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COMMITMENTS : If You Have to Fight, Remember the Rules

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By the Editors of Ladies' Home Journal

“My husband and I have totally different ideas about how to discipline kids, and because of this, our life is chaos and nonstop battling,” says Ann, 38.

“I’m trying to do it all, and I’m doing a lousy job. But it would be nice if my husband gave me some support. Instead, we wind up yelling and screaming in front of the children. That only makes things worse.”

Ann can’t help wondering if the fact that she’s working full time, even though it’s a job she loves, is making her problems worse. Not that she has any choice--her husband of nine years, Tom, lost his job in companywide layoffs six months ago, and he’s having trouble finding a comparable position.

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But discipline is the trigger for their daily fights. Mornings and bedtimes are excruciating, she says: “The kids fight with each other and they fight with me. Janie, the 5-year-old, is fresh and insists on having the last word. And Tommy Jr., who’s 4, is acting up in preschool.”

Ann says Tom thinks the kids need a good spanking, but she doesn’t believe in that and prefers to talk things out with her children. Tom’s methods sound like boot camp to her. Drained from juggling her many roles, Ann finds her mood swinging from frustration to despair, and by the time she gets into bed she says she’s “wound up like a corkscrew. This is not the kind of marriage I want to have.”

Tom, also 38, feels the same way. He’s convinced that Ann spoils the kids by giving them far too many options. “You don’t ask children what kind of cereal they want for breakfast,” he says, “you tell them.”

Ann complains that she wants his help, but she doesn’t mean it, he says: “Ann always thinks she can do everything better than anyone else.”

“How to reconcile different styles of discipline is a common problem for many couples,” says Antoinette Saunders, a clinical psychologist in Evanston, Ill. But before couples like Ann and Tom can negotiate compromises and calmly discuss strategies, they have to get a handle on their fighting.

Every couple has heard the admonishments about arguing in front of their children and the critical need to present a united front at all times. But no two partners are carbon copies of each other. Disagreements are bound to arise and, when they do, it’s crucial to remember that it’s not whether you fight but how you handle the fight that’s important. In fact, it can teach your children a valuable lesson about expressing feelings and resolving differences.

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If you and your husband find yourselves arguing in front of your children, try to keep the following rules in mind:

* Avoid name-calling, insults and sarcasm.

* Try not to lapse into angry silences. Emotional distances can be scarier for kids than outright fighting because they just don’t understand them.

* When you’re really furious, agree to disagree; call a timeout when tempers get too hot to handle.

* Don’t threaten to leave or get a divorce. In the heat of anger we often say things we don’t mean, but children don’t know that.

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