LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Jay Leno, on friends of O.J. coming out with a 900 number to try to raise $20 million for his defense: “It’s $2.99 for the first three minutes and 99 cents for each additional minute. You must be over 18 and an idiot to call.”
Comic Argus Hamilton, on Jimmy Carter sending President Clinton a letter detailing his trip to Bosnia: “The White House was tremendously relieved. No one wanted to sit through Carter’s slides.”
Comedy writer Tony Peyser, on eight women filing a class-action suit against Home Depot for alleged sex discrimination: “It appears the company believes a woman’s place is in the home, not the depot.”
Comedy writer Bob Mills says FAA investigators were shocked to discover that “even the wings of the American eagle on the dollar bill have a tendency to ice up.”
Comedy writer Alan Ray, on Christmas Eve: “It’s that time when you see eight reindeer pulling a sleigh. It can only mean one thing: American Eagle has upgraded its fleet.”
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Ho: Among David Letterman’s Top 10 things overheard at the White House Christmas party:
* “It’s so nice to have a President who can play Santa without the padding.”
* “Hey, who invited Nipsey Russell?”
* “So what are you doing to pass the time these days Ms. Elders?”
* “I’ve never seen a wreath made of French fries before.”
* “See if Jimmy Carter can go ‘negotiate’ us another keg of brew.”
* “This party sucks, let’s go to Newt’s.”
Comedy writer Mel Golob says the story of the Three Wise Men confuses him: “I know what gold and frankincense are, but isn’t Myrrh the bald guy from the old ‘Mary Tyler Moore Show’?”
Golob, on Nativity scenes: “I understand that outside Ron Popeil’s house, the wise men are carrying a pasta maker, a Vegematic and a pocket fisherman.”
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Ho, Ho: Rudy and Olga were getting on in years so they decided to leave Russia for America to enjoy a milder winter climate.
One day while looking out the window, Rudy commented to Olga that it was beginning to rain outside. Knowing her husband’s eyesight was not what it once was, she asked, “Are you sure it’s raining, dear?” He bellowed back:
“Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear.”
-- John Carvaly
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Ho, Ho, Ho: Reader Kathy Brown of San Juan Capistrano was in a toy store with daughter Meagan, 8, when the girl spotted a Playmobile castle set. Since Meagan already had inherited a number of sets from older siblings, Mom explained that Dad would kill her if she brought any others into the house. Meagan shrewdly replied:
“But he wouldn’t kill Santa, would he? “