‘90s FAMILY : The Dating Dilemma : It was never easy being a single parent--and things just got a little harder. New studies show that Mom or Dad’s courtship habits directly influence a child’s outlook on sex and love.
An honest smile. An “I love you, Mommy.” A hug. A kiss. Pause. “What’s a slut? Mommy, are you a slut?”
Nausea rocked Mommy’s body. She pulled her only child closer, wondering what had provoked her 8-year-old daughter, but too terrified to know. Hours later, she did. Apologies sputtered from the neighbor whose son had taunted the girl for having a mom he called a slut.
Tears stung the raw cheeks of the 28-year-old single mother from Santa Monica. Her mind dizzied with confusion, with thoughts about ruining her daughter’s life because she dates about three times a week, because she enjoys inviting men to spend the night.
“I feel like I don’t know what I’m doing,” she said, recounting that recent day in whining whispers. “I love my (daughter), but I need my adult life too. How do I do that without being a bad parent?”
With balance, experts answered. Communicate. Be patient. Organize. Set priorities.
If only it were that simple for the nation’s increasing single-parent population. Two recent studies confirmed what most single-parents already suspected: Erratic dating can speed children’s sexual development and warp their approach to romantic love as adults.
A UC Davis study, published in September, showed that environment, rather than genetics, influences an adult’s style when it comes to romantic relationships; for example, a preference for multiple partners or valuing friendship more than sex.
And a study from Iowa State University found that a single mother’s dating behavior can sway teen sons into early sexual experimentation and relax teen daughters’ attitudes about promiscuity.
But despite the studies’ bleakness, experts said there is good news: It’s important for single parents to date.
“I might even say it’s crucial,” said Les B. Whitbeck, associate professor of sociology at Iowa State and co-researcher of the second study, released last summer. It’s crucial because half of the country’s marriages end in divorce and almost three-quarters of teen-agers have sex, he said.
Children “need to see a (single) parent model caring and responsible relationships,” Whitbeck said, acknowledging that this is also true in two-parent households. “This is how (children) learn to become caring and responsible.”
In terms of physical intimacy, Whitbeck said the responsibility is greater on a single parent. “Most children are not aware of their parents’ sexuality. A lot of times, it’s hard for them to imagine that their parents have sex. But when Mom (or Dad) dates, it becomes more observable.”
Everything becomes more noticeable, said psychologist Michael Schulman, co-author of “Bringing Up a Moral Child: A New Approach for Teaching Your Child to Be Kind, Just and Responsible” (Doubleday, 1994). As early as age 4, children scrutinize--and do they ever--the date and how their parents interact with the date, including the most mundane verbal or body communication.
“It’s important for parents to remember that, foremost, they’re parents, and that’s how they should act,” said Schulman, also chairman of Columbia University’s Seminar on Moral Education. “Most children eventually lose respect for (dating) parents who act like teen-agers.”
Moms and dads who are single because of divorce or a spouse’s death are the most prone to acting this way, said lawyer David L. Levy, president of Children’s Rights Council, a nonprofit group in Washington, D.C.
“This is all new to them. Parents who’ve always been single have had a longer time to get used to it,” said Levy, editor of “The Best Parent Is Both Parents: A Guide to Shared Parenting in the 21st Century” (Hampton Roads Publishing, 1994). “But for any adult, parenting and dating can be overwhelming.”
It sounds intimidating when experts explain possible negative effects. For example, a dating parent can stunt children’s development, trapping them in perpetual immaturity. A mother who’s giddy around her mate is teaching her daughter to build a personality facade before going on a date. A man who publicly ogles his love-interest’s body or BMW is encouraging his son to pursue a plastic lifestyle.
Experts also pointed to the potential positives of parental dating: for instance, another role model for the child, increased financial support and a happier parent, who would be miserable without adult companionship and intimacy.
The pros and the cons of dating constantly swirl inside Mark Tomaino’s head. “Some days, I want to find a partner,” said the 33-year-old Anaheim resident, a single father to Crystal, 8. “Other days, I think it’s easier to keep things as they are.”
Then he hears Crystal’s delight as she quizzed Tomaino about--and in front of--one of his recent dates. “She ran up to me and said, ‘Daddy do you like her? Are you going to marry her? She’s pretty, Daddy. Don’t you think she’s pretty?’ Crystal was so happy,” Tomaino recalled.
Then he thinks about all the women who dislike dating a man with a kid. “So I first have to find someone and then figure out how she feels about kids. I’d like to meet a single mother but it’s so hard to find them, except at Chuck E. Cheese’s and, oh, what a pain.
“It’s so hard to find balance that dating sometimes seems more like work than fun.”
Parents should enjoy dating, said Iowa State’s Whitbeck, “as long as they remember their responsibility to their children.”
Especially when it comes to sex. A 1987 study found that recently divorced mothers, adjusting from married to single life, are at their peak in promiscuity; consequently, so are their teen daughters. Experts speculated that this would also be true for fathers and sons.
“When parents date, it is the one area in human development where the parent and the child are going through the same process,” Whitbeck said. “Both feel anxiety. Both study each other,” although children are more impressionable.
Sometimes, keeping lips sealed about sex can be difficult for parents who matured during and after the sexual revolution, added Stuart Greenberg, a forensic psychologist and a clinical faculty member at the University of Washington in Seattle. “Society now says it’s OK to be open.”
Shelly Vanterpool, 34, is “never” shy. Ask the Long Beach nurse intimate details about her personal life and, most likely, she’ll tell you. “I’ve always been an open person,” she said. “Very open.”
She hopes her children--Ayla, 7, and German, 5--will continue to be open, especially with her. But since she became a mother, Vanterpool decided to shroud her love relationships in privacy. “When I dated, I never let my kids see me in bed with a man. I wanted to teach them that friendship and love are more important than sex. I also didn’t want them to hear other people talking about my sex life.
“I figured that it’s up to me to set a good example for my kids,” said Vanterpool, newly wed to Curtis Vanterpool, whom she dated for two years.
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But even as adults, children often squirm when a parent starts talking about sex with a significant other, said Gloria S. Murphy, co-author of “Grown-up Children, Grown-up Parents: Opening the Door to Healthy Relationships Between Parents and Adult Children” (Birch Lane Press, 1994). And even as adults, children can still struggle when talking casually about a parent’s love relationship.
“You’re always your parent’s child,” she said. “Seeing a parent with someone else can leave an adult child feeling confused and dislodged.”
Jill Copeland, 26, knows this is true for children of all ages. Ever since her mom divorced two decades ago and eventually began dating, Copeland said she grapples with “the same territorial feelings, like he’s taken over my spot in my mom’s life.”
“I remember being totally rude” to the man in her mom’s life, Copeland said. “I always hoped that would make him go away. Later, I’d feel so guilty about being so rude.”
Copeland’s attitude didn’t thrill her mom, Myra. “But I understood how Jill felt,” said Myra, 58, whose mother married four times. “I always made sure Jill knew that dating wouldn’t change my love for her.”
Fortunately, Copeland’s feelings have simmered--mostly they’ve disappeared--in the last six out of seven years that Myra has been married to Elden Pauling. Copeland attributed this to sharing a Culver City home with them. “You have no choice but to get to know a person you’re living with.
“I also like Elden, he’s a good person and . . , “ said the single mother of 7-year-old Jasmine. She paused. And then laughed. “I now know what it was like for Mom.”
Jasmine also giggles as she explained her position on parent dating: “If I get to sleep in Mom’s bed then it’s OK for her to go out.”
