COMMITMENTS : Letting Go of a Dream to Find True Love

I’m going to let you in on a closely guarded secret. A woman’s secret. Why would I do this? Because for too long men have been seen as the problem in relationships.

Books like “Men Who Can’t Love,” “Cold Feet: Why Men Don’t Commit,” “What to Do When He Won’t Change,” “Men Who Hate Women and the Women Who Love Them,” “Successful Women, Angry Men” and “How to Love a Difficult Man” all blame men for the failure of relationships.

But there is another side to this picture.

Women are stereotypically depicted as emotionally available and skilled with intimacy. It’s simply not true. Women are just as limited and confused about love as men. In fact, most women are allergic to genuine love, preferring instead the aura of romance.

Like most women, I grew up believing in the romantic myth of Prince Charming--the perfect knight in shining armor who would sweep me off my feet, carry me to his bed, make passionate love and propose marriage. He would be tall, dark and blindingly handsome. His elegant sophistication would be offset by the dangerous glint in his eye. We would live in wealth and happiness forever and ever.

Like most teen-age girls, my friends and I wept listening to the throbbing heartache of our favorite love ballads. We thrilled to the adventure of driving past the cutest boys’ homes, hoping and fearing that we’d be seen.

I sat through biology classes dreaming I would be rescued from a plane crash in the deep African jungle by my Tarzan, who then, of course, would pledge his undying devotion to only me.

It was all so intense, so dangerous, so frightening and exhilarating--sooooooo romantic .

Despite the powerful impact of feminism, mothers still pass on some version of the recipe for romance. Although today’s language may be a little different, the messages remain the same:

* Play hard to get--men love a challenge.

* Don’t reveal too much about yourself--men love a mystery.

* Never beat a man in sports or cards--men need to feel like the winner.

* Build up a man’s ego--especially in public.

* Don’t be so outspoken--men don’t like opinionated women.

Perhaps most importantly to Prince Charming hunters, mothers also include the caveat: “It’s just as easy to love a rich man.”

I learned to play the game perfectly, catering to each man I dated. I was always a “good date.” I smiled and listened, smiled and listened and then, at my doorstep, I gushed, “Thank-you so very much. I’ve had a very special time with you.”

As a young woman, I would accept his kiss. Later, sex was part of the arrangement--hoping and praying that, somehow, my date would turn into the fabulous prince under the magic of our embrace. My relationships could last for months, fueled by my need for the miracle.

It never happened.

Often I continued an affair because I didn’t want to hurt the man’s feelings. Although he could have my body, secretly, I wasn’t available. My heart belonged to Prince Charming. And always, no matter how good the man was, I left him in pursuit of my dream.

So, I spent many dates, many years, crushingly disappointed. The men I met never matched my expectations. It made no difference that they were talented, successful, intelligent or world-wise. That they were good men, caring friends, terrific lovers was irrelevant, sometimes irritating. Real men weren’t what I was looking for. I rejected each one who loved me.

“Not good enough,” was my secret mantra. “Someday he’ll show up.”

Sweet suffering for a fantasy of perfect, problem-free love became preferable to the everyday discomforts and difficulties of actual relationships.

I can only imagine how many men have suffered the kind of rejection I describe. How many have asked, “What am I doing wrong?” when often the answer was “being human.”

How can any ordinary man compete when he’s secretly compared to a woman’s perfect fantasy lover?

Worse yet, men are also deeply susceptible to the Prince Charming myth. They have been raised to provide, protect and care for the “weaker sex.”

In misguided attempts at playing the Prince, they find themselves repeatedly attracted to dependent or troubled women seemingly in need of rescue. For example, many men still believe it’s their responsibility to bring a woman to orgasm. That can only produce disaster. If she doesn’t want to surrender, there’s nothing he can do about it.

*

While the story line of ecstasy, wealth, status and perfect happiness yields drama and excitement in movies and romance novels, it is guaranteed to ultimately drive both men and women crazy because it can never lead to mutual respect, love and fulfillment.

I feel sad and sorry for all the good men who have been used and rebuffed by me and my fellow “romance addicts.” I’m ashamed that their honest and imperfect love was bludgeoned by the unconscious fascination with the famous, dangerous, impossible-to-find Prince Charming.

It’s men who are branded with “won’t commit,” as if all women were ready, willing and available for committed, surrenderful love. Don’t believe it.

If anything, many women are even more terrified of commitment--because, in their unconscious heart of hearts, they know that a real relationship would require them to abandon the perfect love of their dreams in favor of an imperfect, regular guy who, by the way, sometimes needs to be reminded to get his hair cut and forgets where he put his car keys.

Many women try desperately not to face the responsibilities of real love--clinging passionately to the dream of perfect, redeeming romance.

When I finally became a “recovering romantic,” I was able to create a fulfilling and loving relationship with a real man--my husband of seven years, James Sniechowski.

Only as a “recovering romantic” was I able to accept that men were my equals, not put on Earth to rescue helpless fantasy-driven women.