LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Comedy writer Michael Connor, on Hill and Bill in Hawaii: “A surfer asked the President if he’d like to hang 10. Clinton quickly reeled off the names of a dozen Republican congressmen.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on the Clintons’ vacation: “They are spending a few days alone and away from everybody. The country insisted on it.”
Hamilton, on founding father Thomas Jefferson: “He said individual initiative is a greater force than any bureaucracy. He’s right. That’s why more airplanes have landed on the White House lawn this year than at Denver International Airport.”
Worried parents in Danville, Ill., believe their teens are not using the cooking wine they are buying to make gourmet meals, but rather to get drunk. The observant parents, says comedy writer Mark Miller, “are also beginning to suspect their teen-age sons are not buying Playboy for the articles.”
How unpopular are the Lakers this year? Comedy writer Tony Peyser reports that they can’t even draw Jack Nicholson impersonators to their home games.
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Hear ye, hear ye: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on talk-show host Ricki Lake’s trespassing arrest:
* “She spent the night in jail, where she entertained fellow inmates with an hourlong show titled: ‘Mug Shot Make-Overs.’ She then welcomed the head chef from the Four Seasons restaurant, who demonstrated how to give humdrum jail meals that festive holiday flair.”
* “The next day, a spokesman for King World announced that Oprah would spend two nights in a Turkish prison. Determined not to become a ratings-war casualty, Donahue announced that he’s consented to be executed at San Quentin.”
Comedy writer Marc A. Holmes, on Ted Koppel being locked up recently as part of a report on prisons: “Dan Rather told Koppel that if he really wanted to see what jail is like, he’d lock him in a room with Connie Chung.”
Jay Leno, on an accident at the O.J. trial: “I guess both Robert Shapiro and Judge Ito saw a TV camera at the same time and collided trying to get there.”
Connor, on proposed workplace ergonomics regulations: “Heidi Fleiss is thrilled: She can finally get some relief for her aching back.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the Pennsylvania man who claims he killed his wife in his sleep: “The defense’s argument is compelling: Most men don’t lift a finger around the house when they’re awake.”
Leno, on the French woman who killed her husband because she said she could no longer stand his flatulence: “You know what is ironic? She could get the gas chamber.”
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One day reader Jo Hadley of Claremont picked up her grandson from nursery school. He showed her around and took her to meet Sparkle, the school’s bunny. When she asked if Sparkle was a boy or a girl, the boy looked at her with a puzzled expression:
“No, I think he’s a rabbit!”