COMMITMENTS : Love Across the Miles : Distance has its pluses. It can foster independence, improve communication.

Fridays signify more than the end of the work week for Dennis, 27, of Los Angeles.

He sees them as a chance to “get together” via phone with the man in Washington, D.C., with whom he has had a long-distance relationship for the past year and a half.

“Life comes together for us on Fridays. It’s our special day. It keeps us together,” he said. “Our conversations are about what we did during the week, but more importantly they’re about how we feel about each other.”

It’s an expensive and often frustrating way to carry on a romance, experts and those involved in such relationships agree, but one whose obstacles can be surmounted and might even prove beneficial.

Dennis and his lover met in Atlanta, exchanged phone numbers and for the first four months of their relationship, talked on the phone two to three times a day, every day. That became too costly. To cut their phone expenses, the couple decided to talk only on Fridays, Saturdays and Sundays. They both contribute to a savings account for traveling expenses to see each other every three months. Dennis said they have good jobs that keep them in separate cities for now.

“I’ve always avoided (long-distance relationships) because of the phone bills, the lonely nights, the insecurity and the temptations,” Dennis said, adding that this has forced him to give more to keep the relationship alive.

“I am constantly giving reassurance about our relationship,” he said. “I think I have an insight into what’s needed to keep it secure despite the distance. You have to keep abreast of each other’s lives.”

That “forced” communication is a benefit of a long-distance relationship, said Howard Wallman, a West L.A. psychotherapist, who said romance far apart can succeed.

“I think it can work. The key is, what works for you? Are you getting what you want?” Wallman said. “There are some real good things about a long-distance relationship. You can have your own life and you’re not so dependent on another person. You’re forced to communicate more. When you get together in person, it can be exciting--it’s different than the average live-in situation.”

Dennis agreed that communication has been accentuated in his long-distance relationship.

“Communication is the basis of any relationship. That’s all you have in a long-distance relationship,” Dennis said. “You really find out the true person. That person can be more truthful with you. You don’t feel as vulnerable over the phone as you do in person.”

The key to success in a long-distance relationship, as well as a nearby relationship, is asking for what you want and listening to the other person’s needs, too, Wallman added.

“You have to be able to say, ‘I’m unhappy. I miss you. I want to see you.’ Then you can reach a workable situation,” Wallman said. “It’s a mistake to second-guess or analyze the other person. Just say what you want.”

Hillary Rich, author of “Get Married Now” (Bob Adams Inc., 1993) and a frequent lecturer at seminars on finding a marriage partner, is less idealistic about long-distance romance and believes saying what you want means “getting off the fence” about where the relationship is headed.

She said she knew a man and a woman who had been using a fax to communicate between New York and Kenya for about five months. They recently met in Africa to decide if the woman could find a job there and join him.

It’s usually jobs that keep married people living apart. An emphasis on career turned Therese Baker’s more than 30-year marriage into a long-distance relationship. The professor of sociology at Cal State San Marcos decided the opportunity to help develop the infant university in 1989 was too promising for her to pass up, even though she and her husband lived on the campus of Stanford University, where he is a history professor.

Baker is now a part of a growing group of people in “commuter marriages.” She makes a round trip weekly by plane from San Francisco to San Diego. She said career options may make this type of relationship more common.

“It’s difficult for people to pursue careers and end up in the same place,” Baker said.

“I don’t think I would have done this when I was younger. I don’t know if I would recommend it for other people,” she added. “For a couple with a good relationship, it doesn’t have an adverse effect. For problematic couples, it probably wouldn’t work.”

Distance can even add some spark to a relationship, Baker added. “It can enhance a marriage. You’re not in this humdrum routine anymore.”

Secure marriages may be able to withstand long distances, but for singles who want to get in close proximity, Rich described some steps to take:

* Come up with a time frame, say six months, that both of you agree on as a deadline to “get off the fence.” You will break up by this date or one of you will move. “If it scares the other person into leaving you, then they weren’t ready for it, and that’s good for you to know,” Rich said.

* Sit down with your long-distance love and discuss each other’s visions of the future. “You may have incompatible lifestyles,” Rich said. “If one of you lives in San Francisco and has a house and likes to have barbecues while the other lives in L.A. and travels and spends little time at home, there could be a big problem when you start living together.”

* Know what each person would be willing to sacrifice--be it job, home, friends--to be together. Rich recalled a couple she knew who met in Japan, where the man was living, and spent two months there together until the woman returned home to Boston. They spent several months writing to each other until the woman decided to find work in Japan and move there. They are now married.

While many people consider long-distance love circumstance rather than choice, there are those who do seek it out. If it becomes a recurring experience, people may want to take a look at themselves and why they continue to make this choice, Rich said.

She was involved in a casual long-distance relationship for five years with a man whom she used as a crutch until she made a vow to get married and decided to rid herself of all dangling relationships to pursue a long-term commitment with someone else.

“Whenever I broke up with somebody, I would call this particular guy. We both dated other people and we thought if worse came to worst, we could marry each other,” Rich said. “But I knew I didn’t want to marry this guy. I called him up and let him go. In order to find the man of my dreams, I needed to close off my back doors.

“Some people are afraid to commit. They’re afraid of the ongoing responsibility of a relationship of close proximity,” she said. “Other people are living out some pattern--they feel more comfortable with familiarity than happiness.”

One woman who attended Rich’s seminar told Rich that she had been in one long-distance affair after another.

“I learned that when she was 10, her parents divorced and her father moved across the country from her,” Rich said. “I discovered a relationship pattern. She learned to love men long distance, re-creating the same pining she’d gone through as a 10-year-old girl. She would even rock herself to sleep crying over these men, just as she’d done with her father.”

The woman recognized her pattern and committed to alter it, Rich said, by resolving to not date anyone from out of town.