COMMUNITY ESSAY : ‘I Fantasized About Having a Baby’ : A teen-ager, torn by an unplanned pregnancy, decides on open adoption.

I discovered I was pregnant May 7 from a home pregnancy test. A week later, further testing at the county health department showed that I was five weeks along.

At first I was filled with worry and shock. Then I began to cry. I was scared. I thought neither of the consequences nor of my future.

My boyfriend, Marty, was also shocked--and disappointed. He had been married once and already had a child. He knew how hard it was to have a child when you’re young. He told me that we weren’t ready and that I was especially too young for this. He had quite a hard time with his first wife and child.

I tuned him out and would not listen. I fantasized about having a baby to love, a home to take care of, a yard to play in, and a family. But I was in 11th grade and only 16 years old. Marty was 19 and brought hame $300 a week. He still lived with his mother and I with my father.

I was too frightened to tell my dad about my pregnancy right away. He isn’t the kindest or most understanding father in the world. But I didn’t have to tell him. One day while I was at school, my stepmother, as usual, went through my things and found the health department’s pregnancy report. The next morning, as I was walking out the door on my way to school, my dad asked about the paper and held it up. I told him it was true and he cried.

A few weeks later, my dad and I got into a fight while Marty was out of town on a job. My father had been drinking. After he passed out, I went to my mother’s house an hour away. When Marty returned to town, he came and got me. With my mother’s signature, two days later, we were married.

The second month of my pregnancy was the last month of 11th grade. An ultrasound showed I was carrying a girl. We picked out the name Arian Raylynn--Raylynn being a combination of our middle names. We talked to her, caressed my stomach, and sometimes at night, Marty even kissed her and told her good night. All this, in the long run, just made things harder on us. I became increasingly attached to her, and decided during the summer not to go to 12th grade.

Before long, though, Marty persuaded me that I would not be ready for a baby for quite a few years. I would like to finish high school, go to college and find myself a stable job. Marty would like additional schooling and also a better job. We know you must be financially secure to raise a child. We wanted a better life for our child than we could provide.

By the end of October I began to think about adoption, but decided not do it. Then a few weeks later. I thought about it again and decided that adoption would be in the best interests of all three of us.

After one trip to California that didn’t work out, I decided upon a fantastic couple in Los Angeles just a month before delivery.

Some people ask why I got pregnant in the first place if I didn’t plan to keep the baby. It’s a hard question. My pregnancy wasn’t planned but after it occurred I decided that I’d rather do something emotionally difficult and give her a chance than to abort and give her no chance at all.

It’s now three weeks since I gave birth to the most beautiful baby girl in the world. Marty and I both held her the morning after delivery. We made sure all the fingers and toes were there. We got to see her a few days later at the adoptive parents’ home. I got to feed her and burp her. I couldn’t imagine having a closed adoption (where adoptive parents and birth mother don’t know each other.) I would have gone crazy had I not picked her parents and gotten to be a part of her life.

When I saw the adoptive parents hold her and talk to her it amazed me at how much they love her too. I know that she will have a wonderful life with her parents.