In the news: Jay Leno, on the Goodwill Games: "I guess in an event today, the three-legged race was won by a guy from Chernobyl."
Leno, on Florida's governor turning down a proposal for casino gambling because it would attract the wrong element: "Yeah, you wouldn't want the gamblers to scare away all the drug dealers."
Comedy writer Mark Miller, on the man seeking $940,000 from the University of Idaho after he fell through a third-story window while "mooning" friends: "Apparently the man has a deeply bruised buttock and a lawyer with a helluva lot of nerve."
Rocker Jerry Lee Lewis has ironed out a $4.1-million disagreement with the IRS, promising to pay $560,000. Comedy reporter Tony Peyser says that Lewis has refused comment, referring all questions to his accountant, Willie Nelson.
Iranian-backed terrorists have threatened to blow up Washington and New York City. This puts Americans in a difficult position, says comic Argus Hamilton: "We don't know who to root for."
Hamilton, on the Republicans' health care plan: "It provides for a police escort from the club to the clinic whenever tennis elbow happens to flare up."
Comedy writer Bob Mills, on the AMA warning that older Americans are often prescribed drugs that, when taken in combination with other things, can cause adverse reactions: "For example, when taken with Metamucil, Valium produces false memories of walking 10 miles to school in the snow."
Pee Wee Herman will return to the stage this week in L.A. with an improv group. Comedy writer Terry Heath says Herman is expected to make his singing debut with a song from the musical "Tommy," entitled "See Me, Feel Me, Touch Me."
A drunk stumbles into a bar and tells the bartender to buy everyone in the house a drink on him and to have one himself. The bartender follows orders, then tells the drunk, "That'll be $37."
The drunk says he has no money, so the bartender gets mad, slaps him around and tosses him out.
Next night, the same drunk wanders in with the same instructions to buy everyone, including the bartender, a drink. Thinking that no one would be so stupid as to try the same trick again, the bartender complies. Again, the drunk stiffs him. The bartender cuffs him around and throws him out.
On the third night, the drunk returns, this time ordering drinks for everyone except the bartender.
"What, you're not going to buy me one?" the bartender asks.
"Oh, no," replies the drunk. "You get violent when you drink."
--Ilana Urbach, Calabasas
Reader Walter Gelb of Santa Barbara says that a buddy, who had hurt his back while golfing, walked into a local drug store and asked the pharmacist if he could recommend anything better than Ben-Gay:
"Yes," the druggist nodded. "Slow down your back swing."