A Shorts Story About Top-Drawer Inspector No. 122

I recently had a brief encounter with a woman who really got into my underwear. Needless to say, she was a pretty hot number.

No. 122, to be exact.

The whole scandalous affair began one weekday morning when I went to a local department store to buy a value pack of Hanes men’s briefs, which, as the discriminating consumer no doubt knows, are made of “100% cotton preshrunk fabric” and are “unconditionally guaranteed.”

In man’s never-ending battle against wedgies, this is very important.

So I bought the underwear and, being rather modest by nature, waited until I got home to try it on.

When I opened the pack, however, I noticed a small piece of paper on which was printed the following information: “This garment inspected by 122.”

My first thought was: Why don’t I take off my pants before I try on my new underwear?

Then I wondered: Who is Inspector No. 122?

Immediately I recalled the famous Inspector No. 12, the feisty, grandmotherly, no-nonsense woman in the old Hanes television commercials who, like a master drill sergeant, would hold up a pair of men’s briefs and bark: “They don’t say Hanes until I say they say Hanes!”

But that was so long ago I was sure Inspector No. 12 had either retired or gone to that big laundry basket in the sky.

Then I imagined a younger woman--dark, mysterious, sultry--running her fingers through my briefs and purring: “These are disgusting.”

In an effort to learn the true identity of Inspector No. 122, I called Hanes at its corporate headquarters in Winston-Salem, N.C. The first thing I found out is that Hanes is owned by Sara Lee. I just hope the pastry and panty divisions don’t get their buns mixed up.

Anyway, I spoke with a very nice woman named Sherry Hauber, who is executive secretary to both Paul Snyder, vice president and general manager for male underwear, and Carol Mabe, vice president and general manager of Hanes Her Way panties.

“I’m definitely into drawers, one way or another,” Sherry said.

She then connected me to Mr. Snyder, who promised to go undercover (he said it, not me) to track down Inspector No. 122.

A short time later, I knew her name: Diane Peoples.

“Was that your underwear I inspected?” she asked when I reached her at the Hanes Distribution Center in Davie County, N.C.

“Size 34,” I told her. “You did a real nice job.”

This is nothing new for Peoples, a 14-year Hanes veteran who understandably takes great pride in her work.

“I don’t think I ever said when I was a little girl, ‘I want to be an underwear inspector when I grow up,’ but I do view it as a big responsibility,” she said.

What does Peoples look for during her careful inspections, or “spot checks,” of men’s underwear?

“Pretty much the same things you would look for, only closer,” she said.

“I often get out a tape measure to check width, length and the size of the leg holes,” Peoples said, adding that properly attached waistbands and comfortably snug leg holes are what help prevent wedgies.

“That’s the bottom line,” I said.

“Please, no cracks,” she replied dryly. “I’ve heard all the underwear jokes.”

Even so, she said that her main mission as Inspector No. 122 is to make sure everyone is fully covered.

“I myself appreciate it,” said Peoples, who, as you might expect, wears Hanes Her Way panties.

I wouldn’t know anything about that, of course, but my wife would. When I told her that another woman--a married woman, no less--had gone through my briefs, my wife shrugged and said: “I hope she had a good time.”

Then she told me to get my dirty underwear off the floor. Talk about getting caught with your pants down.