COMMITMENTS : The New Protocol : Gay couples who want to get married face the same dilemmas that confront anyone whoplans a wedding. And then some.

George Ziemer and David Bruner of Burbank weren’t sure what the reaction would be when they tried to register at a Southern California department store. “The woman was polite but clearly uncomfortable,” Ziemer said.

“But then she told us we weren’t the first same-sex couple to register there,” Bruner added. “The biggest problem turned out to be that the computer program was set up so one of us had to be the bride and the other the groom.”

When Tom Stoddard and his future spouse, Walter Rieman, went to a conservative Manhattan retailer to pick out their wedding rings, they expected to be turned away by the salesman. Stoddard, a longtime gay activist, said he was prepared to cause a scene. “But the salesman didn’t blink,” he said. “He acted like an appropriate and friendly businessperson.”

Although same-sex weddings are becoming increasingly common, and Hawaii might soon become the first state to recognize them, the etiquette of such unions is still relatively uncharted territory--and involves more than retailer reaction.

Same-sex couples who decide to tie the knot face many of the same dilemmas experienced by anyone who has planned a wedding, everything from prenuptial jitters to fights over how much it’s all going to cost. And some different ones.

It starts with what to call the event. Gays have had to adapt and reinvent some of the more important aspects of the rites. Wedding applies, but the word “makes some people nervous,” said Tess Ayers, co-author (with Paul Brown) of “The Essential Guide to Gay and Lesbian Weddings” (Harper San Francisco, 1994).

Because they were committed to the spiritual aspects of the ceremony, and had a minister and rabbi present, Sandy Moldafsky and Fran Ruth of Van Nuys dubbed theirs a holy union. Ayers offers other suggestions, including union ceremony, commitment ceremony, ceremony of the heart and life-partnership ceremony.

Partner is considered too legalistic and lover or boyfriend/girlfriend too restrictive and inconsequential. Stoddard chose spouse because “it strikes a balance between tradition and individuality.” Other alternatives are mate or life mate or life’s partner.

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While some gay couples formalize their union before clergy, others opt for a therapist or other officiator. Stoddard and Rieman self-officiated the ceremony with a simple exchange of vows in front of family, friends and co-workers.

Couples not affiliated with a gay-friendly congregation (most major cities have a Metropolitan Community Church or Dignity annex) face the hit-or-miss approach.

Many ministers and rabbis who agree to officiate gay marriages ask couples to attend counseling sessions before setting a date. Rabbi Denise L. Eger of Congregation Kol Ami in West Hollywood and the Rev. Malcolm Boyd, an Episcopalian minister in Los Angeles, require couples be together for about a year before they’ll consider marrying them.

“I like to meet with couples several times, get to know them and give them a chance to work on questions and problems,” said Boyd, who delves into such aspects as their identity as individuals and as a couple, as well as how a wedding will affect relationships with their parents and siblings.

Eger suggests that after the ceremony, couples look into legal steps they can take to fortify their union, such as partnership contracts, wills, a durable power of attorney or a partnership agreement.

“Through a business partnership contract, gay and lesbian couples can actually decide what and how they want to share,” said Encino lawyer Diane Goodman. That includes real estate, medical and insurance benefits, and past and future income.

Such agreements are desirable in same-sex unions because the exchange of vows is not legally binding and doesn’t automatically make the couples subject to certain tax and property laws.

A partnership agreement--which differs from a business partnership contract in that it covers non-financial matters--is the best way to clarify the commitment, “since what one partner means by sharing may not be what the other partner means,” said Los Angeles lawyer Mary Newcomb. “You can create the boundaries according to your own needs.”

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Couples say the effect of a wedding announcement on employers and families can range from acceptance to hostility. For gays who are open and comfortable in their jobs, the move is usually greeted positively.

But some say it’s best to proceed with caution. Moldafsky had just started a job in advertising and was unsure what her employer’s reaction would be, so she didn’t tell anyone until a year after her ceremony. Rieman had just been made a partner in a major New York law firm and warned his employers that his ceremony would likely receive media attention (his wedding to Stoddard was written about in the New Yorker and other publications).

When Ziemer made Bruner the beneficiary on his life insurance policy, listing him as life mate, “they checked into my medical status right away, which I don’t think would have happened if I had listed a wife as beneficiary,” he said.

Of even longer-term consequence are family reactions. Eger will sometimes agree to counsel parents and siblings: “Gay ceremonies can be healing moments for parents. They may not have previously seen the relationship as legitimate. But they can relate to a wedding.” Such a positive outcome is not always possible, however, she advises. “(Gay couples) sometimes need to accept that a parent or sibling simply can’t deal with it.”

Bruce Gates, who wed Charles Herrera in January, considers himself one of the lucky ones. His whole family came to the Los Angeles couple’s ceremony. Herrera’s sisters didn’t attend; one couldn’t make it, the other said she “just didn’t believe in it.”

In New York, Stoddard’s mother also stayed away. But he believes the symbolic nature of the event helped her come around. “She called and apologized and said she was disappointed she hadn’t come. Then she sent us a silver pitcher with a note: ‘I wish you a long and blessed union.’ Symbols do matter.”

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Taking a cue from heterosexual ceremonies, gay couples have created variations of the ritual to suit their particular needs, everything from the walk down the aisle to the actual vows.

Same-sex couples are usually not formally given away. Many couples have two or more witnesses, either best friends or siblings. On occasion, Boyd said, he has officiated unions with large wedding parties, bridesmaids, ushers--the works.

Stoddard and Rieman originally planned to choose a same-sex rite from among those that existed in Europe from the 8th to the 15th centuries, “but they were simply too religious for our purpose,” Stoddard said. “Instead, we created a Quaker-style commitment statement.”

By contrast, Moldafsky and Ruth were united with both Jewish and Christian blessings, under a huppah , with two glasses to break at the end of the ceremony. Many of their gay-couple friends didn’t understand why they went to such elaborate lengths.

“It was only after the ceremony that they understood how much a spiritual commitment changes your feelings, makes them stronger, more solid,” Moldafsky said.

Boyd reads from Corinthians and Paul about the nature of love, while Eger gives the couple to one another, which many gay couples prefer to being pronounced some variation of husband and wife.

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Attire is generally traditional. Men wear suits or matching tuxedos; women wear dresses, sometimes even bridal gowns, or both may wear tuxes. One playful variation, said Matt Giovanni, head of the Vermont-based Pride, Love and Union Services, was a “Star Trek”-themed wedding he helped plan; everyone came as characters from the popular sci-fi series.

Then there’s the burning question of what to put atop the wedding cake. Bruner sawed two male-female couples apart and kept the two grooms.

Some couples prefer a gay-friendly atmosphere for their honeymoon. Options include gay cruises available through RSVP, Atlantis and, for women, Olivia, which also offers on-board commitment ceremonies.

But many don’t want to be limited to an all-gay environment. Billy Colber of Out and About said deluxe cruises or resorts are an option, “since discretion is one of the advantages of deluxe accommodations.” On a more moderate level, there are gay guest houses in Palm Springs, Santa Fe, Hawaii and the Caribbean. Some gay-friendly or gay-owned bed-and-breakfast establishments provide wedding banquet facilities for couples who want to share both their union and honeymoon with family and friends.

And should the dream union not work out, Boyd suggests a formal dissolution service “to free a couple . . . so they can get on with their lives.”