LAUGH LINES : Jokes
In the news: Jay Leno, on surgeon general nominee Henry Foster: “Though he’s in trouble, President Clinton’s standing behind him, but that’s not how it always happens. First, he stands in front with the nomination. Then, he stands beside them. Eventually, he slowly backs away. . . .”
Comedy writer R.J. Johnson, on the baseball strike: “Clinton should use his real weapon, the IRS, to tell them, ‘Settle now or it’s audits for everybody.’ ”
Cutler Rock Comedy Network, on jail-bound Darryl Strawberry: “He failed to report income earned at card shows. Remember when they just came with bubble gum instead of prison terms?” Adds comedy writer Alan Ray: “Now, if he goes over the wall, guards will shoot him.”
Comic Jenny Church, on the French cave paintings: “Pigments used were first chewed and then spit out. It’s the perfect hobby for striking baseball players.”
Comedy writer Kevin S. Healey, on the Saab 9000 wiring hazards: “Power windows and locks freeze and cabins fill with noxious smoke. They suggest turning up the stereo and pretending you’re at a Pink Floyd show.”
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Quaylespin: “Dan Quayle’s decision not to run for President in ’96 has people thinking they underestimated his intelligence.” (Warren Lavender)
* “Finding a running mate was a problem. Jim Carrey and Forrest Gump turned him down.” (Paul Ryan)
* “Since the announcement, comedy club flags are flying at half-staff.” (Cutler Rock Comedy Network)
* “He won’t run, despite promises of hefty donations from Leno, David Letterman and Conan O’Brien.” (Tony Peyser)
* “Though he’s passing now, he told reporters not to count him out in the ’98 presidential race.” (Bob Mills)
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Cirque du O.J.: “LAPD officers testified they followed the book while investigating the mansion, except for playing two sets of tennis while waiting for the forensic team.” (Brad Halpern)
* “An anonymous publisher confirmed that Kato the Akita is working on a book with Barbara Bush.” (Mills)
* “It’s going to be tough to get all 12 of the jurors to Brentwood in time. Bus tours are booked solid for the next six months.” (Argus Hamilton)
* “Johnnie Cochran’s new witness will counter the testimony of the dog. The unnamed poodle spotted Kato schmoozing at Starbucks with four spaniels wearing caps on the night in question.” (Halpern)
* “The prosecution’s shown that O.J. could be friendly one minute and mean the next. The defense plans to counter with the Almond Joy alibi: ‘Sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you don’t.’ ” (Johnson)
* “How many stupid pet tricks does a circus need? Kato and the white Bronco headlining the dog and pony show isn’t enough. Now they’ve brought in a plaintiff whale.” (J.B. Schiller)
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Studio City reader Dee Stratton took granddaughter Noelle, 6, to see her first ballet. Shortly before the intermission, the little girl leaned over and asked her grandmother:
“Isn’t anybody ever going to say anything?”
* SEND US A LINE: Got a joke or funny story? Send it to Laugh Lines, a syndicated feature, by fax, (213) 237-0732, or mail, Life & Style, The Times, Times Mirror Square, Los Angeles, Calif. 90053.