LAUGH LINES

Jay Leno says he doesn’t care if the President has affairs with women, he just wishes he’d pick a better class: “Gennifer Flowers, Paula Jones . . . Clinton always seems to pick women who look like they are afraid their make-up might get stolen. So before they leave the house in the morning, they just put on everything they own.”

Leno, on last Friday’s 22nd anniversary of the Watergate break-in: “Boy, those are the good old days. Remember when the Democrats had plans worth stealing?”

Leno, on Israeli researchers, who said that for peak performance, World Cup players should not have sex for six to eight days before a match: “No wonder soccer hasn’t caught on in this country.”

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Reader Werner Haas is working on a home-study course for youngsters who want to come to Hollywood and look for agents. He’s calling it Hooked on Phonies .

Reader Keith Scheuer says senatorial candidate and admitted liar Ollie North is proposing legislation that would spare others the agony he has suffered: “If elected, North would make it a felony to testify under oath.”

Reader G.E. Peterson says that being old is when you can’t remember what excuses people used before someone came up with “Our computer is down.”

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Former President Jimmy Carter just returned from Korea. Comic Argus Hamilton says that while he was there, Carter visited the actual site of the 4077th MASH unit to lay a wreath at the spot where MacLean Stevenson buried his career.

Pat Paulsen, comic and presidential hopeful from 1968-1992 (and again in 1996, “only this time as a serious candidate”), as he was leaving two weeks ago to entertain American troops in the DMZ: “If there is any bombing to do in South Korea, I’m the guy to do it.”

Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on the San Dimas fire captain who said his men don’t look at only “Playboy” in their spare time, that some even read the Bible: “Gee, maybe Hef could do a spread on The Girls of the Old Testament .”

Plans are under way to make a movie out of the old TV series, “Green Acres.” Comedy writer Mark Miller says the making of this movie is, according to Nostradamus, a sure sign of the coming Apocalypse.

Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the new pain medication Aleve: “Procter & Gamble will hand out samples along with a free CD of Billy Ray Cyrus’ ‘Achy Breaky Heart’ to induce a sample headache.”

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Reader Maureen Cobas of Pomona says she’ll never forget the time she asked her stepson about a professional athlete she was unfamiliar with:

“Oh, he’s really good,” he informed me. “Two years in the pros and he already has his own shoe.”