COMMITMENTS : The Art of Falling in Love : Singles today have a tough time finding Mr. (or Ms.) Right. What with long hours at work and the gym, who’s got time to meet people? The experts say you do if you go about it the right way.

Once upon a time, boy met girl; boy and girl fell in love; boy and girl got married.

Nowadays, nabbing Mr. or Ms. Right is apparently not so simple. In fact, like California cuisine or tai chi, soul-mate hunting is an art--and an art that must be mastered, say experts in such matters.

“People think they can start a relationship by seeing someone across the room, floating into each other’s arms and then be set for life,” said Hilary Rich, author of “Get Married Now: the Definitive Guide for Finding and Marrying the Right Mate for You” (Bob Adams Inc., 1993).

“In order to create relationships, you have to sink your teeth in; you have to become involved in the process,” she added. “It’s a mistake to think it will happen by kismet.”

Rich, who is completing a “Get Married Now” infomercial, is among many specialists tapping into the vast reservoir of singles’ Angst. Rich and others have generated dozens of seminars, classes and books designed for hapless relationship-seekers.

A sampling of titles: “The Mating Game,” “At Long Last Love,” “Yes! You Can Find a Soul Mate . . . Even in L.A.!” “How to Marry Rich,” “10 Ways to Attract the Opposite Sex . . . Immediately!” “How to Attract Women,” “If I’m So Wonderful, Why Am I Still Single?” “How to Get the Woman You Want with No Money Down” and its counterpart, “Protect Yourself From Men Who Want to Take Advantage of You and Learn How to Get the Man You Want at the Same Time.”

“There are great people who take these classes,” said Toby Berlin, executive director of the Learning Annex, the largest adult seminar organization on the West Coast and home to many such classes. “They’re well-spoken and well dressed, with a couple of initials after their names--they just need a little help in this area.”

Indeed, singles today face some very contemporary issues when it comes to mating. Commutes, long work days and the ever-important hour at the gym can leave very little time for meeting prospective partners.

But an overfilled Filofax is the least of the problems confronting the dateless and desperate. Singleness has become not just a state of being, but a way of life.

“Singles are so frustrated these days,” said Richard Gant, author of “How to Get the Woman You Want With No Money Down” (Aware Publications, 1993), and star of his own infomercial, “For Men Only.”

“They are either apathetic, afraid or cynical. And if it seems like too much effort, they don’t want to try.”

Gant and others also say that expectations, especially in Los Angeles, land of celluloid and movie stars, are way too high.

“I refer to it as the 4-6-8 syndrome,” he said. “A person is a 4, thinks he’s a 6, but thinks he deserves an 8.”

It is important, however, to make a list of your ideal mate’s desirable qualities. But that list should narrow necessary attributes down to 10, the experts recommend.

It’s also a good idea to separate the “must haves” from the “would likes.” For example, “gainfully employed” or “of child-bearing years” might be a “must have,” while “blond and broad shouldered” or “36-24-36” might fit the “would like” list.

“Many people say they want this, this, this and then wind up with nobody,” said Carole Kirschner, who produced the ABC-TV special “The Search for the New Ideal Man” and who teaches “Yes! You Can Find a Soul Mate . . . Even in L.A.!”

“Some people in the world just meet their soul mate and they’re really lucky,” said Kirschner, 41, who met her boyfriend at a singles function while doing research for her class. “For the rest of us, we make our own soul mate. It’s about finding someone who has qualities you want and also has the willingness to grow. The important thing is to end up with what is most important to you, and the rest is a compromise.”

Suzanne Brierley, a psychotherapist who runs Romanceworks--For Those Seeking Love, which includes one-on-one counseling, tapes and seminars, takes a different approach. She focuses on understanding the differences between the way men and women view marriage.

Women think of marriage in terms of financial and emotional security, children, family and, in short, as life enhancing, said Brierley, who practices in Newport Beach.

But when men think about marriage, she said, they think about a loss of independence, additional responsibility, financial risk and how it will disrupt their lives.

“A man must be madly in love with a woman and know that the only way to keep her is by marrying her,” Brierley said.

One of the best ways a woman can successfully court a man, Brierley said, is by making her home “male friendly.” Key elements include a large, deep sofa; a large, raised coffee table, and, of course, the TV remote control and a bowl of finger food within easy reach of the sofa.

“His unconscious thought when he sees your apartment should be, ‘I could live here,’ ” said Brierley, who has gone to clients’ homes to help decorate.

All this plotting and planning might sound a bit desperate and extreme. But for those who are truly tired of leaping over tables and bridesmaids to catch the bouquet, drastic measures are in order. And these experts are not advising anyone to do anything they haven’t done themselves.

“I spent five years in hell wishing, hoping I’d get married,” said author Rich, 31, who married at 27 and now has two children. “I felt like everyone I knew was getting married; I was always a bridesmaid, never a bride; I cried myself to sleep, I felt left out of life.”

Rich, who was working as a business manager at the time, told her boss she would no longer work past 5 p.m. and went on an all-out search for Her Man, vowing to leave no stone unturned. She came up with a plan, which included setting her wedding date before she met her husband. Her efforts paid off, and after seven months, she met Mr. Right through a friend. They married five months later. After that, with the fervor of the saved, Rich decided it was her duty to lead others to matrimonial bliss.

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Gant, 48, said that when he was younger, the women he was interested in looked over and through him. He made it his goal to heighten his desirability factor and spent the last 30 years talking to 1,000 “above average women” and 1,000 men who successfully dated or married them. From this and other research, Gant developed his strategies.

“It’s not about how to score or hustle,” said Gant, engaged to a woman he describes as “out of my league.” “It’s about how to present yourself, what to do when you find the right person and how not to blow it.”

The question, of course, is whether all these machinations and analyses actually lead to successful relationships.

“It doesn’t do any serious harm to set some sort of goal, if you need a goal to get you in gear,” said Anita Siegman, a Los Angeles psychologist who counsels couples. “Unfortunately, these things don’t always work on a schedule, and if you’re so determined to get married, you could be courting disaster if you find just anyone willing to marry you.”

Karen, 41, a graduate of countless singles seminars, said that although none of the classes she took did her any harm, she believes that she met her boyfriend after she stopped trying so hard to find him and instead started focusing on herself.

“Everything I did gave me good information and was good preparation,” said Karen, a Los Angeles clothing buyer. “But ultimately I had to realize that there were nice, available men in my life all along, and it was my problem that I never liked any of them. It wasn’t that I suddenly found the right person, it was that I worked to be able to appreciate and love someone who wasn’t necessarily my ideal.”

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Becky, a 36-year-old Huntington Beach writer, has tried just about everything when it comes to finding Mr. Wonderful: singles ads, dating clubs, dances, hikes and the “How to Meet Mr. Right”-type classes. Her conclusions: It will happen when it happens.

“Now, I just continue to work on myself,” she said. “It’s important to be open, but ultimately I don’t think you can control who you meet or when. In fact, a lot of the people I’ve met when I’ve done the personal ads and the dating clubs are your typical single guys who are either really unattractive or have some fatal flaw which keeps them from being in a relationship. I prefer to just live my life, and trust that I’ll meet the right person.”

But all the teachers claim high success rates, and many of the students who invest their time and money in their courses, which range from $29 to hundreds of dollars, seem pleased with what they’ve picked up.

Allen Hamburger, although still single, swears by the techniques he’s learned through Gant’s book and seminars. He says he now feels comfortable to approach anyone, anywhere.

“If I see someone I’d like to get to know, I can talk to her instantly and find out right away if I’m someone she’d be interested in, or if she’s someone I’d be interested in,” said Hamburger, 48, a salesman who lives in Torrance. “I ask her if she’s married, engaged or madly in love, and if she is, I don’t waste my time. Then I ask her what it would take to go to dinner with her, and if she says I’d have to be 6-feet-4 and blond, then I know to walk away,” said Hamburger, who is 5 feet, 8 inches tall and dark-haired.

Joyce, a 26-year-old special events coordinator in West Hollywood and a graduate of Kirschner’s class, said she believes the class opened her up to meet the person she is dating, whom she is “crazy about.”

“It helped me get clear on what I wanted and didn’t want, and to focus,” she said. “The class made me more open and the daily lessons Carole had us do, like smiling and making eye contact with people, helped a lot. When I first met my boyfriend, I didn’t think he was my type--but I stayed open and kept talking to him, and realized he was what I was looking for.”

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And Sharon Ashkenazi, a 31-year-old Los Angeles computer programmer, did get married three months after she took Rich’s “Get Married Now” class in 1992. The class, she said, helped her focus on what was important to her and gave her tools for spotting Prince Charming.

“It was also just really supportive being there,” she said of the class. “It made me feel like I wasn’t out there in the world alone, searching alone. It was fun and gave me a feeling of camaraderie.”

Indeed, if nothing else, the countless classes, books and seminars help show those who have not yet found their beloved that they are not alone. And these forums empower and motivate singles who might otherwise feel dejected and helpless.

Said Rich: “If you don’t take control of this area of your life, who will?”