And You Think Playboy Is Sexy?

A U.S. District Court ruling has solved a problem for me--a problem that was growing more acute with each passing month.

The problem: What to do with my back issues of Playboy magazine. I must have 60 of them stacked behind doors in a living room cabinet.

You might wonder why I save them. It is not to satisfy my prurient interest, although that may be a minor factor. Actually, the magazine has an intrinsic value that is not diminished by time. For one thing, the female figure has not changed much over the millennia. She is still as alluring as Eve.

More pertinent, old Playboys have a monetary value that does not diminish with age. Several years ago I gave a stack to the PTA for a sale it was holding at Carlin G. Smith playground on Mount Washington. They discreetly placed them under the table and sold every one at $2.50 a copy.

More recently, I’ve given several copies to my old friend Romulo Gomez when he’s in town from Baja. He says they don’t have any Playboys in Mexico.

Now, thanks to the decision by U.S. District Judge Stephen V. Wilson voiding a county ruling that firemen could not keep or read Playboy in firehouses, I feel free to give my old copies to firemen.

This county rule evidently was prompted by a fear that reading the magazine and looking at its color spreads of nude women would incite firemen to acts of sexual harassment. The judge ruled that this restraint was a violation of the constitutional amendment guaranteeing free speech.

If Playboy is to be banned for creating a highly charged sexual atmosphere, what about women’s magazines? They are far worse.

While waiting for my manicurist the other day, I was glancing at a pile of magazines on her table and my eye was caught by a title on the cover of the Ladies Home Journal: “Sexual Sins: What you shouldn’t do in bed.” My curiosity aroused, I read the article but didn’t learn anything I didn’t already know.

Later that day, while waiting in Vons while my wife shopped, I glanced at the women’s magazines in a rack. Mademoiselle featured an article called “How to Make Sex Better--Really, Really Better.” It also featured an article called “A Great Butt: Exercises That Do It.” Glamour advertised “Hate Your Contraceptive? Women Rate a New Method.”

Complete Woman featured an article on “Men and Sex: Secrets Every Woman (You!) Must Know.”

Woman’s Own advertised “Men and Sex: At Last! Real Men Tell ‘What Makes a Woman Good in Bed.’ ” That same issue also features “Marital Secrets: Which to Confess and When to Keep Your Mouth Shut.”

The old respectable Redbook has an article titled “Orgasm School: 15 Lessons You’ll Love to Learn.”

While I was sitting at the deli counter drinking a Coke, a man sitting beside me got up to leave and shoved aside a magazine he had been reading. Evidently he had taken it from the rack and not paid for it. It was VW Trends, a magazine for Volkswagen aficionados. I figured it probably wouldn’t have any sexy pictures in it.

But it happened to be the magazine’s annual Super Swimsuit Spectacular. There were eight pages of full-color pictures of well endowed young women in the skimpiest of bikinis. All were either sitting in or leaning against Volkswagens. I was beginning to feel that there was no escape from sex (there isn’t, really).

Meanwhile, my new Playboy has come. It features nine pages of color photographs of Patti Davis, the rebel daughter of Ronald and Nancy Reagan. She is absolutely starkers. The only thing this revealing spread proves is that Patti had good genes.

It also contains a thought-piece on gun control by Robert Scheer, a regular columnist, and an enlightening article on prostate cancer. I think that would be of more value to a male firefighter than what not to say in bed.

I wonder whether a male firefighter would be more likely to harass a female firefighter after seeing a picture of Patti Davis in the nude or reading an article on “How to Make Sex Better--Really, Really Better.” I also wonder whether an article on prostate cancer or a think-piece on gun control is as likely to titillate a male firefighter into harassing one of his colleagues than 15 lessons on orgasm.

This controversy gives me an idea for a random act of senseless kindness, an activity in which my readers seem to feel I have been delinquent.

I would be happy to deliver a few back issues of Playboy to any fire station whose firefighters ask for them.

After all, a male firefighter’s job is to rush into the streets when he hears the alarm, and risk his life to save the lives of others. What would be more likely to inspire him to this act of bravery than pictures of live young women?

Meanwhile, maybe the county should consider banning women’s magazines from fire stations.

* Jack Smith’s column is published Mondays.