‘90s FAMILY : The Dating Dilemma : Learning to Mix Family With Pleasure

To achieve a successful mix of single parenthood and dating, experts offer the following suggestions:

* Enlist the help of another adult--a relative, friend or highly recommended nanny--to become a fun and familiar surrogate when you’re on a date or looking for one. If you know another single parent, arrange to swap caretaking duties. “Single parents have more difficulty disciplining their children because they don’t have the extra help of another adult,” sociologist Les B. Whitbeck said. “It’s not because they’re bad parents.”

* For parents of teen-agers, establish dating rules that distinguish between adult- and teen-appropriate behaviors. For example, an adult boyfriend can spend the night, a teen boyfriend can’t. “Explain behaviors in terms of drinking or smoking. In your household, it’s illegal (for the child) to drink, smoke or have sex,” Whitbeck said. “But also remember, it’s not convincing if you’re a chain-smoking parent telling a child not to smoke. Similarly, a parent’s promiscuity says a lot to a child.”

* Look out for child manipulation. Kids are smart. They know how to make a parent feel guilty. So if a 14-year-old gives you a dirty look as you sit in your date’s arms, “realize that (the couple) can snuggle on the couch with no negative effects to the child,” Whitbeck said. If you relent by untangling, the child learns how to control the relationship.

“All kids can get bratty, especially if they’re adjusting to a divorce,” said Whitbeck, also suggesting that the parent consider the child’s age. For instance, “those 13 and under could be blaming themselves for the divorce.” And those older could just be acting like normal, moody teen-agers.

* Regardless of a child’s age or behavior, the dating parent “should always talk honestly with the child about her feelings,” said Phyllis Lieber, co-author of “Grown-Up Children, Grown-Up Parents: Opening the Door to Healthy Relationships Between Parents and Adult Children” (Birch Lane Press, 1994). “Parents need to be open about their feelings too.”

They must also listen, added Annette Merkur Schwartz, another co-author. “A lot of parents have the tendency to pooh-pooh a child’s concern,” she said. “This denigrates him. Even if you don’t agree with what the child is saying, listen. Show respect.”

* Do not expose your child to different dates during a short period of time, psychologist Stuart Greenberg said. “It’s unsettling for a child to have adults coming in and going out of his life,” he said. “First, it’s best to figure out your relationship. Wait until it’s continuous before letting him know about the partner. Then introduce them in an innocuous meeting, like at a restaurant or park. It’s good to make this a daytime event. Continue with these gatherings until the child feels more comfortable.”

* Be cautious before allowing a date to sleep over, Greenberg said. “Go slowly. Children have to get to know the person in a gradual way. They have to feel comfortable. Think of it as a series of steps.”

* Sometimes, Greenberg said, couples divorce because one of them acknowledges a preference for a same-sex partner. “This is an additional adjustment for children,” he said. “Be patient. This makes the situation more difficult. But not impossible.”

* Be sensitive when a child wants to sleep in your bed. It’s normal. It’s even OK occasionally. Often, a child is afraid of being abandoned. She’ll feel secure in Mom’s bed, knowing that she will wake up when Mom comes in, and all will be safe and sound. Or a child is nervous about sex. He doesn’t want to share you with anyone. In his mind, sleeping in your bed is a way to prevent you from becoming physically intimate with your partner. In either case, parents and children need to talk about it.

Tine Thevenin, author of “The Family Bed” (Avery, 1987), suggested that a parent wean a child from the parent’s bed to the child’s by tucking the child in his bed and lying with him until he falls asleep.

* Most important, all experts said, show and constantly reassure the child that you love him.