LAUGH LINES : Smoking Out the True Story About Twinkies

I’d walk a mile for a Twinkie. Well, maybe not that far. But I’d certainly walk farther for a Twinkie than I would for a Camel.

There are two very important reasons for this:

1. I really like Twinkies.

2. I don’t smoke cigarettes.

So it came as quite a surprise to hear that Twinkies were compared to cigarettes during congressional hearings on smoking.

In case you missed it, possibly due to a prolonged sugar rush, here’s what happened: Tobacco industry people testified, in effect, that cigarettes are no more harmful or addictive than Twinkies or other snack foods. Rep. Henry Waxman (D-Calif.), who apparently has a sweet tooth, responded: “Twinkies don’t kill people.”

Although Waxman is, in the medical sense, probably right, I thought I would play devil’s-food advocate. So, in the interest of fairness--and having nothing better to do--I called the surgeon general’s office in Washington.

The woman who answered the phone was perplexed. So, in accordance with federal law, she put me on hold. When she came back on, she told me that Surgeon General Joycelyn Elders could not comment about physical effects Twinkies may have.

Then, in a genuine effort to either help me or get rid of me, the secretary transferred me to Suzanne Gates, a health educator in the Office on Smoking and Health at the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention in Atlanta.

Gates, well aware of the controversy, said that while she doesn’t eat Twinkies, there is no reason to think they will kill you, unless you happen to choke on one.

“In that case they could be bad for your health,” Gates confessed.

Then, in a shocking admission that gives credence to tobacco industry claims, Gates said that although Twinkies don’t contain tar or nicotine, and are “really tough to smoke,” they do have something in common with cigarettes.

“People who smoke cigarettes usually start at a young age,” she said. “So do people who develop a taste for Twinkies.”

I found this bit of information so alarming that I called Waxman’s office in Washington. He wasn’t in, but his assistant, Phil Schiliro, made this stunning statement: “It’s possible Rep. Waxman may have had a Twinkie at one time in his life. I can neither confirm nor deny that.”

Schiliro then shamefully admitted he used to eat Twinkies in high school: “The combination of advertising and peer pressure really got to me. My younger brother was a big Twinkie eater, but he successfully kicked the habit. We didn’t know at the time that Twinkies were so dangerous. Who knew?”

Even Keith Schopp, a spokesman for the Continental Baking Co. in St. Louis, which makes Twinkies, confessed that he is a “pack a day” Twinkie eater.

Now that the evidence linking Twinkies and cigarettes has been made public--exclusively in this column, I might add--I propose the following health measures:

* Twinkie warnings. On every pack or box should appear something like: “WARNING: The Surgeon General has determined that eating Twinkies may cause you to bounce off walls.”

* Twinkie-free buildings. Eating them prohibited on the premises. Doors would have symbols with a picture of a Twinkie inside a circle with a red line through it. There would also be signs: “Thank you for not eating Twinkies.”

* Twinkie Enders. Programs would be established for people trying to quit eating Twinkies. Support groups would also help former eaters and their families.

* Twinkie patches. These sponge-cake patches would be attached to the arms of Twinkie eaters to medically wean them from their addictions.

* Twinkie studies. These scientific experiments would study the dangers of secondhand cream and why the vegetable shortening in Twinkies is only partially hydrogenated.

Meanwhile, the tobacco industry should know: When it comes to Twinkies, I’d rather fight than quit.