LAUGH LINES
Jay Leno, correcting a previous story that said men burn 250 calories while making love:
“The man actually uses only 10 calories during sex. He uses the other 240 calories bragging about it to all of his friends.”
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This must be a popular joke. Several readers have sent in a variation of it:
A novice parachutist jumps from the plane and pulls the release cord. When nothing happens, he pulls it again. Dropping rapidly toward the ground, he looks down and sees a man from the ground hurtling toward him.
“My savior,” the parachutist yells. “Do you know anything about parachutes.”
“No,” comes the reply. “Do you know anything about gas stoves?” *
Short takes: Comic Gay Goodenough wonders: “Why are there so many women with fake fingernails, fake eyelashes and fake boobs complaining that there are no real men?”
Argus Hamilton on Clinton’s Supreme Court nominee, Judge Stephen G. Breyer: “He’s called an absolute ‘centrist’ on the bench. That means in Roe vs. Wade, he’d vote for versus .”
Reader Bob DeVinney of Pomona claims that when his nephew applied for a job, the prospective employers asked if he could be bonded: “OK,” replied the young man, “but no whips.”
Comedian Craig Shoemaker recalls the follies of most everyone’s collective youth: “Mom always said, ‘Wear clean underwear in case you’re in an accident.’ How good is that advice? If I see a car bearing down on me, how clean is my underwear gonna be?”
Comic Sib Ventress finds incredible the news that Frank Sinatra is using a TelePrompTer in concert because he has trouble remembering lyrics: “That means people are now spending a couple hundred bucks a ticket to watch a 78-year-old man sing karaoke.”
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Did you hear about the guy who left his family in Rhode Island 10 years ago and never sent a penny in child support? He recently returned to try to collect half of the $350,000 insurance money his estranged wife received when their daughter died in a car accident. Writer Tony Peyser says the guy’s picture will appear next year in the American Heritage Dictionary as the first definition of the word “gall.”
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When reader Mel Smith of Los Angeles recently called his granddaughter, Nicole, to wish her a happy eighth birthday, he asked her how it felt not to be 7 any longer.
She replied: “There’s not much different, except I’m starting to forget things.”