LAUGH LINES : JOKES

In the news: Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on O.J.’s lead attorney, Robert Shapiro, saying the defense would “now take the high road” in its public statements: “He then told Johnnie Cochran Jr. to go see if he could find a Thomas Bros. Guide. . . . Shapiro later announced that he and Cochran would enter a 12-step program for media addicts.”

Comic Argus Hamilton, on conservative Republicans being angered by Sen. Bob Dole’s willingness to compromise with President Clinton on GATT: “Sometimes when you’re in the middle of the road, you get hit by cars going both ways.”

Hamilton, on the CNN poll that shows voters think the GOP will do the best job on the economy, defense, taxes, crime and welfare reform: “The Democrats won out only on the environment. Republicans don’t do yardwork.”

Comic Johnny Robish, on the Jeffrey Dahmer killing: “Officials say the suspect believed he was Jesus Christ and killed Dahmer because Dahmer believed himself the devil. Gee, who would have ever imagined that this would turn into a Bible story?”

Recalling an old joke (“I can’t be overdrawn; I still have checks left”), reader Ken Bash of Malibu says Mike Huffington has given it a new spin: “I can’t have lost the election; I still have money left.”

Jay Leno, on Newt Gingrich writing a novel: “Actually, this is not his first attempt at fiction. That was the Contract With America.”

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Science week: Comedy writer Bob Mills, on discovery of a gene controlling appetites in mice and humans: “That explains why some guys take a girl out to a big, expensive dinner and then act like a rat.”

Stan Kaplan says the gene was easily identified: “It was the only one visible without a microscope.”

Comedy writer Gary Easley says scientists already know how to predict if an unborn baby will grow up to be a lawyer: “But the really hard part is getting its mother to admit that she had sex with Satan.”

Comedy writer Alan Ray, on the study that shows women have more brain cells than men: “In a test of intellect, all the women thought analytically and reflectively. All the men thought about was sex.”

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On rumors of a Michael-Lisa Marie split:

* “There are even more troubling rumors about the Gloved One. Allegations have surfaced that he made improper advances on his inner child.” (Peyser)

* “Lisa Marie’s lawyers told her that if she plans to charge him with adultery, she’ll have to file the charges in Juvenile Court.” (Mills)

* “The good news is that Brooke Shields will have a date for the Grammy Awards after all.” (Leno)

* “The problem is children. She wants them immediately; he likes to buy them dinner first.” (Ray)

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As Richard Simon recited the prayer for lighting the Hanukkah candles-- “Baruch Atah Adonai . . . “ --his 4-year-old son, Andrew, interrupted:

“No, Daddy, not in Spanish.”