A Child-Care Option You Can Live With

Expecting twins a few years ago, Suzanne decided live-in help would be her best child-care option. While the concept was a good one, finding the right person wasn’t easy.

“I had 11 different nannies in the first three years,” said Suzanne, 42, who works in health care and asked that her real name not be used.

“It was awful. As soon as I finished training someone, she would quit for one reason or another. I thought I’d never find someone loyal.”

Finally, when her twins were almost 3, Suzanne found a live-in who fit perfectly into her Orange County home and is still there four years later.

“My current nanny is highly motivated, dependable and consistent,” said Suzanne.

Today Suzanne, her husband and children consider the live-in part of their family.

“While she is extremely respectful of us, she is also a definite part of the family,” said Suzanne. “When I’m not working, we eat dinner together. She really fits in.”

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When it comes to locating a live-in, some families go through a few people before they find the right fit, said Lake Forest-based Kimberly Porrazzo, author of “The Nanny Kit” and the Southern California Nanny News newsletter.

“Finding the right nanny is almost like choosing a marriage partner,” said Porrazzo, who also conducts monthly seminars on locating a live-in helper. “As a resident of the house, the nanny must be compatible with the whole family, including pets.”

While the relationship between the live-in helper and parents should be a friendly employee-employer relationship, the line is not so distinct as in the traditional workplace, said Susan Felix, owner of Molly’s Nanny in Newport Beach.

“The nanny and family need to mesh,” said Felix. “If the family is quiet and conservative and likes to stay indoors on the weekends, they need a nanny who will feel comfortable with that. A more active family would be better suited for a nanny who likes outdoor sports and activities.”

Live-ins are nothing new. In years past, they were generally used by more affluent families. Today, however, because both parents may be working outside the home and many have erratic, unpredictable work schedules, live-ins have become a child-care choice for many middle-class parents.

Despite the benefits of having someone available at a moment’s notice for child-care, a live-in isn’t for everyone, said Felix.

“If a family enjoys private time at night and doesn’t feel comfortable having someone in the house after hours, a live-in may not be a good idea,” she said.

Porrazzo agreed: “On the positive side, a nanny is always there, which gives parents a lot of flexibility. On the negative side, a nanny is always there, and some families need more privacy than others.”

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Families who find that a live-in is for them face the challenge of building and fostering a relationship with their children’s caretaker.

“While having a live-in nanny has its benefits, it is much more emotional work than dropping your kids off at day-care,” said Felix. “You need to nurture the relationship and make sure the nanny is happy. Her attitude, whether positive or negative, will affect your kids.”

Felix said that many parents get so involved with their lives they forget to stay tuned with the live-in.

“So many nannies complain to me that the parents don’t communicate with them,” said Felix. “As a result, they have no idea what they should be doing and feel taken for granted.”

To keep the lines of communication open, Felix suggests that parents sit down with their live-ins at the end of each week and discuss what has occurred and address any problems.

In her book, Porrazzo includes communication tools such as a live-in’s reporting log for daily positive and negative events.

Fostering a good relationship between live-ins and parents also requires mutual respect, which includes giving the live-in authority and backup when necessary.

Paying a decent wage is also important.

“It’s sad to say, but many people are willing to pay more for their cars than a nanny who cares for and nurtures their most precious asset,” said Porrazzo, who noted that some families pay live-ins as little as $75 a week.

Live-ins should earn $175 to $375 a week, said Felix, depending on their experience, the number of children involved and any additional work to be done.

By law, domestic employers are required to pay Social Security taxes for live-ins who are paid $100 or more per week. Live-ins are to withhold their portion of Social Security tax from their paychecks. In addition, employers are required to pay federal unemployment insurance. Live-ins should be able to show documentation that they are legally able to work in the United States, and employers must fill out an I-9 form, which states that the employee showed them the necessary paperwork. Failure to fill this out could result in fines. Fines for hiring undocumented workers range from $250 to $10,000.

Suzanne also agreed that respect is important for a good relationship: “Your nanny should be your right hand. If she forgets to do something, it’s not a good idea to get down on her, because that creates uneasy feelings. Simply repeat your request. And when she does something without being asked, take notice and thank her.”

Families differ in how much togetherness they have with their live-ins.

“While some families sit down together every night for dinner at 6 with their nannies, other families don’t have a set dinner schedule and some nannies prefer to go out with friends,” said Felix. “It doesn’t really matter what they do, as long as everyone is comfortable and happy.”

Jan, 44, hired a live-in five years ago after her second child was born. Since then she’s had a good experience with three different live-ins. Her current live-in and the woman’s 9-year-old son have been with Jan for two years.

“We’re like one big family,” said Jan, who lives in Irvine and works in the mental health field. “My father also lives with us, and my nanny and her son call him ‘Grandpa.’ The nanny and I wash and fold each other’s clothing, depending on who has time. We both also cook. She can have holidays off on her own or spend them with us--she’s paid either way.”

Jan, who is single and asked that her last name not be used, takes her live-in’s son on outings with her children. When her live-in had a hysterectomy a few months ago, Jan helped nurse her back to health.

“My nanny will notice if I’m sad and ask me what’s wrong, and I can also tell when she’s upset. We really connect emotionally,” she said.

Despite the emotional commitment live-in relationships demand, Jan said she has received twice as much as she’s given.

“All of the nannies have had really big, giving hearts,” she said. “They have been very grateful for whatever I’ve done for them. My present nanny even gave me a surprise baby shower when I had my third child.”

* For information on “The Nanny Kit” ($10), which contains information such as how to locate and check out a nanny and build a relationship after hiring, or for a subscription to the Southern California Nanny News ($12 for 12 monthly issues), write P.O. Box 663, Lake Forest, CA 92630, or call (714) 859-9134.

* Call the California Trust Line Registry at (800) 822-8490 to have a background check done on a potential live-in. This service will check several California state agencies for negative information on the individual. The fee is $85.