simpsons” executive producer David Mirkin, “but she’s also infinitely patient and hopeful. A lot of women relate to how put-upon she is. And if she errs, it’s on the side of weakness and being too nice.”

One who does not show weakness toward the kids is Thea Vidale of ABC’s “Thea.” (She has four kids both in real life and on the show.) “What people like about me is I’m not phony,” says the actress. “And while other shows have kids tolerating their parents, I say, ‘You’re not going to tolerate me, you’re going to respect me.’ ”

Audiences seem to respond positively to seeing parents exercise authority. “I remember one scene when I was disciplining the kids about something,” says Venora, “and I was shocked when the (live) audiences started applauding” during filming.

The mothers of “South Central,” “Grace Under Fire,” and “Roseanne”--not to mention Peg Bundy of “Married ... With Children” are others who feel no compunction about letting their families know who’s in charge. “We wanted to celebrate all those mothers out there who don’t just survive, but prevail,” says Caryn Mandabach, president of the company that produces “Roseanne” and “Grace Under Fire.”

Henderson admits she wishes some of that prevailing sentiment could have seeped into “The Brady Bunch.” “I’d say Carol was an accurate reflection of those television times, but even I found her hard to relate to,” Henderson says. “In my own life I was raising four children who would often say to me, ‘Why don’t you ever scream at those kids?’ ”

Still, the moms of then and the moms of now say they are about glorifying the ultimate benefits of motherhood. Daphne Maxwell Reid’s aunt-mom character on “Fresh Prince of Bel-Air” recently had a baby and has not returned to work, and that’s OK with both character and actress.

“I think it’s just as important to raise a kid early,” says Reid, who has a grown son in real life, “and that it’s a real job to help a person grow up with a good self-image and eventually become independent.”