He Has Answers If You Ask Him

Nobody Asked Me But . . . was a literary device of the late, great Jimmy Cannon. Jimmy would be apoplectic, but I revive it because it’s too good a trick to let die. Besides, I need the day off.

1. Nothing plastic is ever any good.

2. Two things that never got easier--putting lights on Christmas trees and chains on tires.

3. If Anthony Hopkins ain’t in it, I don’t go to a Victorian movie.

4. Men never ask directions when they’re driving. Especially if they’re lost. No man ever admits he’s lost. A man will admit to murder before he’ll admit he’s lost.

5. The last 20 seconds of a basketball game last an hour. I wish my life could have a basketball timekeeper. I’d live forever. A year would be a century.

6. If ballplayers go on strike, shouldn’t bank presidents? How can a guy be a “labor leader” with a constituency of millionaires?

7. I have a hard time getting excited about Oscar De La Hoya.

8. Baseball has run out of pitchers. Hockey is running out of skaters. The only thing the country seems to have plenty of is thieves.

9. I’m glad we got the World Cup here. It doesn’t look as if we’re going to have the World Series anytime soon.

10. I don’t know why I like the New York Rangers, but I do.

11. The networks are killing themselves with greed. They interrupt commercials to bring you commercials.

12. David Letterman grows on you, but the only reason I’d ever turn on daytime television is Regis Philbin.

13. No matter how fancy the restaurant, I can never get cream for my coffee without asking three times.

14. I think “Saturday Night Live” is vulgar and boring.

15. They should call them the New York “Bricks.”

16. If baseball wants a commissioner, why not Al Gore? He’s not doing anything.

17. I kind of like Hillary Clinton.

18. Whatever became of Jane Fonda?

19. Atlanta has the best team in baseball, but it also has the Sam Snead syndrome. The Braves find a way to throw away the Big One.

20. I hope somebody you heard of wins the U.S. Open.

21. Where do those Florida schools get their football players--Death Row?

22. I wish I were a better dresser, but everything I like is either too loud or out-of-date.

23. I’m the only guy in my crowd who likes wearing a necktie. Hides the neck.

24. The kind of clothes people think are up-to-date now are the kind you had to wear when you were poor and hated it. If I had to wear torn jeans to school, I’d play hooky first. And you can’t give me a pair of those athletic shoes. I say they’re sneakers and the hell with them. I couldn’t wait to buy real leather.

25. You can bet me your cabdriver will tell you he’s “Persian.” He doesn’t think you know ancient Persia is modern Iran.

26. Sure, Michael Jordan was great. But I’d have to see him dunk over Bill Russell before I make him the best ever.

27. Ken Griffey Jr. can’t wait for his team to catch up to him. But none of us is guaranteed a pennant, Junior. We’re not even guaranteed tomorrow.

28. How do you spell relief ? The Dodgers spell it H-e-l-p !

I gotta go now. Sleep well, Jimmy. But I can hear you already: “Put in there that I don’t like imitators!”