LAUGH LINES

More Like Sweetness and Blight

Hear ye, hear ye, the Laugh Lines Supreme Court has ruled. The top 10 entries (from more than 750 participants) in the Reader Caption Contest for the “Sugarplum Fairy” photo are:

10. (Tie) Mrs. Doubtfire: The Ballet. (Glenn R. Souza, L.A.)

10. (Tie) For fashion and runway models, the waif look is no longer in style. (Scott Greene, Lake Elsinore)

9. After viewing “The Nutcracker,” feminist majority groups have vowed to review gender-neutral hiring practices. (Dave Sutton, L.A.)

8. “How many times do I have to do this before Sally Jesse calls?” (Jacqueline Hirtz, L.A.)

7. “Russian ballerinas accused of steroid use. Film at 11.” (Ron Morales, San Gabriel)

6. Another example of why inbreeding must stop within the Royal Family. (Keith Quinlivan, Long Beach)

5. Bob, the youngest and decidedly lesser-known Wright brother. (Jonathan Koons, Valley Village)

4. “Why yes, Mr. Citron, you do look particularly light on your feet today,” said the Merrill Lynch salesman, as he very slowly pushed the short-term debentures contract forward on the table. (Jack Junttila)

3. Due to public funding cuts, PBS is forced to replace “Sesame Street” with “Swan Lake . . . Live from Chino Men’s Prison.” (Allan Pfeifer, L.A.)

2. The dark side of Prozac. Story on Page A3. (Jeff Coffaro, Downey)

1. Although frequently maligned as an unyielding brute, J. Edgar Hoover also had his moments of quiet grace. (Ron Renauld, Calabasas)

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All winners receive a Laugh Lines “Certified Humor Master” T-shirt. Renauld also receives two tickets to the Comedy Store.

These May Catch the Eye of Newt

Y’all had a good time pokin’ a little fun at The Newt, didn’ ya?

Laugh Lines’ “Certified Humor Master” T-shirts go to the Top 10 entries (plus two Comedy Store tickets to winner Jack Cooper). Also from us: a hearty thanks to all who jammed our fax machine or trusted the mail.

10. “I thought that stuff only worked on fat thighs.” (Marvin J. Wolf, L.A.)

9. “Next time you’re going to put your foot in your mouth, take off your golf shoes!” (Joe Williams, Dana Point)

8. “It’s happened again, Newt. You pulled another muscle in your lip.” (James J. Morgan, San Pedro)

7. “ Love the smell of malathion in the morning.” (Jack Mathews, Whittier)

6. “Mmmmmm-mmmm! Nothing goes with Democrats like Fava beans and a nice Chianti.” (Alex Zamm, Venice)

5. Newt Gingrich holds still as the last bit of Republican Teflon is applied to his head. (Albert Cardenas, L.A.)

4. “Doctor, I can’t hold it together any longer! His body is rejecting the donor conscience! He’s gonna blow! “ (Johna L. Machak/Debra Robins)

3. “Come on, Newt, open up. Just try one bite of Big Bird. He tastes just like chicken!” (Enrico Topazio, Culver City)

2. “Nah--I cut myself shaving welfare.” (Deborah Spector, L.A.)

1. “See how easy it goes on, Mr. Gingrich? And we at Revlon are prepared to pay you $4.5 million if you’ll just endorse it as the ‘Compact for America.’ ” (Jack Cooper, L.A.)

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A judges’ special award (yep, a T-shirt) goes to Meryl J. Wamhoff of Quartz Hill for his fine caption that combined both “The Newt” and “Sugar Plum Fairy” pictures: “Connie, I get an apology or I play hard ball. I have this picture of your dad dancing ‘The Nutcracker.’ ”