Gift Tips: Aim for Soul, Not Just Heart
This Valentine’s Day, while everyone else scurries to the store for chocolates, flowers and cards, relationships experts suggest doing something out of the ordinary. Embrace the true spirit of The Day and give that special someone a one-of-a-kind gift from the heart that took time, imagination and forethought, such as re-creating your first date or writing a poem.
When most people recall highlights in their lives, it’s usually not material gifts they remember fondly, says Newport Beach licensed clinical social worker Alexandra Rosenberg. “Special moments with loved ones touch the heart in a way that no material gift ever could,” she says.
To plan a gift from the heart for that special someone, keep a few things in mind.
* Give your partner something he or she wants, not what you want him or her to want, says marriage, family, child counselor Bruce Fredenburg, who has offices in Laguna Hills and Newport Beach.
“Instead of finding out what their partner wants to do, people become absorbed in what they want to do for him or her,” says Kim Hancock, a marriage, family, child counselor with KAH & Associates in Tustin. “People usually tell each other what they’d like, but they don’t listen to one another.”
David Juroe, a psychologist at Yorba Park Medical Clinic in Orange, says he gets a lot of cues from his wife as to what she’d like to do. “We’ll be out somewhere and she’ll mention that it would be fun to try something; I take notice.”
* If you aren’t sure what your partner would really like, ask.
“A gift from the heart doesn’t have to be a surprise to be of value,” says Fredenburg. “Many people would rather have something they want, rather than a surprise they don’t care about.”
* Don’t use the excuse that you’re not creative.
“When people say they can’t think of anything to do because they have no imagination, that’s really (a sign that they are) unconcerned or (a sign of) pure laziness,” says Juroe. “Everyone can come up with something. If they need to, they can ask a friend for ideas or consult a book.”
To get you started, relationship experts offer the following gift-from-the-heart suggestions:
* Make a cassette tape with your partner’s favorite songs and special messages from you and put it in his or her car on Valentine’s Day with a note.
* Create a coupon book that entitles your loved one to various treats such as a back rub, breakfast in bed, a morning to sleep in without interruptions, a special home-cooked meal or a promise to do one of his or her least favorite chores.
* Surprise your partner with a candlelight bubble bath.
* Instead of mass-marketed Valentine’s cards that everyone else is giving, write a poem or letter that expresses your love and gratitude.
* Make an appointment for your partner to have his or her heart checked.
* Do something that you dislike, but your partner loves. For instance, if your loved one is a football or ballet fan, and you aren’t, take him or her to a game or performance.
* Write “I love you” across the bathroom mirror.
* Read a favorite book aloud to your partner.
* Walk or drive to one of your partner’s favorite places and have a picnic.
* Act as a chauffeur and take your loved one wherever he or she wants to go for the day or evening.
* Create an experience for your partner that he or she has always wanted to do.
* Sit down, face-to-face without a table or other barrier and tell your partner what you really love about him or her. Then share your goals and deepest dreams.
* Vow to actively listen to your partner’s feelings, whether good or bad.
* Promise to spend 15 to 30 minutes a day talking with your partner with no distractions, such as television or children.
* Admit your responsibility in a problem that has created a stand-off between the two of you. Suggest a solution and stick to your end of the bargain.
* Try out a new and unexpected behavior on your partner. For instance, if you tend to be opinionated, hold your tongue. Or if you have problems showing affection, make an extra effort to give lots of hugs.
* Talk to your spouse like you would a stranger you’re trying to impress. Use a soft, lowered voice and endearing terms.
* Cater to the child within your partner. Instead of seeing him or her as a 45-year-old, picture the 5-year-old boy or girl he or she once was and provide extra special treatment.
* Remember the person you fell in love with by sitting for 20 minutes with him or her and not say a word. This allows you to communicate nonverbally, rather than marring the mood with inevitable talk of problems of the day and essential family business.
* Make Valentine’s Day an everyday occurrence. Give gifts of the self throughout the year. They are much more profound on an average day when your partner doesn’t expect anything.
