‘90s FAMILY : Care and Maintenance of Your Nana

Being a good grandchild was certainly easier in the old days, before there were so many demands on the time and energy of children. Between long hours of school and homework, dancing lessons, soccer games, social obligations and telephone time, you probably feel spread pretty thin. Besides all that, there are the demands of your parents, who, without intending to add to your stress, do.

The magic words of grandchilding are the same ones your parents put such trust in: quality time. By focusing your attention on those few areas that mean the most, you can raise happy, high-achieving grandparents who will have that most sought-after quality of the ‘90s: good self-esteem.

The following seven tips--widely followed and highly useful for most--were formulated to help kids like you. But always remember that in the final analysis, no one knows your grandparents better than you, their grandchild.

1. What Grandparents Like to Read

The hands-down favorite reading material of grandparents is thank-you notes. These needn’t be elaborate or expensive. In fact, most grandparents go absolutely bananas over scrawled, misspelled, hand-illustrated, jelly-smeared little numbers.

Commercial thank-you notes can be given individual touches. For example, to reinforce the thank-you note habit, I recently gave my daughter a printed thank-you note to give to her daughter, who had received what I thought was quite a nice birthday gift and not cheap either. The note was promptly returned with a personal note to the effect that she was enjoying the gift a lot, “and thanks for giving my Mom this card to give to me to send to you.” Touches like that make all the difference.

2. Hugs, the Miracle Ingredient

A grandparent deprived of at least a minimum of grandchild hugs will quickly develop Senior Sensory Scowling Syndrome, with symptoms such as crankiness, criticalness and stinginess. There are, of course, individual differences as to just how much hugging is required; also, for grandparents who live at a distance, it can be a problem. That’s where cute notes and letters play an especially important role.

When I give advice to adults, I make quite a point of telling them to honor the child’s wishes about physical demonstrativeness. It’s good advice. Right now, though, I’m talking to you, and I say, hug ‘em.

3. The Power of the Unexpected

While birthdays, anniversaries, Mother’s Day, Father’s Day, Grandparent’s Day, Special Person’s Day, and all major and minor holidays should, of course, be promptly and lovingly acknowledged, you will really make points by sending little jingles to your grandparents on occasions such as the vernal equinox (“Spring has sprung, the grass is green, I haven’t seen you all week, where have you been?”), the autumnal equinox (“The longest day of the year is one on which from you I don’t hear”) and so forth. I know one little genius who sent his grandmother on the opposite coast the following poem, accompanied by a newspaper ad of a national chain store’s Thanksgiving Weekend Sale:

“There are Sales in the East, There are Sales in the West, but when it comes to bargains in Nanas you’re the best.”

4. The Art of Creative Hinting

Although someone once said that children and grandparents get along so well because they have a common enemy--the parents--there is a universal adult loathing of whining, so forget that as a technique. Try Creative Hinting instead. While your parents may tumble to your true motives (perhaps even labeling your best efforts “manipulation”), grandparents delight in bragging to their friends about how clever you are.

Listen in on any gathering of grandparents, and you’ll hear boasts such as:

“That grandson of mine! He thinks I didn’t see right through it when he told me his other grandpa disapproves of stereo equipment for 10-year-olds. I was going to get him that for his birthday anyway. Of course I’m much younger than Grandpa Grizzly, so I am more understanding.”

5. Memorable Outings

Grandparents’ ideas of what makes for a terrific outing may be very different from yours. Most, although not all, grandparents are very big on things educational and are forever inviting you to go to museums, art shows and concerts (their kind, not yours).

Be willing to compromise. Two hours of enduring “The Boffo Beat of the Big Bands” or “Art From Small Town America Prior to World War II” will probably be followed by dinner at a really cool restaurant of your choice, with more sweets than your parents would permit in a month.

6. Powerful Praise

To be powerful, praise should be administered sparingly and wisely. Comments such as, “I think you’d look awesome in a bikini, Grams, your tummy has a great curve and you should be proud of all those silvery stretch marks” won’t fly. Contrary to what you may have heard or read, lavish and indiscriminate praise does not raise self-esteem in seniors any more than it does in juniors.

What works is well-timed and realistic recognition of true mastery and competence. Instead of saying something inane like “You’re just the best driver I ever saw in my life!” which your grandparent will immediately recognize as phony baloney unless his/her mental state prohibits driving altogether, try this: When you notice him/her driving in the slow lane at only 10 m.p.h. less than the posted speed limit, remark sincerely, “It’s sure nice driving with you today; hardly any cars are honking at us.”

7. Being Effective With Electronics

The answering machine is one area where you have it all over previous generations. Use it wisely and well. Whether your message is lilting, lisping, giggly or semi-intelligible, your grandparents will love it, and possibly save the tape along with photos, thank-you notes, handprints, school pictures and all the other memorabilia of your childhood.

And believe it or not, the day will come when looking at and listening to all that gooey stuff will make you feel good about yourself.

Remember that the job of being a grandchild is difficult and demanding, so don’t try to do it perfectly--no one does. Your grandparents, and your parents, got plenty of expert advice about raising you, but hardly anyone besides myself has addressed the unique challenges you face.

When the going gets rough, keep this in mind: Thirty years from now, your grandparents won’t be telling some therapist about all the mistakes you made.