Laugh Lines / Jokes

Short takes: The White House has announced that it is responsible for creating 7,000 jobs. That’s a good start, says comic Argus Hamilton, but people can’t make a career out of jury duty.

A Tulsa hotel, for ages regarded as the town’s best-known house of prostitution, was recently renovated into a law office building. Says Hamilton: “The more things change . . . “

Fitness magazine says most women start diets because they no longer can squeeze into their clothes. Next biggest reason, comedy writer Bob Mills reports, is a new law in 14 states that requires them to display a “Wide Load” sign on their denims.

There’s a new virtual reality game out that allows shoppers to wander through 3-D mall stores, buy merchandise and drop it into simulated shopping bags. Comedy writer Paul Steinberg says it’s amazingly realistic: “You spend the first hour circling a 3-D parking lot looking for a parking space.”

A small plane loaded with about 40 bales of marijuana crashed and burned in the North Carolina mountains. The fire, reports comedy writer Tony Peyser, caused a Grateful Dead concert to break out.

R.J. Reynolds has taken out ads asking that after tobacco, the government might want to ban other things, such as coffee. Kids who start out with decaf soon move on to cappuccino and in no time are hooked on double espressos, Peyser says. Even more frightening, research shows, this ultimately leads to wearing berets and attending poetry readings.

Comic Marti Schauer says she received her degree in psychology and human sexuality from Cal State Northridge in 1986. When asked how she’s presently applying that degree, Schauer explains that she’s “in therapy--and celibate.”

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A woman buys a parrot, takes it home and asks it: “Polly want a cracker?” The parrot responds with a string of vulgar language and epithets.

The woman grabbed the parrot, said “Don’t ever use that language with me again” and puts it in the freezer. After an hour or so, she pulls it out and asks the parrot if it has learned its lesson and will be good.

The parrot replies that it won’t ever use foul language again. Then it adds, “But I do have one question: What did the chicken do? “

--Tim Fassino, Sun Valley

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Believe it or not:

* Of the 15 existing flavors of dental floss available worldwide, the least popular is liverwurst.

* Folsom Prison has 27 different prisoner classes in mime, each with a four-month waiting list.

* Among the phrases cut from the very first draft of the Declaration of Independence were: “Freedom, schmeedom--let’s eat” and “Party on, Garth.”

--Mark Miller

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Bill Hagan of Rancho Palos Verdes accompanied his daughter on her first Halloween Trick or Treat. As a neighbor put candy in her bag, he prompted her to say thank you by asking, “What do you say?”

She replied: “More.”