COMMITMENTS : Invitation to Disaster? : Few of us like surprises. Which is why even fewer of us like the idea of being surprised by a party.
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âGuess what?â says the conspiratorial voice on the phone. âIâm throwing a surprise party for Joanneâs 40th. Her husband and I are doing it. Weâre inviting ab-so-lute-ly everyone she knows. Donât breathe a word!â
But the friend in question hates surprises. If anyone fussed over her birthday, she said last week, sheâd shove their satin shoes in the clam dip.
So, do you call and warn her? Or just show up and wait, one of 50 furniture-crouching guests poised like an army of jacks-in-the-box, ready to pop up and yell Surprise! when she walks in, unsuspecting, underdressed, her teeth maybe under-brushed?
Not that this is the moral dilemma of the decade, or anything. Itâs just a little party--right?
Well, sort of.
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In the annals of social interaction, there may be no quirkier mystery than what the birthday gods were up to when they created the surprise party, the deceptively simple ritual that unearths the unexpected.
The biggest surprise is finding out how well your nearest and dearest really know you.
At first, it seems like a perfect idea. Imagine: Clam dip just so, breathless guests waiting. Guest of honor walks in expecting to find one friend and a take-out pizza, but instead finds a This-Is-Your-Life love fest. The sheer joy of it! The tears. The hugs. The humble refrain, âI canât believe you all did this--just for me!â
That party has happened about three times in history.
What happens those other times? Weâll tell you, but donât breathe a word!
The Hold-Everything Scenario:
âThe surprise party for my uncleâs 50th birthday was probably the worst experience of my life,â says a 36-year-old woman whose favorite uncle had lied for years about his age. âMy husband and I drove down with a car full of trays of lasagna, champagne and a Carmen Miranda cake for 60.
âMy uncle comes home from work--an hour early. He starts screaming, âWhat are you doing? I told you I didnât want a party! How could you do this to me?â
âForty-five minutes before the party, I had to call everyone and tell them not to come. We packed the Carmen Miranda cake and lasagna, drove to a friendâs house and ate lasagna. We had lasagna for months.â
That was eight years ago. The result: Uncle and niece love each other dearly, but still canât talk about lasagna.
The Oops Scenario:
âMy mother was having a surprise party at our house for my 16th birthday,â says a 22-year-old Arlington, Va., graduate student. âI was at a girlfriendâs house after school. She was supposed to stall me. At 4, I said, âI have to go home and study.â She kept saying things like, âWhy donât we try this fabulous new dual-shade eye shadow and hair dye?â I was like, âNo, I really have to go.â
âFinally, she just looked at me and said, âYou canât go. Weâre having a surprise party for you.â I said, âOops.â
âThe awful part was trying to act surprised when we got there. I kept practicing in the mirror: âOooh! Iâm soooo surprised!â I felt ridiculous. All I remember is thinking how crushed my mother would have been if she found out I knew.â
The result: She will never give a surprise party.
The Friendly Warning Scenario:
âA good friend called and said, âI feel morally obligated to tell you this: (A mutual friend) is planning a surprise birthday dinner for you,â â says a 44-year-old Minneapolis legal writer.
âIt put all the worry on me, like who was or wasnât invited, but not being able to do anything about it. In retrospect, Iâm glad I knew instead of being blindsided. I walked into this fancy restaurant, trying to look wonderfully happy, but thinking, âI feel so horrible all these people had to spend all this money on overpriced lamb shanks.â It was weird.â
That was six months ago. The result: âI still havenât recovered.â
Surprise!
The trouble is not a particular cake, setting or guest list, surprise-party survivors say. It is, rather, what those details add up to.
It starts with the element of surprise itself, a thing nature abhors. Itâs why Jolly Good Fellow has been known to walk into a room unawares, see a blur of faces, eat a few potato chips, and spend the whole evening feeling like a passenger on an aging commuter jet whose pilot is having a bad hair day.
âThe recipient is completely out of control but may not know it,â says Judith Sills, a Philadelphia psychologist and author of several books on human interaction.
âPeople go through the world with a basic sense of what to expect. Being suddenly placed in an environment where whatâs going on hasnât been processed by the brain causes a sensory shift.â
Rule One: Make sure the recipient enjoys surprises.
âThat person is really put on the spot. Everyoneâs watching to see how they react,â says Cal State Fullerton psychologist Jinni Harrigan, a social-interaction expert. âIf the person is depressed, going through a major transition or socially phobic, maybe itâs not such a good idea. You donât want someone running out of the room screaming.â
Or even secretly wishing they werenât there.
âIf I had to do it over again, I would have liked to have known what I was getting into,â says a Bay Area grade-school teacher who had planned to spend her 50th birthday in quiet reflection.
Her husband and friends, âin a total act of love,â planned a surprise gathering of out-of-town family, new friends, old friends, childhood friends, parents of students, the works. She wore flimsy sandals, expecting to show up, say hello and leave a party for someone else.
She entered a concrete-floored museum. The sandal-concrete combo killed her surgery-weary feet. She had to slip in and out of personas from various stages of life. She managed to say something that truly offended one of the friends whoâd planned the party. She was a wreck.
âI think I slipped into menopause and never recovered,â she says.
Rule Two: Think about why it needs to be a surprise in the first place.
The reason we give surprise parties, experts say, may be rooted in our own species-wide ambivalence about asking to be the center of attention. Somewhere, deep in that imperfect psyche, we feel undeserving; maybe even unable to name 20 people we think would give a royal hoot. Other people, we figure, must feel that way too.
âGiving a surprise party can allow someone who loves you to satisfy that piece of you that secretly wishes for it while that more boisterous part says, âOh no, no, no, I hate parties, I donât want one,â â says psychologist Sills. âItâs about me fulfilling that unspoken desire you may have.â
Itâs simple: You say you donât want a party, so I think you really do. Because when I say I donât, I mean I do. So the party for you is really because . . . I want one.
Rule Three: Donât forget whose party it is.
The event itself, through nobodyâs malice, can grow into something far out of sync with the needs or desires of the person being honored. âItâs like the person gets lost in the shuffle,â says the honoree with the flimsy-sandaled feet.
And thatâs when the real surprise sets in. Your honoree looks around the room at a crowd she wouldnât have chosen and food she wouldnât have served in a place she wouldnât have gone to. She realizes, to her horror, that either her loved ones donât know much about her, or, if they do, theyâve forgotten what it was.
Says Sills: âThe issue is not, âI hate surprises,â but rather, âWhat youâre doing is outside my comfort zone.â â
The secret to giving a surprise party that works? Says psychologist Harrigan: âYou have to be truly sensitive to the person youâre honoring.â
But thereâs a final hitch. If something does go wrong and the honoree ends up in a tailspin, the party-givers may not ever know. Nobody would breathe a word.
So itâs clear. The only honorable thing to do: Call to warn your friend about the impending surprise.
âGuess what?â you say.
âI know,â she confides. âThree people have told me. The party sounds wonderful. When itâs time to open the champagne, call me. Iâll be in--surprise!--Jamaica.â