Stuck in the Middle : Those 35 to 54 Are Less Likely to Go Out, More Likely to Be Unhappy

Young singles want to get married, and if they follow current trends, most will succeed by the time they’re 35.

Older singles are not so eager to marry. Those 55 and older, usually widowed or divorced, prefer to spend their leisure time with friends, not prospective mates. More of them claim to be “very happy” than any other age group.

But stuck in the middle are the middle-aged, the 35- to 54-year-old singles, most of them divorced, many raising children and few satisfied with their lot.

“This group of divorced men and women is very interesting,” said Steven L. Nock, a University of Virginia sociologist. “It’s a phenomenally large group, and we really don’t know much about these people.”

A Times Orange County Poll found that three of every four middle-aged singles wanted to marry) but found the search for an ideal mate particularly difficult.

Nearly half of those age 35 to 54 said it was hard to meet single people like themselves. Only three in 10 said they had a serious romance underway, and fewer than four in 10 said they were dating at all. And as a group, middle-aged singles spent less time socializing with friends than any other group.

All in all, “it’s somewhat depressing,” said Jim Gollner, 39, married for 10 years and now divorced for nearly three. He lives alone in Yorba Linda.

“The problem is, how do you meet people? If you go to a place like a bar, someplace that says, ‘This is where you meet people,’ you get the desperate crowd. Most of those ladies don’t interest me.

“And if you go the newspaper ad route, the woman gets 40 calls a week--that’s what she told me. She’s picking and choosing by voice mail.

“I answered an ad. That was a scary experience. We went out about four times, and then she started just hanging around outside my apartment. I felt like I was being stalked.”

Gollner says he’s backing away from the dating scene. “I just basically figured I give up. Leave it be and someday a woman will come waltzing into my life. I think I’ve been spending too much time trying to find a girl. All things considered, it’s not a bad life.”

In some respects, men such as Gollner are lucky, sociologist Nock said.

“Men have a lot more options in remarriage in terms of eligible partners,” he said. There are about 2% more single women than men in Orange County. “Because women--especially women with custody of children--stay single a lot longer. It’s a tough life for them.”

Consequently, there’s just no time for dating.

“A lot of the girls I work with who have young children, they just basically don’t date at all,” said Tomye Schilling, 43, a manufacturing executive from Irvine. She divorced 21 years ago and began raising her 2-year-old son alone. She remains single, dates only occasionally and finds that the appeal of marriage has faded.

“I hope the right guy exists. I hope if he does, I meet him. I would like to think he’s out there, but it’s not a major priority in my life. The longer people go on their own--the more adjusted to it they get--the harder it is to see themselves as part of a unit. Things that used to not bother me are getting on my nerves. I’m to the point I’d like my own space.”

Marlene McKeown, 44, of Lake Forest, divorced and raising two teen-agers and a 10-year-old, put it bluntly: “Basically, as a single parent with teen-agers you do not have a life. That’s the cold, hard reality of it. If you are dedicated to raising them right and being involved in their activities, there just isn’t any time at all. None.”

Her daily routine: In bed by midnight, up again at 5:15. “You’re into a lifestyle that allows absolutely no letup. You get so bone tired, but you know there is no other choice. You can do it if you have to.

“You have to get the mind-set that this is not forever. Eventually they will grow up and move away. You commit to getting them to that point, and you give up your life” until then.

She said she doesn’t know what that life will be. She may want to remarry, but she may have become so independent by then that marriage becomes undesirable.

As for now, dating is a threat, not a goal, she said. She avoids the singles group at her church because “I’m afraid I’d meet somebody, and I could not handle the added complication.”

Ed Kain, a Southwestern University sociologist and author of “The Myth of Family Decline,” argues that most people who say they want to stay single did not start out that way.

“They just delay and delay for whatever reasons, and their decision gets made for them. By that time, a lot of the people they would be interested in have married. And maybe they get set in their ways and get pickier.”

Karen Vidler, 35, a medical group controller from Laguna Niguel, hasn’t dated for two years. The men she encountered seemed to need money more than love. She’s well-off and does not want to finance a mate’s irresponsibility, she said.

“A majority of them don’t plan for the future and have nothing to show for what they make. I have a real problem with getting married because then I’m financially hooked to them.”

When younger, she conceded, “I probably was more of an idealist. But as time goes by and you deal with reality and see what happens to everyone else, you’re not so willing to jump without looking.”

TIMES ORANGE COUNTY POLL: Age Makes a Difference

Older singles in Orange County have the easiest time coping, with more reporting that they are “very happy” than their younger counterparts. They are also less likely to be in a romantic relationship.

Taken all together, how would you say things are these days? Would you say you’re:

18-34 35-54 55 and Total Men Women years years older Very happy 30% 27% 32% 29% 26% 40% Pretty happy 61% 64% 60% 63% 64% 53% Not too happy 9% 9% 8% 8% 10% 7%

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Are you currently celibate, are you monogamous or do you have more than one partner?

18-34 35-54 55 and Total Men Women years years older Celibate 42% 39% 46% 35% 49% 63% Monogamous 48% 46% 50% 56% 40% 28% More than one partner 10% 15% 4% 9% 11% 9%

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Do you currently have a serious romantic involvement with someone? In the future, do you hope to get married?

18-34 35-54 55 and Total Men Women years years older Yes, serious 36% 32% 40% 44% 30% 15% Yes, hope to marry 77% 81% 73% 91% 73% 27%

Source: Times Orange County Poll